This just in from the Dept. of the Horrible — the Highlands Middle School Show Choir Orlando Trip of 1995 (HMSSCOT1995) is now living and breathing fresh new viruses onto the Internet. And not even the impressive part of the trip (when we festered in the Days Inn swimming pool for three straight hours and did not die), but rather the one song and dance number for which they let Kara and me take over the front row. WHY would you allow me to be in the front row of ANYTHING? I can’t remember if we bullied the director into that or she just felt sorry for us always being stuck in the back.

Gross.

Watch my new shiz, and if you’re out of your mind and really into American Idol, you should go ahead and watch the entire EW.com Idolatry series. It takes less than six hours and Michael Slezak is a total fox!

‘DWTS Talk’ — Season 6 Awards!
Field-testing the Wii Fit
‘Idolatry’ — Final 3 recap
‘Idolatry’ — David vs. David

Thanks, sis! Meg and Dee went to Art Chicago last week and sent me some digital missives of the complex carbohydrates they thought would really REACH me.

“Heyyyy! Welcome to DR!”

Ugh. I miss Steak ‘n’ Shake.

Life’s eternal questions, embodied just as they should be in Wonka-bar form.

Here’s a still life featuring butter (a.k.a. my life).

These cupcakes actually do look dangerous. Did the icing factory run out of color OR WHAT?

Says Meg: “yes - those balloons are attached to that girls hair… hehe”

Dee Barrett, who was consulted for permission to post these photos merely as a courtesy (because I was going to post them anyway), gave the OK:

NO PROBLEMS HERE.

And in the spirit of indulgence….indulge me and watch these!

May 2, 2008 — ‘DWTS Talk’: Bye bye, Shannequin
May 5, 2008 — ‘Survivor Talk’ cameo! I’m a medic. Of course.

But boy oh boy can I talk or what? So OMG PLEASE CONTINUE TO WATCH THESE EW.COM VIDEOS. Lots of new ones are up on the most self-centered web page ever — DWTS Talk, Idolatry, and me interviewing cubicle stud Maksim Chmerkovskiy again. He keeps it real, unlike Snuffy.

But…Friend of DR Ben LaBolt has me beat because Katie Couric interviewed HIM. (at 03:25) [CBS.com]

The Chmerkovisionary awards my horrible freestyle rap about sequins and fringe A PERFECT 10. Of course he does!

[DWTS Talk, week 3]

Not an Onion headline today, but should be.
[‘DWTS Talk’ on EW.com]

Above, Dancing With the Stars badass Maksim Chmerkovskiy is informing me that my cubicle is a mess. His fingers are so lightning-fast that they’re blurry. YES.

Video 1: Why he’s not doing season 6
Video 2: Maks’ favorite season 5 dances with Mel B
Video 3: Why women have no chance of winning DWTS

I’ll be doing a weekly video (woefully sans Maksim) about Dancing With the Stars, on EW.com. Just me running my mouth. It’ll be a disaster! In other words, totally watch it! But Maksim will be back every so often.

As you can see by both of our expressions, the award is worth: nothing!

EW video: Memorable moments from Dancing With the Stars, season 5

He needs to get a lot more excited about that 10.

This is by far the coolest thing I’ve done at work — interview Olympic gold medalist and Dancing With the Stars champion Apolo Anton Ohno about (among other things) why he could win American Idol, a Disneyland ride called “The Life Partner,” and how puberty is such a bitch.

Since many cannot seem to handle Quicktime (get a Mac already) on EW.com, I put them on YouTube: Part 1 and Part 2

Another week, another complete mindf—. I’m sure no one who reads this blog watches this show, but I write about it for work, so go ahead and humor me a moment because this week, the backgrounds were unusually top-notch… which on this show translates to “more incredibly bad than usual.” Check it:

I really appreciated this one. Billy Ray Cyrus’ inflated noggin got to bobble alongside three beautiful, seafoam, tiered, lit candlesticks. He is the picture of fake serenity. I want to step right into the placidi-scape behind him and hang out there for a few minutes to calm down and maybe eat a Frango… before I creep up behind him, re-enter reality with the torches, and ever so delicately light his hair on fire.

Karina Smirnoff is in some sort of holding cell, which is both a metaphor for her life and conveniently splashed with neon hues reminiscent of the Saved by the Bell opening titles. Ah, the glory days of Mario Lopez. Which should never enter the public realm as a viable sentence. TOO LATE.

More candles for Joey Fatone. I believe they want us to think he is gay, which they should because at least then I’d find him 3% endearing compared to his current score of 0.

Kym Johnson: rapping at us from the future while wearing a jacket from the present made to look like it’s from the past. I’m hearing a horrible rendition of “Light Years” in my head, which does make sense as Kym is Australian. GET OFF OF KYLIE MINOGUE’S SPACESHIP.

There is also the slight chance Kym was doing her interview from the United terminal at Chicago’s O’Hare airport.

Bo-ring. But it’s Maks, and he’s wearing a sweater that is somehow simultaneously earth-toned and Easter Bunny-esque. I see no problem here. It should be noted that I am intentionally ignoring the atrocious bauble in his left ear. That is my prerogative.

For the record, Maks has also never seen a problem when it comes to himself. Please click here.

Oh, cute, Laila Ali did the interview from her grandma’s house.

Dare I say she looks a tiny bit cooler doing the interview from my eerie-ass apartment?

Oh, cute, Ian Ziering did his interview from Laila Ali’s grandma’s house.

Is that piano real? I know the dance studio is. And the dance studio is reflected in the piano. But the flowers just would not be there under any circumstances. Whose job was it to set that up? You’re fired.

Wait, did Ian maybe give Cheryl those for her birthday? Don’t care to check.

Julianne only gets two. It was not her birthday.

FAKE.

Don’t stay tuned!

Check out my “10 Reasons I’m a ‘Dancing’ Fool” gallery on EW.com today. It’s pretty shameless. Especially the last entry (pictured), in which my 10th and final reason-for-being = Edyta’s insistence on legwarmers.

Get ready for an entire season of my trademark Dancing With the Stars bullshit, everyone! (ABC, tonight at 8/7c)