This just in from the Dept. of the Horrible — the Highlands Middle School Show Choir Orlando Trip of 1995 (HMSSCOT1995) is now living and breathing fresh new viruses onto the Internet. And not even the impressive part of the trip (when we festered in the Days Inn swimming pool for three straight hours and did not die), but rather the one song and dance number for which they let Kara and me take over the front row. WHY would you allow me to be in the front row of ANYTHING? I can’t remember if we bullied the director into that or she just felt sorry for us always being stuck in the back.

Gross.

Watch my new shiz, and if you’re out of your mind and really into American Idol, you should go ahead and watch the entire EW.com Idolatry series. It takes less than six hours and Michael Slezak is a total fox!

‘DWTS Talk’ — Season 6 Awards!
Field-testing the Wii Fit
‘Idolatry’ — Final 3 recap
‘Idolatry’ — David vs. David

Thanks, sis! Meg and Dee went to Art Chicago last week and sent me some digital missives of the complex carbohydrates they thought would really REACH me.

“Heyyyy! Welcome to DR!”

Ugh. I miss Steak ‘n’ Shake.

Life’s eternal questions, embodied just as they should be in Wonka-bar form.

Here’s a still life featuring butter (a.k.a. my life).

These cupcakes actually do look dangerous. Did the icing factory run out of color OR WHAT?

Says Meg: “yes - those balloons are attached to that girls hair… hehe”

Dee Barrett, who was consulted for permission to post these photos merely as a courtesy (because I was going to post them anyway), gave the OK:

NO PROBLEMS HERE.

And in the spirit of indulgence….indulge me and watch these!

May 2, 2008 — ‘DWTS Talk’: Bye bye, Shannequin
May 5, 2008 — ‘Survivor Talk’ cameo! I’m a medic. Of course.

But boy oh boy can I talk or what? So OMG PLEASE CONTINUE TO WATCH THESE EW.COM VIDEOS. Lots of new ones are up on the most self-centered web page ever — DWTS Talk, Idolatry, and me interviewing cubicle stud Maksim Chmerkovskiy again. He keeps it real, unlike Snuffy.

But…Friend of DR Ben LaBolt has me beat because Katie Couric interviewed HIM. (at 03:25) [CBS.com]

The Chmerkovisionary awards my horrible freestyle rap about sequins and fringe A PERFECT 10. Of course he does!

[DWTS Talk, week 3]

And now for a rare glimpse at what I do all day at the office… EW.com’s ‘America’s Next Top Doll’ video series. WHO! Will be eliminated tonight?

Not an Onion headline today, but should be.
[‘DWTS Talk’ on EW.com]

Above, Dancing With the Stars badass Maksim Chmerkovskiy is informing me that my cubicle is a mess. His fingers are so lightning-fast that they’re blurry. YES.

Video 1: Why he’s not doing season 6
Video 2: Maks’ favorite season 5 dances with Mel B
Video 3: Why women have no chance of winning DWTS

I’ll be doing a weekly video (woefully sans Maksim) about Dancing With the Stars, on EW.com. Just me running my mouth. It’ll be a disaster! In other words, totally watch it! But Maksim will be back every so often.

Bangs on film! DIGITAL film. Here we go.

Idolatry on EW.com, part 1.

Part 2, featuring a “100% Pure Love” breakdown 

Two of the new American Gladiators, Crush and Wolf, dropped by my ever-festive cubicle to share powerful secrets of gladiating with me and Slezak. Here’s Part 1 of what’s sure to be a truly enlightening series. My fave part is when I blurt out “Gassy!” Awkward…

Update: Here’s Part 2. We talk “style,” and Wolf compliments the tropical fish spandex leggings from the ’80s (Dee Barrett Original Flavored) that I am obviously wearing in these videos.

Michael Slezak (google alert!) is not havin’ it with my awesome pants in this frame.

Okay, here’s the best one, Part 3. Ridiculous challenges include catching candy in our moths, fielding a publicist’s phone call, and flying paper airplanes.

Oh, and I totally have a crush on Crush.

Check out these “sizzling” behind-the-scenes videos of Conan O’Brien’s EW cover shoot.

Part 1: Conan’s Strike Tips
Part 2: Conan vs. Chimp
Part 3: Conan’s beard is so hot right now

I went to interview Conan O’Brien (and a chimp) two weeks ago on the set of his Entertainment Weekly photo shoot. It took place at what he called a “seedy warehouse” but was in reality a studio in Chelsea. I played with a chimp named Louie, watched Conan “show me fierce” (rest assured he is still in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Model), and interviewed him — mostly about his gorgeous strike facial hair. It was by far the most awesome thing I’ve done for work… no, actually, in general. It’s all downhill from here, Purple Shirt!

The chimp, honestly, I could give or take. I was astonished to see myself kiss the chimp on the mouth (ewwwww.com) in Part 2 because I don’t remember doing that. I must have blacked out due to my irrational fear of animals.

Bearded wonder Conan O’Brien, though, I absolutely loved. He was so friendly, laid-back, and just effortlessly funny the whole time. I didn’t even want to talk during the interview because I knew everything he said would be funny and was afraid of cutting him off.

Before the cameras rolled he was jokingly complaining that his parents consider his brother the successful one because his brother’s a lawyer, while Conan just has this joke job in “entertainment.” I was like “Yeah, look at what you do…despicable.”

Conan O’Brien! I’m sitting next to him! What the hay-ul?

I love this: Recently, people have found this website by googling “Liz Lemon Half Eaten Lunch.” Why wouldn’t they do that? This framed photograph hanging in Tina Fey’s office on 30 Rock is one of my favorite things about the show, which means it’s a very big deal. The giant eating utensils on a different (or maybe the same) wall are also awesome. So was this episode.

Anyway, I’m making it easier: You can buy Liz Lemon’s amazing office portrait featuring fried chicken, fries haphazardly glazed with ketchup, and some unidentified yellow sauce (yum) for the meager price of $600. It’s part of EW’s holiday gift guide for TV addicts, found here. Happy shopping — you have about an hour and a half left!

(Is everyone enjoying my horrible Photoshopping effort involving a yellow-to-red gradient intended to subliminally signify shitty fast food?)

The guy with his arm on fire is my lifelong neighbor and new hero, Sean Gallagher! Apparently he was plucked from an audition line for some other job, by a Taco Bell rep who admired his significant ‘fro. Who wouldn’t?

I have to pause and just take it in. Sean is in a TACO BELL COMMERCIAL.

Remember last week when I was thrilled as all hell that the media covered my friend Ben’s walk-thru at McDonald’s? Well, I love Taco Bell even more than McDonald’s. I know, it’s crazy. This is an amazing day for me. My circle of aquaintances is a blooming cornucopia of professional-ish associations with fast food!

Speaking of which, I love how it says “Professional. Do not attempt,” as if Sean belongs to the pyromanics’ union and truly knows his way around fire.

As you can see by both of our expressions, the award is worth: nothing!

EW video: Memorable moments from Dancing With the Stars, season 5

This is love: Rickie Vasquez BUSTING A MOVE at the World Happiness Dance!

Take 5: Memorable My So-Called Life scenes, set to memorable music

Who else had the Enigma CD with “Return to Innocence” on it circa 1994? God I was so cool.

Even though me updating my blog does NOT seem familiar at this point…

I got around to watching Sunday’s Family Guy and realized with glee that Peter and the boys’ Quahog Men’s Club was a clear homage to the clubhouse in The Berenstain Bears’ No Girls Allowed. At one point Peter even said “No girls allowed.” Get it?

Yay!

My favorite BB book, though, is obvs The Berenstain Bears and Too Much Junk Food. I loved how the candy they ate had no labels and came in clear plastic cases, like drugs. And would you look at the height Brother Bear is getting on his candy pour? Totally impressive. The supermarket scene (not pictured, though I would really like to do a page-by-page commentary on this book so I should find a copy) is also killer. Did you guys know I love edible crap?

Usually PP annoys the crap out of me, but Weeds is being quite funny about theirs. They’re all super-blatant and conducive to the principle theme of the show. This week, Kevin Nealon as Doug slurped down sodas from Arby’s and perennial DR fave California Pizza Kitchen, and the entire Agrestic City Council chowed on Panda Express. More on Panda Express later.

Nancy’s “I can’t believe we’re about to eat Baskin Robbins!” gush fest was the most photo-worthy. Fine, to be honest, I took pics of all four logos but this was the only one that came out non-slanted and colorful. My aptitude for taking photos of my TV decreases drastically after 2 a.m. (and 2 Tylenol PM! Haha!)

Right.

This new show called “Take 5″ debuted today on EW.com! Watch for the banana-flavored Reese’s and latent reference to Dee Barrett. Who am I kidding?

I’m “entertaining” people this weekend — I gotta go make a 72-hour playlist. Why wouldn’t I do that?

Do I always look this disgusted? Naturally? What a gift!

These studs are the cast of Vh1’s Mission: Man Band, which premiered last night. They (Bryan Abrams from Color Me Badd, Jeff Timmons from 98 Degrees, Rich Cronin from LFO, and Chris Kirkpatrick from ‘N Sync) stopped by EW.com to get an exclusive tutorial on what it’s like to work in a cubicle. The answer: YouTube-centric, peanut butter-banana-y, and — see above — often filled with dread.

I know we make fun of turtlenecks in the video but I could use one right now. This heat blows. Please let it be January so I can wear the same stretched-out huggable wooly black one with the hole in the left armpit every day. I miss sending people the message with my eyes that there is a totally different shirt underneath the turtleneck than the one I wore the previous day. Of course there is. I didn’t just pull on the same 1-2 shirt combo straight out of the shower. That would be gross. Also, really cozy.

**UPDATE 7/29 This show’s been super dumb lately.**

Some people (like Blythe) were already raving about HBO’s Flight of the Conchords weeks ago. She really liked the first episode and I was like yeah, it’s okay, but I get the feeling I’d find these guys really annoying if not for the New Zealand accents. While that may still be true, this parody of the Pet Shop Boys’ “West End Girls” totally won me over:
(They actually had me at “I was gonna spit it out but I think I’ll just eat it” — the music video was just a bonus.)

The overpass they stand/sing on reminds me of the one right near where the Chesh and I used to live, in Brooklyn. We took some adventures there but then stopped doing that, suspecting we might get killed.

That was someone’s abandoned, broken umbrella that we decided must be used as a prop. Possibly the oddest photo I’ve ever taken.

Yeah right!

Bret and Jemaine could also never afford an apartment in their neighborhood. But this doesn’t make me hate them as much as it usually makes me hate characters. Again: chiefly due to the accent. Way to be from a different country, guys!

*They say it more like “syntha-sizahs,” which I find insanely attractive. But that could just be the word, and the general concept. I love synthesizers.

In “honor” of Father’s Day, EW.com did a gallery of the worst dads on TV.
Mine was Gob Bluth from Arrested Development, obvs.

That’s all I got.

“Annie Barrett!”