Internet, I’m back into Ice Breakers chewing gum!

Have these been around this whole time? I stopped noticing them years ago; maybe I didn’t want to be the one child left behind during the formidable flat-pack gum movement. Who cares? My mouth is really fresh right now. It has been at LEAST three minutes. Two more before the “ice” “liquidates” into a puddle I won’t notice until the next commercial break.

Whoa. Maybe everything I want has been right on the candy rack this whole time.

Ha! Not even. Brachs Villa Cherries were discontinued in 2003. Take that, breakthrough.

Of course, the morning after I cleaned my desk at work, my Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup bowl turned up broken. It fell from its usual perch on top of the cube divider all the time, but usually onto the carpeted floor or the typical mountain of crap (featuring fabric) on the desk itself. This time it must have just hit the deck with no cushion. To sum up, this accident was 2,000,000 times less shocking than the fact that I cleaned.

I did appreciate how whoever broke it made sure to scoop the Swedish Fish the bowl had contained into two neat piles. Doesn’t this display just scream “Sorry!”

Or “Sorry, crazy bitch who had it coming!”?

Here was the RB in its former glory, taking a breather in between candy refills on my desk. My boyfriend the animatronic Elvis and I had a huge fight that day. He couldn’t even look me in the eyes. Not that I, wearing shades at work, made it very easy to do so.

I took this pic in February but it still applies.

Am I the only person who finds Altoid mints disgusting? Like, chew a piece of gum. Eat a Tic-Tac. Drink coffee, even. Just get those things away from me because if you happen to lift the top of that totally pretentious tin, I might accidentally take a whiff and die. Altoids are universally rank. Also, jank.

So there’s clearly no way I’m interested in seeing/tasting Altoids’ “chocolate balls,” which is a shame, because I am obsessed with chocolate balls of the non-Altoid variety. The concept of the CB is beautiful to me. It’s the perfect example of an essential household item. Of course the specimen should consist of chocolate, and of course it should form a sphere. I really don’t see what other type of household item you would want.

I grew up subsisting 30% on Fannie May chocolate balls that Dee left in little crystal dishes around the house. The CBs were individually wrapped in bright-colored foil that made an awesome sound when I crinkled it right next to my ear verrrry slowwwwwwly, because even when wee, I was completely insane. (I still do the ear-crinkle today, and even ask other people for their discarded foil wrapping… as if they had any use for it whatsoever. Sick!) Dee’s fancy dishes were a nice touch; who wants to pluck a CB from a plastic bowl? Pass!

(Who would store her CBs loosely on her crumb-y coffee table, like wayward marbles, if she had them in her own apartment? Me, but I believe we were scrutinizing Dee’s household, not mine.)

I don’t even know what the point of this was; I’m just trying to get rid of all my “drafts”. You lose, no refunds, refer to title of website, etc.

It’s not that I don’t like you if you like Altoids. I just don’t like Altoids. Swim around in that puzzle at your own risk. WARNING: No lifeguard on duty!!!

This post is totally gonna get hits from people looking for porn. Also, because I just said “porn.”

My mom, Dee, and I got this cookie last week at the Jersey Sub Shop, which is obviously located in Michigan.

The JSS is amazing on all levels including “has giant Shrek outside for no reason” (see much less ambitious post, below). But come on. WHAT is this design?

We didn’t quite grasp the extent of its mind-numbing quandary when we first ordered it. At point of sale, it was basically like “We need to get a big-ass cookie, end of story.” Then we got home and, post-subs, just kept staring at the cookie for entire minutes. We checked out different angles, adjusted the lighting… at one point I deliberately walked off in a huff, like “I’ve HAD it with that cookie” and then of course walked right back to see if a whiplashed, fake-first impression would do the trick. It totally did not.

We flat-out refused to eat the cookie until we figured out what was supposed to be on top of it, then gave up and ate it anyway. Among our guesses: Snowflake (all me), [confused look] (Dee), simulation of Spirograph (all me), [exasperated look] (Dee), variation on the Burger King crown featuring squiggly lines representative of what happens inside after you eat Burger King (all me). I thought snowflake was pretty spot-on, but Dee gave a final [ENRAGED LOOK] that ran a close second.

You will note that this cookie is roughly four times the circumference of a modestly sized glass of Diet Dr. Pepper. I’m all about the SCALE these days.

I had one more guess and basically nothing to do for the rest of the day, so I drove back to the JSS to confront the guy at the counter head-on about the puzzling design. It was weird.

ANNIE: Hi.

DECORATOR: Oh, hello!

ANNIE: (awkwardly, unnecessarily) I’m back!

DECORATOR: [blank stare]

ANNIE: Did you, like, decorate those cookies? [points at others]

DECORATOR: Yeah! I decided to give it a shot today.

ANNIE: Was the usual decorator not around?

DECORATOR: Right.

ANNIE: Oh, that’s really cool of you. [?!] I have to ask. What exactly were you going for, here? My mom and I have been debating it for half an hour. We’re so confused. I mean, I’m all about artistic expression and doing your own thing [?!], and since this is clearly “your own thing,” [air quotes] I love it just for being itself and… existing. But… what did you have in mind when you set out to do these? TELL ME YOUR FUCKING VISION, MAN.

DECORATOR: [thinks for a long time]

ANNIE: [thinks about leaving because this is SO AWFUL]

DECORATOR: You know what? I have no idea.

ANNIE: I think I know what it was. [gingerly extends a printout of the following image]

ANNIE: It was Queen Frostine’s wand from Candy Land. It’s been on your mind for decades and you’re just now coming to terms with it.

DECORATOR: Holy shit.

ANNIE: [smirks]

DECORATOR: I think you’re RIGHT!

ANNIE: You… like… Candy Land?

STEVE HOLT: No. … I LOVE it!

—

True or false: The above did not actually happen, because I’m way too lazy to re-leave the house.

Dee bought these awesome Cadbury Buttons while we were on vacation at Christmas. Everybody loves buttons, and I am always quick to go with the crowd, so I knew these would be a hit with me. Just look at this kickass wrapper with an enormous cartoon button on it. Gaze adoringly at the bubble-like notches. Awwww!

But look:

NO NOTCHES.

These are not buttons! These are coins. But since they’re not worth anything, they’re actually most like the small, silver, coin-like discs of the same size that my sister and I used to “collect” while roaming around our dad’s unfinished construction projects. I don’t know what these things were or what they fell out of, but every time we went with Bill to “check the jobs,” there would be a fresh smattering of worthless silver coins in every room. Maybe the workers left them there to toy with us. I believe Meg and I would compete to see who could find more “money,” until we got sick of it and started tearing up large swatches of cotton candy-like pink insulation instead. Yes, the chemically poisonous kind. Ah, childhood.

Back to candy. Once you wipe the tears away from the false-advertising setup, the Cadbury Buttons are seriously amazing. The slight curvature on the top lends to some terrific mouth-melting, and January 23rd is by no means too soon to begin raving about the distinct chocolatey/oddly fruity (at the end) taste only America’s favorite vaguely British Eastertime import can provide.

But still. I call bullshit!

These “Mega” M&Ms, artfully photographed in New Buffalo, Michigan, remind me of Crayola’s “Bolder” markers. Remember? There were the plain Bolds, which I adored (especially jungle green), and then all of a sudden you couldn’t buy Bold anymore and instead had to choose between either Classic or Bolder. Bolder sucked! They were all so… extreme. That’s how I feel about these candy colors. All the colors except the light blue are a tad too bold for their own good, especially that nasty maroon. What was wrong with just being bold? Why must we overdo it?

P.S. Mega? Give me a break. I’d rather buy a bigger sack of regular-size M&Ms, one I’d have to swing around behind my shoulder because it was that cumbersome, than a normal-size bag of these new overgrown, mutant M&M’s spawn. Eating these jumbo ones makes me feel like a hoss because I’m so used to the noncommittal nature of eating regular M&Ms. Those are so tiny and harmless. It’s like eating air!

The candy itself should not make one feel fat. Waking up the morning after eating a sack of candy should make one feel fat. Aftermath is a bitch, but at least you got to enjoy the intake worry-free.

Happy 7-11. Get a Slurpee. They’re good for you.

Kate forwarded this to me around Easter… I just remembered it becuase I’m still working on a Fannie May Solid Milk Chocolate Rabbit from a few weeks ago. (Ew!) It’s all part of the Great Apartment Eat-Out, my self-imposed plan to eat only the food in my studio before moving to the Slope in two weeks. I was going to document The Eat-Out daily on DR, before I realized it was really boring and trivial “in the scheme of things” — like everything else I seem to care about only worse!.

The word “Solid” on the box is so key. Dee only sends solid chocolate animals, as we share a deep-rooted resentment for hollow ones like those pictured. Who do they think they’re kidding? Nearly everyone! What a buzzkill.

We will not stand for this. It’s solid or bust! Dee enjoys the bonus chocolate. I like the “ski slope” skid marks I get to leave on the rolling plains of solidity with my teeth. Also: the bonus chocolate.

Those “crumbs” in the graphic look suggestive of feces. I’d still eat ‘em.

Yes! Dee just sent a box containing three Reese’s Eggs. (I don’t see what would have been wrong with four.)

I’ve been meaning to do a thorough comparison of all of the Reese’s holiday variations on the traditional Cup. I now have an Egg, a Heart, and a Tree (I think the tree is from 2004, ew), so I just need to wait until this October so I can pick up the Pumpkin. There’ll be a photo shoot and everything. (Tyra Banks voiceover: “Come on, Tree, I wanna see fierce! Show me your wild side. Show me who Tree really is.”)

Right now, the Egg is my favorite. I suppose the Egg is my favorite right now because it’s what I’m eating… right now. That has to be a conflict of interest. A huge chunk of it is literally melting on my tonuge. My lazy teeth have sort of sunk into the top of it, but I’m just going to go with it. It’s heavenly.

Here’s photographic evidence of how heavenly I think the Egg is. Before eating, I placed it right at the most important area of my apartment (the trackpad), and the flash has produced an eerie, almost outer-space effect. The Egg is like that wondrous black monolith in the move 2001: A Space Odyssey. (Roll over the pic for a visual.)

But I think I’ve always actually favored the Egg. It’s the closest in shape to the original Cup, and yet due to its impressive surface area, you feel like you’re getting a ton more out of it than you do during a usual Cup experience. So size alone matters, and then there’s also the element of shape/contour. This may sound blasphemous to Reese’s purists, but I actually prefer the holiday Reese’s over the Reese’s Cups* because I’m not totally wowed by the crinkled edges on the Cups. If anything, I find them slightly burdensome. All those sharp angles make for a somewhat jarring job for the teeth and tongue. The pointy sections don’t melt on their own very quickly, like the peanut buttery part does. You have to break all those ridges up with your teeth. It’s not like I don’t have the time for it (this post serves as evidence to the contrary) but why should I have to go through the routine if there’s a specialty Shape around? The Shapes, on the other hand, have smooth and softer edges. Bites of Shapes are already at a near-perfect consistency right when they enter the endless black hole that is Annie Barrett’s human mouth. The procedure ends up being so seamless. Sometimes I finish an Egg and think, “That was nothing. I think I’ll have another. If only Dee had sent four.” Then I cry.

This is why there need to be more occasions throughout the year to which the Reese’s corporation responds by manufacturing seasonal shapes. That way, we’ll always have the option of Cup vs. Shape. Fans of either genre will be constantly happy!

Timely example: I’m not one of those people who get obsessed with St. Patrick’s Day, but I certainly wouldn’t kick a Reese’s Four Leaf Clover to the curb right now if one knocked on my door. I could definitely have more fun with one of those than I could with a beer.

They could also have a default Reese’s per month, just in case there’s no major holiday in sight. Here are some ideas:

January: Snowman

February: Snowwoman (extra hair = extra Reese’s)

November: Turkey OR Indian Feather (Is that racist? Go with it. Or add Pilgrim Belt Buckle to even it out.)

December: Me (it’s my birthday, plus I harbor a secret fantasy about being sculpted into a Reese’s) Fine, or a Dreidel.

Despite my obsession with the Shapes, I’ll still be forever impressed by the Cup. If not for the Cup, the Egg would never be. And there you have your answer to the rhetorical quandary posited in this (possibly regrettable) post’s title.

What’s your dream Reese’s shape?!

*I wanted to put that declaration in bold orange with an asterisk because I feel so strongly about this. It is one of my strongest opinions about anything.

Update on how my “Lose Weight” plan is coming along: Tonight I ate a Mexican pizza and two taco supremes and Did a large Dew from Taco Bell. Then I came home and ate a grilled cheese and bacon sandwich on challah bread, dipped in ketchup and when the ketchup ran out, Ortega Taco Sauce that has possibly been in my fridge since I moved in (July 2004). Now I’m continuing to make a solid dent in this:

I actually bought this back in March, after reading from Venice that the dude who subbed in to write the O.C. column while I was out of town hoped Annie Barrett would be “picking [him] up a giant tube of Toblerone from duty free. Man, are those tasty.” Being a loser, I duty-fully did just that.

Except… I ended up never setting foot in the office again. I kept thinking I might, so I saved the chocolate. But during a recent two-person TV/music/”deep thinking” powwow in my apartment, it just didn’t make sense anymore for that huge bar of gold to keep collecting dust amongst my extensive collection of Moody Blues LPs. Sorry, EW dude. I sort of tried.

No, really, though — I think the Plan’s going great.

These “orange slices” were part of my massive sugar spread during Kandy for Kerry on Halloween.

Look! They were categorized as “produce” by Gristedes. This was one of the year’s Top Halloween Moments. Other THMs included seeing a couple dressed as iPods at the parade, convincing myself that an extra-large Jello Shot Surprise constituted solid food, and the subsequent extra-large pizza enjoyed at 3 a.m… way, way too late.

Yes, I do have more pics of Halloween but I’m waiting for other people’s shots (ahem! J&N) before I post mine. Sorry. If anyone cares, I was Tangled Up In Blue. It was easy, and actually I too look easy in that photo. Gross. But my costume was nowhere near as easy as How Could You Even Ask That? - James’ sudden brainchild upon realizing he would sweat to death in his Hulk suit. (It’s what he would say if you asked him what he was. Genius.)

More on that later. It’s 5. I feel like I’m 5, rebelling against Dee and Bill and staying up as late as I can. 18 years later, I’m still really good at it! I rule!