Internet, I’m back into Ice Breakers chewing gum!

Have these been around this whole time? I stopped noticing them years ago; maybe I didn’t want to be the one child left behind during the formidable flat-pack gum movement. Who cares? My mouth is really fresh right now. It has been at LEAST three minutes. Two more before the “ice” “liquidates” into a puddle I won’t notice until the next commercial break.

Whoa. Maybe everything I want has been right on the candy rack this whole time.

Ha! Not even. Brachs Villa Cherries were discontinued in 2003. Take that, breakthrough.

Mark-Paul Gosselaar just fed me a giant cupcake. It’s all been leading up to this.

Happy retirement to me!

I wish PEOPLE could choose the people dogs love to eat. I would totally chair that committee.

Because — rhetorical self-absorption alert — the little athlete looks like me (swim-cap-as-bangs phenomenon)! I often shape-shift into a long, sinewy rope of blue frosting. Prove that I don’t!

Devastating.

WARNING: If you look directly at the (inexplicably grecian) urn containing the ashes of Bennigan’s, the faint, desperate wails of Fleetwood Mac will flood into your ether like bong smoke. But instead of straight-up 1977 Stevie Nicks, it’ll sound like Stevie Nicks trying not to burp up a Southwest Egg Roll in 2008.

And if
You dont love me now
You will never love me again
I can still hear you saying
You would never break the chain

I guess the next Big Ben Chocolate Caramel Brownie Sundae I have will be at the ULTIMATE FOOD COURT IN HEAVEN!

So You Think You Can Dance recap segment [Good Day NY]

I should really start requiring ice cream wherever I go.

AND A WORTHY VIDEO FOR A CHANGE: Rush’s interview and performance on the Colbert Report – their first TV appearance in 30 years. Hilarious. [Hulu]

“DOUBT IT.”

DJ Chesh beamed the above gem to me from the Jewel supermarket in Rogers Park. I NEED THIS LUNCHBOX. How else do you expect me to carry my food?

–Maybe in your bag that’s emblazoned with cartoon snacks?

Maybe. [‘Ausiello TV’ on EW.com]

New favorite fruit alert: BLACKBERRIES.

Look into it!

Thanks, sis! Meg and Dee went to Art Chicago last week and sent me some digital missives of the complex carbohydrates they thought would really REACH me.

“Heyyyy! Welcome to DR!”

Ugh. I miss Steak ‘n’ Shake.

Life’s eternal questions, embodied just as they should be in Wonka-bar form.

Here’s a still life featuring butter (a.k.a. my life).

These cupcakes actually do look dangerous. Did the icing factory run out of color OR WHAT?

Says Meg: “yes - those balloons are attached to that girls hair… hehe”

Dee Barrett, who was consulted for permission to post these photos merely as a courtesy (because I was going to post them anyway), gave the OK:

NO PROBLEMS HERE.

And in the spirit of indulgence….indulge me and watch these!

May 2, 2008 — ‘DWTS Talk’: Bye bye, Shannequin
May 5, 2008 — ‘Survivor Talk’ cameo! I’m a medic. Of course.

Official DR endorsement! (With his, comes mine.)

I also thought that this new and very much improved campaign poster would look great with DR’s illustrious color scheme. Was I right or was I right? Pound!

Two of the new American Gladiators, Crush and Wolf, dropped by my ever-festive cubicle to share powerful secrets of gladiating with me and Slezak. Here’s Part 1 of what’s sure to be a truly enlightening series. My fave part is when I blurt out “Gassy!” Awkward…

Update: Here’s Part 2. We talk “style,” and Wolf compliments the tropical fish spandex leggings from the ’80s (Dee Barrett Original Flavored) that I am obviously wearing in these videos.

Michael Slezak (google alert!) is not havin’ it with my awesome pants in this frame.

Okay, here’s the best one, Part 3. Ridiculous challenges include catching candy in our moths, fielding a publicist’s phone call, and flying paper airplanes.

Oh, and I totally have a crush on Crush.

If I believed in New Year’s Resolutions, mine would be to somehow look that awesome (see above) all year. That’s a relic from August ‘07. My friends — The Team — and I were in Michigan for New Buffalo’s illustrious Ship ‘n’ Shore Festival (holla!). A somewhat drunken but TOTALLY CHILL dance party to a playlist I’d created called “It Couldn’t Be Lamer: Dance Hits from the Mid-to-Late ’90s” ensued. We’d already eaten our weight in cheeseburgers, but dancing is tough, and being the motherly provider I am, I decided to root around in the laundry room fridge for something — anything — to replenish our calorie count. By some miraculous intervention a.k.a. “Dee Barrett being awesome,” there happened to be a spare cherry pie just sitting in there on a dish towel. Heavens!

Anyway, I could never do it on this blog because my name’s all the F over it and I would never want people to think I’m even slightly self-absorbed (ha!), but I kind of want someone to do a “Looking Great in ‘08″ series. It’d just be a pic of that person every day and then she’d scathingly critique her own appearance because half the time she’d be unshowered in a college hoodie. It’s only January 2nd and therefore still doable. She’d just have to fake a photo and say it happened yesterday. Maybe I should start an anonymous blog and just go for it. Hmm. Look for this anonymous blog around May when PopWatch mysteriously links to it. You think I’m kidding.

I love this: Recently, people have found this website by googling “Liz Lemon Half Eaten Lunch.” Why wouldn’t they do that? This framed photograph hanging in Tina Fey’s office on 30 Rock is one of my favorite things about the show, which means it’s a very big deal. The giant eating utensils on a different (or maybe the same) wall are also awesome. So was this episode.

Anyway, I’m making it easier: You can buy Liz Lemon’s amazing office portrait featuring fried chicken, fries haphazardly glazed with ketchup, and some unidentified yellow sauce (yum) for the meager price of $600. It’s part of EW’s holiday gift guide for TV addicts, found here. Happy shopping — you have about an hour and a half left!

(Is everyone enjoying my horrible Photoshopping effort involving a yellow-to-red gradient intended to subliminally signify shitty fast food?)

My Aunt Elly apparently saves everything, and this Thanksgiving she festively decorated her bathroom wall with this fictional menu I wrote as a child. (Who does that? And who is Golda?) No date on it, but I’m guessing I was around 7? I’m hoping? God, what if I was 17?

Allow me to count down a few highlights — sort of a Take 5 without those annoying audio/visual elements, if you will…

5. Jinjre Ale as a featured “Bevrage” Was this like a ganja-fied version of ginger ale? Sidenote: I’m completely impressed with my affiliation with Pepsi products instead of Coke at such a tender age.

4. Get the full slab! It’s cheaper! I love how it was important enough to me that my fictional customers might want to take advantage of a great deal on BBQ, should one be offered. Six bucks for a full slab, wow. It certainly was the ’80s! And Golda’s Cafe certainly must have been adjacent to a truck stop on a central Indiana highway, even though we lived in Illinois.

3. Pizza Plate (5 squares) Continuing with the low-class theme, it’s clear that I was tailoring this dream menu to be as close to my childlike tastes as possible. The insistence on “squares” suggests that the greatest type of pizza I knew of at the time came frozen and developed into its most gourmet state via a magical microwave. Sadly (although I’m pretty fine with it), these are still my tastes. I’d eat lunch every day at Golda’s Cafe if I could. Is there one in midtown?

2. “Five Hidden Cherries!” OMG so fun!!! But who exactly was doing the hiding? I’m almost certain it would have been me. Or maybe this “Golda,” but something tells me she wouldn’t have had very clean hands. Plus she never wore her hairnet. You just know it.

1. Becks Thanks to Barnacle Bill Barrett, probably the only name-brand beer I knew of besides Heineken. And there’s no way I was spelling that.

The guy with his arm on fire is my lifelong neighbor and new hero, Sean Gallagher! Apparently he was plucked from an audition line for some other job, by a Taco Bell rep who admired his significant ‘fro. Who wouldn’t?

I have to pause and just take it in. Sean is in a TACO BELL COMMERCIAL.

Remember last week when I was thrilled as all hell that the media covered my friend Ben’s walk-thru at McDonald’s? Well, I love Taco Bell even more than McDonald’s. I know, it’s crazy. This is an amazing day for me. My circle of aquaintances is a blooming cornucopia of professional-ish associations with fast food!

Speaking of which, I love how it says “Professional. Do not attempt,” as if Sean belongs to the pyromanics’ union and truly knows his way around fire.

From Time.com’s Swampland blog:

The official reviews had not yet come in when the Barack Obama staffers started celebrating last night. And what better way to celebrate than a walk into the drive thru at McDonald’s? A function of audacity? Hope? Or maybe just change we can believe in.

(Obama spokesman Ben LaBolt, in the act of loving it.)

OH YES HE DIII-IIIIID.

I have never Ben prouder of my good friend and high school prom date (heeeey!), Ben fucking LaBolt. He shows up on the Internet all the time, but I never link to his mentions because frankly, they’re not consistent with my rather narrowly focused authorial agenda. Only after the ‘razzi catch him on a fast food joint WALK-THRU while sporting a shitgrin, cool jeans and coat, and attractive “I live on the bus” facial hair does LaBolt finally show up here. Look at him, hungry for that grease. 50,000 Big Macs could wallop that parking lot in a torrential hailstorm and not only would this guy make it safely onto the bus, he’d already be on his seventh fry.

Ben LaBolt, Diminishing Returns (finally) salutes you. And keep it up… a well-publicized Taco Bell visit will get you your own category.

GO TEAM.

Psych! Nothing could ever ruin guac for me.

Today’s Take 5. Smells like egotism!