Though she and Keepon do kind of look alike.

Still, what a lazy bitch.

–The Internet

It might!

That “omelet” looks like pretend food, like it should be plasticized and play an integral role in an important sculpture or board game. DD obviously can’t make omelets on the spot so those things are pre-mixed, pre-shaped, etc. Ew. I’d eat the yellow stuff if it constituted some form of cake. Even if it looked like that — as long as it tasted like cake I’d be fine. Or even if it tasted like an English muffin with colorful herbs. I just can’t believe that mass is supposed to be eggs.

Whoa… Do I not like eggs? I just ate eggs!

Nice football in the background. Who’s up for some sports!

If you were ever going to indulge me and watch just one EW.com video, watch this one because it’s only a minute long, and I buy a baked good.

Of course, the morning after I cleaned my desk at work, my Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup bowl turned up broken. It fell from its usual perch on top of the cube divider all the time, but usually onto the carpeted floor or the typical mountain of crap (featuring fabric) on the desk itself. This time it must have just hit the deck with no cushion. To sum up, this accident was 2,000,000 times less shocking than the fact that I cleaned.

I did appreciate how whoever broke it made sure to scoop the Swedish Fish the bowl had contained into two neat piles. Doesn’t this display just scream “Sorry!”

Or “Sorry, crazy bitch who had it coming!”?

Here was the RB in its former glory, taking a breather in between candy refills on my desk. My boyfriend the animatronic Elvis and I had a huge fight that day. He couldn’t even look me in the eyes. Not that I, wearing shades at work, made it very easy to do so.

DR readers are perhaps the only Peeps (R) who will truly appreciate the inclusion of my board game “Eat It!” in this weekend’s Take 5.

Really. So many of the photographic documentation of my summer has taken place at the Jersey Sub Shop, which is obviously located in New Buffalo, Michigan. The cookies are decorated by a crackhead, there are random Shreks and cows out front, and worst of all, the sandwiches aren’t even that great. So why is such a large percentage of my digipic options to throw on DR JSS-related? No clue, but I find it hilarious. So here are some more. The JSS is totally my “beat” for the summer. I’m such a journalist.

JERSEY SUB SHOP UPDATES, AUGUST 2007

Once a valiant standing figure, here is where Shrek sits, crumpled up, today.

The cookies have received a major facelift from last month, but still don’t look like anything anyone would ever choose to eat. (They don’t know what they’re missing!)

Contrary to what you’d expect from the lawn outside, the JSS is not actually a dairy. It’s just very supportive of the lactose community. Also, my friend and fellow Show Choir alum Kristers makes her DR debut, in just about the most flattering shot imaginable.

Right.

This new show called “Take 5″ debuted today on EW.com! Watch for the banana-flavored Reese’s and latent reference to Dee Barrett. Who am I kidding?

I’m “entertaining” people this weekend — I gotta go make a 72-hour playlist. Why wouldn’t I do that?

Lately I’ve been “taking care of some paperwork,” i.e. sorting through 100s of generally worthless digital photos I’ve taken in 2007. A lot are from the subway. Most are outdated. But the above ad for Borough of Manhattan Community College (BMCC), which has bugged me for at least six months now, is still up there in many subway cars. So I’d like to point out how COMPLETELY FAKE (I’m pretty sure) it is.

Right? No way were those four peeps in the same original shot. MAYBE two of them knew each other. The rest is total Photoshop, and by the way thanks Photoshop for making me wonder if this particular school regularly rewards its graduates/fake friends by flinging them into a blurrily distorted pit of flames. (I know metaphorically that’s what all colleges do, but this ad is quite a literal interp of “Welcome to the real world, bitches!”) Too literal, I say. Throw a tree in there or something.

The girl on the left’s in an entirely different LAYER. Who the F was she laughing at in her original photograph? That dude got gypped.

Until about 2005 I used to write that word as “jipped.” I like to think it’s because I’m so inherently not racist against gypsies, but really it’s because I just didn’t know any better. I tend to float along in my own realm, pausing only to point out all the pretty head scarves and giant gumdrops in the ether (they’re there!), so I’ve ended up missing the boat on so many words/phrases that people with merely average IQs all know. “Youth in Asia,” anyone? Ugh. It’s not even funny. I should compose an official list.

At least I know Photoshop terms like “layer.”

Do I always look this disgusted? Naturally? What a gift!

These studs are the cast of Vh1’s Mission: Man Band, which premiered last night. They (Bryan Abrams from Color Me Badd, Jeff Timmons from 98 Degrees, Rich Cronin from LFO, and Chris Kirkpatrick from ‘N Sync) stopped by EW.com to get an exclusive tutorial on what it’s like to work in a cubicle. The answer: YouTube-centric, peanut butter-banana-y, and — see above — often filled with dread.

I know we make fun of turtlenecks in the video but I could use one right now. This heat blows. Please let it be January so I can wear the same stretched-out huggable wooly black one with the hole in the left armpit every day. I miss sending people the message with my eyes that there is a totally different shirt underneath the turtleneck than the one I wore the previous day. Of course there is. I didn’t just pull on the same 1-2 shirt combo straight out of the shower. That would be gross. Also, really cozy.

What’s this?

Hmmm.

Maybe it will help to get some “perspective” on the sitch.

Nice.

I was really thrilled that my new carton of Baskin Robbins Chocolate Peanut Butter Ice Cream did this little sampler-scoop-right-in-the-lid trick. The first few bites are conveniently right there for you, in a smaller container so you don’t feel like such a hoss. You can easily ignore the fact that there’s a gaping hole the exact shape of the lid portion in the main cargo space of the carton, because it’s fun to pretend you’re a really light eater if only for seven seconds.

Eating the bonus (except not) lid portion is like asking to try a flavor at the ice cream counter, except there is a larger quantity to taste, AND, either way, you’re not going home with less than a whole carton of ice cream. You already are home and have purchased a carton of ice cream you know you like. It’s so much more fun for everyone involved, which probably amounts to Just You.

P.S. Whenever I ask to sample an ice cream flavor in a store, I already know I like the flavor. I like it THAT MUCH. I’m thrifty and cool.