It can only be Queen Frostine’s wand
July 5th, 2007
My mom, Dee, and I got this cookie last week at the Jersey Sub Shop, which is obviously located in Michigan.
The JSS is amazing on all levels including “has giant Shrek outside for no reason” (see much less ambitious post, below). But come on. WHAT is this design?
We didn’t quite grasp the extent of its mind-numbing quandary when we first ordered it. At point of sale, it was basically like “We need to get a big-ass cookie, end of story.” Then we got home and, post-subs, just kept staring at the cookie for entire minutes. We checked out different angles, adjusted the lighting… at one point I deliberately walked off in a huff, like “I’ve HAD it with that cookie” and then of course walked right back to see if a whiplashed, fake-first impression would do the trick. It totally did not.
We flat-out refused to eat the cookie until we figured out what was supposed to be on top of it, then gave up and ate it anyway. Among our guesses: Snowflake (all me), [confused look] (Dee), simulation of Spirograph (all me), [exasperated look] (Dee), variation on the Burger King crown featuring squiggly lines representative of what happens inside after you eat Burger King (all me). I thought snowflake was pretty spot-on, but Dee gave a final [ENRAGED LOOK] that ran a close second.
You will note that this cookie is roughly four times the circumference of a modestly sized glass of Diet Dr. Pepper. I’m all about the SCALE these days.
I had one more guess and basically nothing to do for the rest of the day, so I drove back to the JSS to confront the guy at the counter head-on about the puzzling design. It was weird.
ANNIE: Hi.
DECORATOR: Oh, hello!
ANNIE: (awkwardly, unnecessarily) I’m back!
DECORATOR: [blank stare]
ANNIE: Did you, like, decorate those cookies? [points at others]
DECORATOR: Yeah! I decided to give it a shot today.
ANNIE: Was the usual decorator not around?
DECORATOR: Right.
ANNIE: Oh, that’s really cool of you. [?!] I have to ask. What exactly were you going for, here? My mom and I have been debating it for half an hour. We’re so confused. I mean, I’m all about artistic expression and doing your own thing [?!], and since this is clearly “your own thing,” [air quotes] I love it just for being itself and… existing. But… what did you have in mind when you set out to do these? TELL ME YOUR FUCKING VISION, MAN.
DECORATOR: [thinks for a long time]
ANNIE: [thinks about leaving because this is SO AWFUL]
DECORATOR: You know what? I have no idea.
ANNIE: I think I know what it was. [gingerly extends a printout of the following image]
ANNIE: It was Queen Frostine’s wand from Candy Land. It’s been on your mind for decades and you’re just now coming to terms with it.
DECORATOR: Holy shit.
ANNIE: [smirks]
DECORATOR: I think you’re RIGHT!
ANNIE: You… like… Candy Land?
STEVE HOLT: No. … I LOVE it!
—
True or false: The above did not actually happen, because I’m way too lazy to re-leave the house.
July 5th, 2007 at 10:52 am
Ah, Candy Land.
Cookies based on childhood board games–not a bad idea. “Chutes and Ladders Chunk”…”Monopoly Mints”…”Sorry! Shortbread”…
Aw, crap. Now I’m hungry and lunch isn’t for 2 hours.
July 5th, 2007 at 11:31 am
TRUE.
this one’s definitely in the running for “best post ever”
July 5th, 2007 at 1:17 pm
uhm, i can’t believe you ordered that cookie in the first place. the subsequent speculation and blogging is a natural result however. i would have also enjoyed a short you-tube clip of you confronting the cookie-froster.
July 5th, 2007 at 5:29 pm
this post is made funnier (which is hard, because this is hi-larious!) because i just finished watching season 3 of AD. nice one.
July 5th, 2007 at 6:08 pm
Heather: I love “Sorry! Shortbread” because that sounds like something I actually used to say to the boring girl scout cookies called “Shortbread” which are now called something else? Maybe? I don’t know. Sorry Shortbread, totally selecting Lemon Patry Cremes instead.
Dave: You’re right. That’s sad.
Shain: I know it looks nasty, but the cookie itself is really good! Video would have been key here.
Blythe: I’m still eating… at Fat Ammy’s
July 5th, 2007 at 8:39 pm
mmm. donuts.
July 6th, 2007 at 8:47 am
According to Wikipedia, there are actually three types of Girl Scout shortbread cookies: Trefoils, All Abouts, and Thanks-a-Lots.
According to that same Wikipedia page (btw, can someone make some sort of Foodpedia where you can just research food?), Lemon Pastry Cremes were DISCONTINUED in 2006 “after Little Brownie Bakers acquired the license for the entire United States, as Little Brownie Bakers lacked the equipment to make the crackers.”
Why would you get the license if you lacked the capacity?! Because this poor planning has derived the world of lemony pastry goodness. Damn you, Little Brownie Bakers.
July 6th, 2007 at 11:45 am
I’m going with TRUE because I’m afraid of what might happen if I don’t.
July 6th, 2007 at 5:01 pm
Heather, that is some of the most thorough research ever to occur on this site. Granted, I got my driver’s license despite lacking the capacity, but I really don’t think these brownie bakers deserved theirs. BUT that’s a better name than Girl Scouts. I would have wanted to join the Little Brownie Bakers and then not participated in any activities except eating. I hated those shortbread things. Each cookie had the vague profile of a Girl Scout but with no discernable facial features. Remember? Totally unsettling/unappetizing.
Good job, [Cherry]. I’m eating cherry pie right now!
July 7th, 2007 at 12:42 am
she’s eating cherry’s pie… hehe
July 8th, 2007 at 12:31 am
Darn! I thought it was true until the True/false question. It made a great post though :) You are sooo funny! That cookie looked inedible. Was it? :)
July 8th, 2007 at 11:43 pm
NO, IT WAS COMPLETELY DELICIOUS!
July 10th, 2007 at 10:40 pm
Oh, yes. It WAS completely delicious!
However, what you did not include on your list of items purchased at the JSS, Annie, was the gigantic chocolate brownie slathered(is “slathered” a word?)with an equally gigantic dollop of chocolate frosting ~ not because we were unsure of the strangely-decorated cookie; we knew its delight ~ but, simply…because.
And, because you never want to be without a baked good.
July 11th, 2007 at 8:08 pm
Oh, Deedle, how it warms my heart to see you here, with your zany ~’s and the repetition of my bad acronyms! I wondered if you’d be angry that I couldn’t remember any of your suggestions for what the cookie was — thus making you sound dimwitted. Everyone: My mom is really smart!
I thought that brownie actually had less chocolate flavor than it promised. It was basically a big glop of chocolate — frosting AND cake were a deep beautiful brown. But it somehow had a vaguely fruit-like aftertaste. That is disgusting.