I totally “did” this Entenmann’s chocolate cake. Looks a lot different now!

I thought the glass of milk visible through the window was “artistic” until I realized the “glass” was a Solo cup, and the “window” a pane of greasy plastic.

It’s weird that I prefer eating these cakes in bite-size horizontal rows, and yet I enjoy attacking another DR fave — corn on the cob — in a vertical-rows, pencil-sharpening-esque method. Seems like it should be the other way around.

Livin’ large!

Good questions, Dee.

1) I guess I don’t HAVE to say “bite me.”

2) Yes! But the Crocs cover toes, so they’re okay. I’m slightly horrified/not so surprised that you’d already thought to yourself that I would like Crocs. …. Hmm. It just occurred to me, because my awesome mind is always hard at work, about how since Crocs have those little holes for toes to “breathe,” they might be even grosser than just a regular sandal. The toes are trapped in there like frogs waiting to be dissected. It’s almost pointless to give them any air at all. They’re FESTERING in there. Help! Crocs are suddenly totally grossing me out!

I took this pic in February but it still applies.

Am I the only person who finds Altoid mints disgusting? Like, chew a piece of gum. Eat a Tic-Tac. Drink coffee, even. Just get those things away from me because if you happen to lift the top of that totally pretentious tin, I might accidentally take a whiff and die. Altoids are universally rank. Also, jank.

So there’s clearly no way I’m interested in seeing/tasting Altoids’ “chocolate balls,” which is a shame, because I am obsessed with chocolate balls of the non-Altoid variety. The concept of the CB is beautiful to me. It’s the perfect example of an essential household item. Of course the specimen should consist of chocolate, and of course it should form a sphere. I really don’t see what other type of household item you would want.

I grew up subsisting 30% on Fannie May chocolate balls that Dee left in little crystal dishes around the house. The CBs were individually wrapped in bright-colored foil that made an awesome sound when I crinkled it right next to my ear verrrry slowwwwwwly, because even when wee, I was completely insane. (I still do the ear-crinkle today, and even ask other people for their discarded foil wrapping… as if they had any use for it whatsoever. Sick!) Dee’s fancy dishes were a nice touch; who wants to pluck a CB from a plastic bowl? Pass!

(Who would store her CBs loosely on her crumb-y coffee table, like wayward marbles, if she had them in her own apartment? Me, but I believe we were scrutinizing Dee’s household, not mine.)

I don’t even know what the point of this was; I’m just trying to get rid of all my “drafts”. You lose, no refunds, refer to title of website, etc.

It’s not that I don’t like you if you like Altoids. I just don’t like Altoids. Swim around in that puzzle at your own risk. WARNING: No lifeguard on duty!!!

This post is totally gonna get hits from people looking for porn. Also, because I just said “porn.”

I know everyone thinks these shoes are heinous, and I guess they kind of are… to look at. Still. I think wearing them would be totally comfy. If I lived in a region where no one was fashionable and all I had to do all day was walk around the town/beach/forest/desert/my car, etc. I would be wearing Crocs 24/7. I’d have all the colors of Crocs, and I’d probably post pictures of me in Crocs on my blog. That car would have to be really big, too, so I’d also post pics of that.

People would be like “Hey, did you read Croc Girl’s blog today?” and their friends would say “Of course. What a fool! Killer blog though.”

I’m not going to do it or anything. This is just to state that I really want to. Whatever. Bite me!

Are you looking at me?

This is from the UK’s Sun Online.

Mystic Meg is about the scariest creature I’ve ever seen. Who clicks on that? Tell me you would click on that.

Some people (like Blythe) were already raving about HBO’s Flight of the Conchords weeks ago. She really liked the first episode and I was like yeah, it’s okay, but I get the feeling I’d find these guys really annoying if not for the New Zealand accents. While that may still be true, this parody of the Pet Shop Boys’ “West End Girls” totally won me over:

(They actually had me at “I was gonna spit it out but I think I’ll just eat it” — the music video was just a bonus.)

The overpass they stand/sing on reminds me of the one right near where the Chesh and I used to live, in Brooklyn. We took some adventures there but then stopped doing that, suspecting we might get killed.

That was someone’s abandoned, broken umbrella that we decided must be used as a prop. Possibly the oddest photo I’ve ever taken.

Yeah right!

Bret and Jemaine could also never afford an apartment in their neighborhood. But this doesn’t make me hate them as much as it usually makes me hate characters. Again: chiefly due to the accent. Way to be from a different country, guys!

*They say it more like “syntha-sizahs,” which I find insanely attractive. But that could just be the word, and the general concept. I love synthesizers.

Previously, on Yahoo!…

Chesh sent me this screengrab because, he said, “I couldn’t believe something so perfectly suited for you was on my screen!” Awww. It really is unrealistically perfect. I especially enjoy how the very question posed by the Top Story — “Is this for real?” — is negated by the fourth link below it, presumably a link to the same exact story as the big tout. I know words like “tout.”

But then inexplicably, the story had vanished from Yahoo! It appears someone didn’t do his/her reporting to find out that according to Wikipedia, the Luther Burger, named that because it was something Luther Vandross liked to eat, originated in Decateur, GA and has been around for years.

What I find even more ridiculous than Yahoo! taking the story down is that it was even a story in the first place. Don’t get me wrong — it’s definitely my idea of breaking news — but the fact that it was featured so prominently on the site, if only for a few minutes, is truly puzzling. It’s as if someone who really wanted to get fired from Yahoo! went and messed around in the backend for his/her own enjoyment. Annie Barrett’s separated-at-birth twin, are you having a laugh?

We couldn’t let the issue go…

Remember said puncture? Ahhhhh, the puncture.

WTF, Yahoo!?

Here’s my love letter to Crystal Waters and Kristi Yamaguchi. It’s the PopWatch item I always wanted to write and now I have. I rule! Slightly.

DR correspondent Michael Slezak (google alert!) took the liberty of printing out this gem from his AOL inbox:

He left it sitting on my chair — conveniently, right where my ass goes. Very clever. I could have just digital-imaged it straight from a computer, but decided to photograph it directly instead for the sake of authenticity — in the form of the two slight folds below “Flush” and above “up.” Totally didn’t need to point those out for you. It’s just that I have this extraordinary work ethic and sometimes run out of ways to channel it!

I appreciate the artwork and color scheme of this ad. I do wish it didn’t make me feel like such a heifer. Because, you see, the wording “this meal” is overwhelmingly inaccurate. This grub constituted probably seven of my meals last week, or any week for that matter. So I resent the implication, Colonex. My digestive tract is way more busted than you can even fathom. But nice try.

(For their next ad, Colonex may wish to consider this concoction that Dee found in a magazine three years ago.)

My workerbuddy Samantha “Get Your Harm On” Harmon and I encountered this Statue of Liberty impersonator outside the Paramount builidng at 50th and Broadway. I’m not sure which corporation put him up to this — it had to be something, because why would a human decide on his own to don a rubber suit plus crown in 99-degree heat? It could have been that stupid restaurant behind/under him, Mars 2112, because they’re always up to something idiotic on the sidewalk. Would that mean the Statue of Liberty can now be classified as an alien creature? I say yes.

Anyway, the guy waves to us as we stagger by, hardly able to breathe despite our adorable, barely there summer outfits, and I chirp out a hearty Heidi Klum-esque “HELL-O!” I thought that’d be it. But then, inexplicably, Sam whirls around, post-pass, to make the nonchalant comment, “You must be really hot.” He nods. Awkward silence, and then she whips out: “Sorry!” and keeps walking.

This was one of Sam’s finer moments and the first pictorial evidence of her on DR. It was a big day for both of us.

What? It’s 99 degrees. I can barely bring myself to drag my finger to the “Publish” button.

OHHHHH SNAP I just did.

UPDATE: The longer I stare at that guy the more I think he just does this every day on different corners, because unless that big blue bucket is filled with ice water, it’s his change cup. Look at the size of that thing. How much change does he think he’s gonna get?

Apparently, until the end of July? What? Just because of The Simpsons movie? ANNOYING. It’s not that I have anything against The Simpsons. I’m just really, really into Slurpees. It’s a matter of vocab. I do not care for this.

While in the midwest, I visited probably 15 different 7-Elevens, happily selecting the Coke or Pepsi flavors for my whole cup… of SLURPEE. But the last store, on Friday, had Mountain Dew AND Coke, or what I like to call The Bifecta. This means I got to crank both flavors out in spurts to create a zebra effect. Not a crazy amount of layers. Six at the most. Anything more than six is overkill, unless you opt for the giant cup.

I was thrilled. This is me being thrilled.

You should see me when I’m ecstatic.

Note that I attach the plastic top before pulling the lever, so that the SLURPEE molds itself into a perfect dome, no hassles. It pisses me off when people don’t know how or just don’t remember to do this. But then I quickly get over it, because other people’s ineptitude ends up making me feel superior, which is always great!

Also, check out what the security cam picked up:

Soooooo embarrassing.

My mom, Dee, and I got this cookie last week at the Jersey Sub Shop, which is obviously located in Michigan.

The JSS is amazing on all levels including “has giant Shrek outside for no reason” (see much less ambitious post, below). But come on. WHAT is this design?

We didn’t quite grasp the extent of its mind-numbing quandary when we first ordered it. At point of sale, it was basically like “We need to get a big-ass cookie, end of story.” Then we got home and, post-subs, just kept staring at the cookie for entire minutes. We checked out different angles, adjusted the lighting… at one point I deliberately walked off in a huff, like “I’ve HAD it with that cookie” and then of course walked right back to see if a whiplashed, fake-first impression would do the trick. It totally did not.

We flat-out refused to eat the cookie until we figured out what was supposed to be on top of it, then gave up and ate it anyway. Among our guesses: Snowflake (all me), [confused look] (Dee), simulation of Spirograph (all me), [exasperated look] (Dee), variation on the Burger King crown featuring squiggly lines representative of what happens inside after you eat Burger King (all me). I thought snowflake was pretty spot-on, but Dee gave a final [ENRAGED LOOK] that ran a close second.

You will note that this cookie is roughly four times the circumference of a modestly sized glass of Diet Dr. Pepper. I’m all about the SCALE these days.

I had one more guess and basically nothing to do for the rest of the day, so I drove back to the JSS to confront the guy at the counter head-on about the puzzling design. It was weird.

ANNIE: Hi.

DECORATOR: Oh, hello!

ANNIE: (awkwardly, unnecessarily) I’m back!

DECORATOR: [blank stare]

ANNIE: Did you, like, decorate those cookies? [points at others]

DECORATOR: Yeah! I decided to give it a shot today.

ANNIE: Was the usual decorator not around?

DECORATOR: Right.

ANNIE: Oh, that’s really cool of you. [?!] I have to ask. What exactly were you going for, here? My mom and I have been debating it for half an hour. We’re so confused. I mean, I’m all about artistic expression and doing your own thing [?!], and since this is clearly “your own thing,” [air quotes] I love it just for being itself and… existing. But… what did you have in mind when you set out to do these? TELL ME YOUR FUCKING VISION, MAN.

DECORATOR: [thinks for a long time]

ANNIE: [thinks about leaving because this is SO AWFUL]

DECORATOR: You know what? I have no idea.

ANNIE: I think I know what it was. [gingerly extends a printout of the following image]

ANNIE: It was Queen Frostine’s wand from Candy Land. It’s been on your mind for decades and you’re just now coming to terms with it.

DECORATOR: Holy shit.

ANNIE: [smirks]

DECORATOR: I think you’re RIGHT!

ANNIE: You… like… Candy Land?

STEVE HOLT: No. … I LOVE it!

—

True or false: The above did not actually happen, because I’m way too lazy to re-leave the house.

It did not stop me.

At least I’m updating!