Another week, another complete mindf—. I’m sure no one who reads this blog watches this show, but I write about it for work, so go ahead and humor me a moment because this week, the backgrounds were unusually top-notch… which on this show translates to “more incredibly bad than usual.” Check it:

I really appreciated this one. Billy Ray Cyrus’ inflated noggin got to bobble alongside three beautiful, seafoam, tiered, lit candlesticks. He is the picture of fake serenity. I want to step right into the placidi-scape behind him and hang out there for a few minutes to calm down and maybe eat a Frango… before I creep up behind him, re-enter reality with the torches, and ever so delicately light his hair on fire.

Karina Smirnoff is in some sort of holding cell, which is both a metaphor for her life and conveniently splashed with neon hues reminiscent of the Saved by the Bell opening titles. Ah, the glory days of Mario Lopez. Which should never enter the public realm as a viable sentence. TOO LATE.

More candles for Joey Fatone. I believe they want us to think he is gay, which they should because at least then I’d find him 3% endearing compared to his current score of 0.

Kym Johnson: rapping at us from the future while wearing a jacket from the present made to look like it’s from the past. I’m hearing a horrible rendition of “Light Years” in my head, which does make sense as Kym is Australian. GET OFF OF KYLIE MINOGUE’S SPACESHIP.

There is also the slight chance Kym was doing her interview from the United terminal at Chicago’s O’Hare airport.

Bo-ring. But it’s Maks, and he’s wearing a sweater that is somehow simultaneously earth-toned and Easter Bunny-esque. I see no problem here. It should be noted that I am intentionally ignoring the atrocious bauble in his left ear. That is my prerogative.

For the record, Maks has also never seen a problem when it comes to himself. Please click here.

Oh, cute, Laila Ali did the interview from her grandma’s house.

Dare I say she looks a tiny bit cooler doing the interview from my eerie-ass apartment?

Oh, cute, Ian Ziering did his interview from Laila Ali’s grandma’s house.

Is that piano real? I know the dance studio is. And the dance studio is reflected in the piano. But the flowers just would not be there under any circumstances. Whose job was it to set that up? You’re fired.

Wait, did Ian maybe give Cheryl those for her birthday? Don’t care to check.

Julianne only gets two. It was not her birthday.

FAKE.

Don’t stay tuned!