Fresh (actually, a few weeks stale like the English muffins in my fridge) out of the PopWatch oven:

Who dat?

Why yes! I’d buy a crate of pickles ‘n’ cream popsicles from this fiiiine man.

Who is this stud selling Schick razors in a 1980 commercial? Take your time guessing, if you even need to, which you shouldn’t.

Click here for the answer and to watch the video.

Dee bought these awesome Cadbury Buttons while we were on vacation at Christmas. Everybody loves buttons, and I am always quick to go with the crowd, so I knew these would be a hit with me. Just look at this kickass wrapper with an enormous cartoon button on it. Gaze adoringly at the bubble-like notches. Awwww!

But look:

NO NOTCHES.

These are not buttons! These are coins. But since they’re not worth anything, they’re actually most like the small, silver, coin-like discs of the same size that my sister and I used to “collect” while roaming around our dad’s unfinished construction projects. I don’t know what these things were or what they fell out of, but every time we went with Bill to “check the jobs,” there would be a fresh smattering of worthless silver coins in every room. Maybe the workers left them there to toy with us. I believe Meg and I would compete to see who could find more “money,” until we got sick of it and started tearing up large swatches of cotton candy-like pink insulation instead. Yes, the chemically poisonous kind. Ah, childhood.

Back to candy. Once you wipe the tears away from the false-advertising setup, the Cadbury Buttons are seriously amazing. The slight curvature on the top lends to some terrific mouth-melting, and January 23rd is by no means too soon to begin raving about the distinct chocolatey/oddly fruity (at the end) taste only America’s favorite vaguely British Eastertime import can provide.

But still. I call bullshit!

…Should women beyond a certain age be banned from wearing purple and pink eyeshadow?

This was Marion Ross as Sally Field’s mother on last night’s Brothers & Sisters. I don’t know, it just looks trashy. You can call me an ageist, but I would call myself a person with eyes… that AREN’T COVERED IN SHIMMERY LILAC.

I’ve had it with the commercials for the “Timeshares Only” hotline!

First of all, great pic. This woman simply would not work with me. She is falling asleep because the couple in the hot tub, WHOM SHE IS WATCHING ON HER COMPUTER, YEAH RIGHT, haven’t done anything besides sit there. Fakest. Office. Ever.

Who do they think they are, McDonald’s? “Over $2 Billion sold!” You don’t sell money. You sell burgers, if you’re cool, and possibly timeshares.

Who is watching an infomercial for Timeshares Only — “the most trusted name in timeshares!” — and thinking, “You know what? Yes!” and placing a call? No one! I refuse to believe this company really exists beyond my TV.

Not to mention: You have no idea how annoying the word “timeshares” can be after this bitch says it 20 times in one minute. Sometimes there’s an upward lilt on the second syllable. Most often, she whacks you upside the head on the “TIME” part. Tiiiiiiimeshares!

Next time I’m going to have to reach through her fake computer screen, where I’ll be fake-sipping a lethal tequila sunrise atop a fake raft in a fake infinity pool, and pour it down her gullet. Of course, that’d be admitting she and her fake office really exist, which I’m not sure I’m ready to do at this juncture. I should head south to my new timeshare and ruminate on this.

Whether I’m being extra cheesy, extra self-reflective, or extra awesome by posting a picture of the Magic Hat #9 bottlecap I just dropped on the floor, I don’t really care.* Happy 2007.

*I totally care, otherwise I wouldn’t post it on my blog. Or… have a blog.

(That’s an old, scratchy saucepan, for those of you wondering! Were you wondering? I thought it was so cool. I think I am so cool.)

What to eat now… Bag of Doritos or giant Twix my mom, Dee, stuffed into my suitcase?

I have more to say about Doritos tomorrow, which doesn’t mean I chose them.

I chose them.

Psych! I chose both.

Mouth-swishing (Magic Hat + Twix) = highly recommended.

It’s a very good place to start.