Guess who’s back? Me.

Over the last month, I’ve taken loads of unnecessary photos in the midwest (Michigan and Chicago). Most were of food. A lot were of Chicken McNuggets. With a car to myself, I could have gone anywhere and purchased rare, impressive, and photogenic meals, but instead I ended up lining up nuggets and White Castle burgers in what I’d almost venture to call “artistic” settings.

Sack of Ten

Discussion questions:

1. Why only ten?

2. Artistic?

3. If we can’t actually see Slider 8, can we be sure it exists?

4. Sliders 5, 7, and 10 are upside down. Is this significant? Was it intentional? Why or why not?

5. What, ultimately, is Annie trying to say in this piece? Is the photo about burgers, or is it about longing? Construct an expository paragraph containing the word “gurgle” that explains your choice.

After nearly a decade of ambivalence and/or not caring about White Castle, I’ve finally decided I’m in love with it. There are no exceptions. You couldn’t throw anything on that menu at me that I wouldn’t catch in my mouth and enjoy, including the new Hidden Valley Chicken Rings (right, on my All Reheated, All The Time conveyor belt, with a tiny bit of Pizza Hut Stuffed Crust pie pokin’ its way into the frame… with a bite out of it… I’m so gross). Whitey’s also carries Tobasco Chicken Rings, which I’m guessing just means thousands of tiny red flakes instead of green.

The Chicken Rings should strike any normal person as nasty. Me, I’m impressed. Shaping disgusting chicken innards into small circles, then deep frying and caking them in ten times more artificial flavoring than would ever be called for. Admit it: It’s a wonderful idea!

(Remember when Tobias cries out “It’s a wonderful restaurant!” at Burger King on Arrested Development? That’s in my top ten.)

I’m a firm believer that once you find the perfect consistency for a certain food, you’ve got to make sure that, if possible, you get to eat it in that exact state every time. Case in point: I discovered that baking the Sliders at 450 degrees for about five minutes — even if they’re already fresh from the restaurant, “fresh” and “restaurant” being understandably shaky terms in this case — produces my favorite Slider consistency. The bun, which is so bulbous and shiny and expertly shaped, like an infant’s head, looks and tastes better when it’s charred a bit, at least on the top. That way, you get some crunch at the very beginning of the bite and then once you’re through the “shell” (similar to the candy coating of an M&M) you get to chew the rest of the still-soft inner bun. Mmmm.

Beware of the tongue-singeing cheese! It’ll getcha. But it’s worth it, because later you’ll be doing something else, think “why does my tongue kill?” and remember, fondly, “Ahhh, White Castle.” And you’ll probably be on the toilet.

All of the above is to say that even though I’m back in Brooklyn, when I don’t know what to write about in the next couple of weeks, I’m just going to do throwbacks to my long-ass vacation. They’ll come out of nowhere, like cool weather and the new Pepperidge Farm Rainbow Goldfish. Watch out!