This pageant is so universal on so many levels
July 24th, 2006
There are a few basic ground rules for committing to such a profoundly stupid activity as watching the Miss Universe pageant.
1. Don’t make the pageant the focal point. Your brain needs something to do during these two hours other than dare itself to explode with every waking second. I was “working,” so I was all set. Snacks always help. I’d even venture to say that staring at a speck on the wall a few feet away from the TV instead of at the TV itself would probably suffice if you really can’t think of anything else to do while the pageant is airing.
2. It’s not fun unless there’s a group of other cynical bastards around you to flesh out your mean-spirited, mostly jealous comments with contributions of their own. And of course…
3. It’s okay to make fun of other countries and their citizens during the show. In fact, this is basically the point of the entire thing. Slur away!
4. Donald Trump should be fired.
5. It’s wrong to judge women on the way they look. Let’s judge some of the top 10 on their “interests” instead:
Desiree’s livin’ her exact dream for about five more seconds. You go!
She was cute on Project Runway this week, but…
Four-wheeling?
Dead to me.
Personal motto: “Fuck you, Mexico! Pass the gnocchi.”
I actually loved this one. But, ha! Being social!
This one garnered the biggest response circa me, as everyone shouted with delight: “READING ABOUT HEALTH AND NUTRITION!”
The competition needs more girls as well-rounded as her.
And… the zinger. “Watching Reality TV.” You idiot.
(Of course, she won.)
Bonus feature: Miss Paraguay’s giant earring.
Thanks to TG for helpfully pointing it out, otherwise I might not have found it. It just occurred to me that calling it Miss Universe is a little presumptuous. I bet some of the hottest interplanetary regional winners weren’t even invited. Good going, Trump.
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