…but I’ll never get out of the kitchen. That’s where the food is!

I’m going to see Madonna’s “Confessions Tour” tonight, on the hottest day of the summer. Wait for the awesome part: Madonna won’t allow air conditioning at Madison Square Garden because it affects her singing voice. She’s just not havin’ it with the ventilation. Apparently people at her last concert here were removed on stretchers. That sounds like so much fun.

I’m personally going to the show more for the spectacle than Madonna’s singing voice, but props to her for being a bad enough bitch to have the power to do this. “This” meaning possibly killing thousands of her adoring fans. I don’t function in heat, so even if there are only a few fatalities at the show, you better believe I’ll be one of them.

Other possible tombstone taglines:

“Come on, Get Together for your last photo with Annie”
“Sorry”
“In the evidence of her brilliance” (HA!)
“She Loved New York”
“Forbidden Love: Were Annie and Cheetos supposed to be together?”
“There’s only so much you can learn in one place”
“How High? High as hell.”
“Heart Failed (in the Back of a Concert)”

—

That was totally fun.

If you’re not rolling on the floor laughing your ass off at my tombstone taglines, rest assured: it’s because all but one of them are references to “Confessions on a Dance Floor.” It’s cool if you didn’t know that. We can’t all die at a Madonna concert, you know. People need to choose their own battles and just go for the gold. Just DIE already!

Anyway, a final farewell to all. I love you.

(Anyone else digging this centered text?)

I’m melting… just watch me burn.