I wrote this recap of last night’s Apprentice for EW.com. Most of it is about my newfound love for Ivanka Trump, to whom I have assigned the pet name iTrump.

I had composed a certain regrettable paragraph comparing Ivanka to a baby chick that had just hatched. Being a baby chick would explain why Ivanka always seems so uncertain of her surroundings and why the skin on her bobblehead looks so shiny… baby chicks have that sort of clear post-birth glaze all over them, right? And we wouldn’t blame baby chicks for being out of it all the time — I mean, they’re baby chicks. And Ivanka is Donald Trump’s daughter, so the lenience factor is similarly high. High, like I sound right now. I bet iTrump gets high and listens to her iPod all the time.

Fortunately, I realized the baby chick thing made me sound like a complete psycho and removed the entire paragraph before turning in the story. Thank god, because it would have been really embarrassing to have that up on the ‘net.

Sometimes I say “‘net.”