Spent much of today making small changes to this site (none of which will ever be detected; awesome!) and trying to figure out why the hell the e-mail address I’d been using for the site worked about 3% of the time. There’s a new one now, called diminishingreturnsdotnet@gmail.com. I chose that name because I like long, nonsensical words and because I apparently don’t derive enough daily pleasure from Gmail as it is.

Also Google-related: (I am a Google machine! Google, check it out! Now improve my rating.) In my mostly uninteresting data-prowl through a nifty program called StatCounter, I came across this fun chart about my October 2004 archive. It’s a list of queries people made that resulted in them clicking on the link to DR in Google.

I find most of these terrific, especially “funny reindeer sweater,” “diminishing returns pizza,” and “manhattan mini storage crotch,” the latter of which is proof that at least one other person in this city was completely dumbfounded as to why an ad for rentable space needed to involve a plate of spaghetti and a crotch.

“Swishing process” was a surprise. I’m guessing this person (who lives in… Korea?!) wasn’t referring to the “mouth-swish,” a savoring process involving expertly paired food and drink with which I’m particularly obsessed. Did he want to know how to brush his teeth? Drink wine? Intriguing.

As far as I know, Pepperidge farm doesn’t make danish, but kudos to whoever decided to google that. I’m guessing he or she had “Entenmann’s,” the obvious brand, on the tip of the tongue, but it happened to come out “Pepperidge Farm.” Gross. I found most of their products dry, tasteless, and packaged in way too small of serving sizes, until they came out with the Soft Baked cookie series.

Hmm. Just Googled (again!) those cookies and found this review site. It’s called Phoood. Um, cool. Is that like Phiiish? Click on that and check out the plea from the dude who seems certain that he loves Soft Baked Snickerdoodles but can’t find them in his native France. I feel seriously horrible for this guy. He’s begging people, none of whom will ever respond to him, for “help” in acquiring the cookies. And his name is SLY! I’m dying.

The only query I have a problem with is “diminishing returns weight loss.” That’s just not right.

CL: Google!
CH: Anything Google hasn’t conquerred yet. It should, soon, because it’s a great company!