Dee called yesterday to tell me that the title of my last entry (”Stop coming here”) and the part where I said I was currently hating myself made it sound like I was depressed. I was like, “No, mom, that was a joke.” She was like, “How was it funny?” It was a really good question.

You’re probably wondering how the Plan (officially titled “Lose Weight”) is going. I kept a log, asked for professional feedback (free at NYU’s health center for Students Who Should Have Graduated By Now) and a group of dieticians categorized my progress as “Not Good.” Check out what I had for 3am Snack, or what in normal-person-time can be translated to: Lunch

It’s a smattering of the some of the few items left in my festering fridge and the end of a baguette that was stale yesterday. The topping consists of shredded mozzerella cheese (melted), pine nuts, scallions, olive oil, and garlic salt. They were not applied to the bread in that order. For a DR Challenge, try to guess the order yourself!

Sometimes (not in this case, because those little fuckers tasted amazing), I decide I’m unhappy with the meal I just ate. Maybe it was a loserish sandwich on wheat bread or a bowl of nasty soup with bad croutons. When this happens, I mentally shut down and start panicking about when would be a proper time for me to eat again. I feel like it should be sooner than later, because my previous experience was such a letdown. But eating something else right away would be piggish.

My solution, as of late, has been to chug two extra-large bottles of water (right, flanked on one side by Fritos Scoops!). One is a rectangular Fiji bottle I can remember buying. The other is the biggest bottle Poland Spring makes, but since I can’t remember ever buying it I know that it’s by this point in time incredibly disgusting and probably has bits and pieces of the general filth in my apartment encased into each of its Michelin Man-like ridges.

Dieters or people who just like to do sick things to their bodies: take note! Chugging both of these at once actually makes me hungry again within the hour, and if you feel hungry, that’s your body’s way of saying you should eat. So, score.

The chugging also makes me pee a lot, which can be fun and semi-convincing of one’s general progress in life. If I’m just going to be sitting around for four hours, especially if I’m at home, I feel a lot more productive if I have to get up and jog to the bathroom a few times. Throw 20 times into the mix and I almost have a workout going. It’s awesome.