muse-like friend has suggested I pen a collection of essays about my time here in New Buffalo, MI and title it “Cooler by the Lake.” The cover would be a picture of me or someone hotter, maybe a stock model with more beach-appropriate feet, sprawled out on the sand next to a cooler teeming with beer and snacks. Love the title, love the cover, but the essays themselves might lack substance. Here’s a rundown of a few potential segments:

Annie wakes up before 11 and congratulates herself profusely.

Annie makes a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and eats it on the deck.

Annie then congratulates herself profusely. (It was awesome!)

Annie willingly watches shows that she usually gets paid to grudgingly view, like “Clean Sweep,” “While You Were Out,” “In a Fix,” or any other program on TLC. She doesn’t get why, but is increasingly suspicious that they are all, in fact, the same show.

Annie watches “The Real World,” makes an “I just saw naked Wes butt” face and then sits silently for three hours while writing about it. To reward herself, she eats three-quarters of a Kirschbaum’s cherry pie.

Annie swipes her sister’s giant ice water, which happened to be mixed with three heaping tablespoons of tasteless digestive aid MiraLax. 12 minutes later, Annie receives payback in the form of [you don’t even want to know]. The photo at right does not relate to the incident, but Meghan’s all-knowing smirk does make it sort of fit.

Annie pretends to take her car out “to go running” but ends up just driving around.

Dee force-feeds Annie a Vienna Beef hot dog, Chicago-style minus the long pickle, which Annie’s just not that into. (On the side, though, it would have been great. How weird is that? This could be one of the discussion questions at the end of the chapter!)

After three hours of trying, Annie kills an innocent white moth that was actually sort of pretty.

Annie wears the same “Miller High Life” t-shirt for five days straight.

Annie finally showers. It’s a little scary.

But then she puts the shirt back on. All is well.

I think this could be a bestseller, guys!