I confessed to Meghan my psychological problems involving Magnolia cupcakes, and instead of empathizing with me like I thought she would, she laughed in my face. Here’s the problem: When there’s a food product I really value - and this is not limited to junk food like 99% of this site - I need to have a backup if I’m going to indulge.

This means that if I decide I want my last orange, I need to go out and buy another orange (or six) before I eat the first. The supply must be replenished before it depletes, or “diminishes,” if I want to be cute about it.

This isn’t funny. I have a serious problem. Late at night, I’ll decide I want to cook penne pasta, and unless there’s another box somewhere in apartment, I can’t bring myself to do it because then I wouldn’t have any more penne.

What?! I am insane! I know this. Just let me get it out, because you’re already here and probably not about to leave (although now would be a great time).

I do this with mini Twix, mac ‘n’ cheese, lime Tostitos, and eggs, to name a few. I will even let rotting flowers sit on my coffee table while I procrastinate buying new ones, instead of just throwing them out as soon as they start to flake out.

I’ve thought about it for a few hours now (I have a really fulfilling life) and have concluded that it’s only store-bought items that I need immediately replenished. If I cook eggplant parm or make tuna salad, it’s not like I’m going to whip up another tray of it just because I’m almost done with the leftovers. That would be crazy! And when I have restaruant leftovers, I don’t feel a strong urge to run back and order the same thing right away. Unless it was, you know, really good. No, the OCD seems to be limited to single items that are sold as small wholes unto themselves.

Case in point: Magnolia cupcakes. Meghan and I decided to split a box of four. I assumed this would provide a pretty good buffer zone for me, because she would only eat one (to my one) and leave me with two extra when she left. Then, I could safely eat the third while planning another trip to the bakery for more.

This is just wrong. I would apparently rather let the fourth innocent cupcake become stale and possibly never eaten than just eat all my purchased servings at once and live without the presence of cupcakes in my apartment for one whole day. I need some help.

When it was clear that Meghan was going to eat her second, I became despondent and confided this particular food-related OCD to her, to no avail. She thought I was nuts when I suggested that before we eat the second pair, we should walk over and get two more because the bakery wasn’t closed yet!

When I type it out, it doesn’t seem logical to me either. But at the time, the feeling was so intense, so certain. Look at those colors. Would you want to part with all of them without backup? Think about it. :(