I won’t pretend I’m the first person to ever loathe Old Navy commercials. Been there, done that, bought the leotard. I think you’ll agree, though, that its latest spot about Bermuda shorts is the chain’s worst yet.

I don’t mean in a “so bad it’s good” way. I get the feeling Old Navy knows how much people must despise its colorful, ultra-campy commercials, but keeps making them because they’re sort of endearing in their own right.

No. They’re not. In fact, every time this new one comes on, I don’t hit mute anymore, like I used to. I literally lunge for the remote or the TV itself (which is usually closer, considering the size of the Pink Palace) so I can actually turn it off or fast forward. Anything that’ll get it completely out of my sight.

With DVR (my life partner), it’s so easy to forego commercials when I’m really serious about watching a show. But when I’m trying to read or write and the TV is just on, I have recently had horrible luck with this commercial. It’s like my personal nemesis. I think it might actually live in my cable system. Maybe it realized how much I freak out whenever it comes on and has stored itself as a unique recording for those special, rare moments when I’m actually being happily productive… just so it can blast itself in an in-your-face “Up yours, Barrett!” type of way.

I just read that paragraph over and realized how moronic I sound. I could just… not have the TV on. Duh.

But that would be too easy. Plus, I like having the news SNL reruns on just in case there’s a breaking story I should know about. This also cuts down on my gossip website-reading time, so everyone wins. Except me.

You’ve seen this commercial, right? It’s set to the tune of that song from Fame. “I’m gonna live forever… I’m gonna learn how to fly (FAME!)” The choreography is the final scene in Fame times five in terms of obnoxiousness and jazz hands.

Yeah. Here are the lyrics to the Old Navy commercial. You think they sound stupid on TV? You have no idea how dumb they appear in print:

Bermuda shorts (SHORTS!)
I’m gonna wear them forever
Even if the weather is mild (SHORTS!)
My family’s lookin’ so crisp and clever
Long shorts from the tropical isle (SHORTS!)
You’ll wanna wear ‘em forever
You should remember their name
Bermuda! Bermuda! Bermuda! Bermuda!
Old Navy! Bermuda!

This is the part where it absolutely kills me that my camera is being repaired (for, like, weeks) and I can’t snap a pic of this one perfect frame. It’s on the second SHORTS! outburst, and they zoom in on this dude’s crotch with a huge “Shorts!” superimposed just above. Is that necessary? We get it! Bermuda! Shorts! “Remember their name?” They’re Bermuda shorts! We already knew about them! Ugh. It’s all so suffocating.

But since I’ve dedicated a shamless amount of energy to it already, I should at least adapt the jingle for my own purposes.

Annie’s shitty website (DIMINISHING RETURNS!)
You’re gonna read it forever
Even when it’s totally bland (DIMINISHING RETURNS!)
Wonder why it’s never that clever?
She’s always high on Stoli Raz/cran (BOOZE!)
You really don’t wanna be here
It’s not gonna brighten your day
West Village! 20-something! She’s clueless! Stop coming!
Annie Barrett! DR!

Don’t even get me started on the Gap’s “Pretty Khaki” commercials. Khaki? Not pretty. Is not even remotely associated with prettiness. Carrie Bradshaw would be seriously horrified.

I particularly hate how there are two dramatic buildups with “I enjoy being a…” and then she just speaks the word “girl.” What a mindfuck. Is anyone else frustrated that she doesn’t let loose and just belt out the high notes? It’s not like she couldn’t do it. I want to tell her “You’re SJP. Trust us. We’ll listen. We’ll think you’re adorable even if it sounds a little off!”

I keep thinking one of these times, they’ll surprise us and she’ll actually capitalize on the buildup with a resounding “giiiiiiirl!” I’d be so satisfied I might even turn off the TV.

Oh wait, and does anyone else want to vomit at the “Men think I’m cute and funny” part? I can’t believe she stole my personal mantra! Ha. Okay. I’m pulling the plug now. It’s time.

P.S. San Francisco pics