Okay, that wasn’t the breaking news, although it was true and heartfelt. And green! Hooray for Irish people, etc. The real story is that I’ve sold out. I bought Better ‘n Eggs “real egg product” today. I was proud of this purchase as I would save time and arm movements because I’m sick of stirring my egg whites and these eggs are already liquified for me.

Turns out my sister, who knows everything about stuff like this, totally ragged on my new buy. I thought she’d be all for it, especially after I warmed her up by asking about another healthier egg product, the “beaters” variety, which I knew she used. But it completely backfired. Take a look:

Banannie54: do you ever eat egg beaters?
NutMeg54: i did
NutMeg54: i don’t know why

Exsqueeze me? Come again?

Banannie54: not good?
NutMeg54: b;/c they were REALLY disgusting
NutMeg54: like moldy runny goo that somewhat resembles the color and shape but not texture of real eggs
Banannie54: eww

Who was this person? She made sense and was arguing for real food instead of chemically arranged, nightmarish food products. Though alarmed, for some reason, I decided to forge ahead with my devastating news. I had already brought up eggs, after all.

Banannie54: i bought another egg product today
Banannie54: not beaters
NutMeg54: i don’t really get why people buy them when they can just buy real eggs and quickly beat them together

What?! Her line of really good reasoning threw me for a loop. Here’s when I knew my sister has returned from the Dark Side (and that I have plunged into it). She used to be obsessed with diet-friendly alternatives. What has happened to her? What has happened to me?

NutMeg54: what one
NutMeg54: why?
NutMeg54: eggs are great

I feel like crying out here. I know! I love eggs so much! At this point, I’m suffering an intense identity crisis. Who the F claims to be a true food lover and then buys something that claims to be an improvement upon, or “‘n,” that food? Save me from the egg product, Meghan. Take me back! Reel me in! I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it. Eggs are great. All those times you told me I shouldn’t be eating the orange part must have just gotten to me. I’ll make it up to you, I promise!

Banannie54: um… Better ‘n Eggs
Banannie54: oh god, i will probably hate it
NutMeg54: try it though
NutMeg54: why did you buy it?
Banannie54: it says “real egg product”
NutMeg54: easier to make?
Banannie54: yeah
NutMeg54: it’s probably not
NutMeg54: real
Banannie54: oh god
Banannie54: then how can they say that?
NutMeg54: i’m sure it’s easier
NutMeg54: it has to be illegal

Hmmm. Cut ahead two hours. I just whipped up a few breakfast burritos with the real egg product and thought they were pretty good. This could simply be due to my flair with a skillet, but I’m going to count this post as a win for Annie and another blatant loss for Meghan Barrett and - as always - the readers of Diminishing Returns. I’m sorry. For everything.