Tomorrow marks my first official full-time job that I’ll actually be interested in. Past employment gigs of mine (read: TEMPING) have included making sure visitors to a valve factory in Melrose Park, IL put on their safety goggles before entering “the plant.” I spent another summer “tweaking” foreign IT workers’ resumes into Tekmark Global Solutions’ official format (in other words, translating them into English). There was a Quizno’s across the street.

Worse than actually sitting at these jobs eight hours a day was having to answer the phone: “Good morning, Henry Valve” and “Good afternoon, Tekmark Global Solutions.” Believe it or not, I actually had to write that second one out for a few days. It probably wasn’t so much that the text was difficult. I was just in disbelief that that was the company’s name and that I was supposed to say it.

Sometimes the phone would ring and I’d literally have to stare at my post-it and practice the phrase before picking up. And sometimes I started laughing after the trial run. Seriously. I’d answer the phone saying “Tekmark Global Solutions” followed by a giggle.

I think that must have been somewhat on purpose. I might have figured that if I appeared to be lighthearted about having to say that name, maybe the callers would “be on my side” or something… and not make fun of me on the other end of the line for saying those three words together and in that order.

But that makes no sense. The people obviously knew who they were calling. Most of them were the job-seeking foreign IT workers themselves, and my giggling probably confused the hell out of them. The others were from Tekmark Global Solutions’ headquarters in Edison, NJ. What did I think, that one of those times, someone would notice my sarcastic twang and suddenly commiserate with me: “Oh, I know, I think it’s such a ridiculous name, too!”

No. Turns out my laughing benefitted no one. This is why I was ultimately not Tekmark Global Material. (Even though when I left, they gave me a forest green company polo.)

Although — one time, I came really close. I thought I had really clicked with one of those corporate schmucks because right after I answered, a concerned-sounding man said, “Yes, hello. I seem to have a major global problem.” Ha! He was being facetious! I rejoiced, and blurted out “Well, sir, we’ve got your global solution right here!” Turns out the caller was my dad, who phoned at least twice per morning to hear me say “Tekmark Global Solutions” and then make fun of me. Awesome.

In conclusion, don’t mock the company if you have to answer the phone. But if your dad calls to mock of the company, totally do it and talk loud enough for the guy down the hall to hear you and then have to send you out to retrieve him and his fat gut an Italian Beef sandwich “as punishment” but it won’t really be because you’ll get yourself a pizza puff!