Tried out my new Lisa Frank notebook at school today. It’s my only class, so I’m really going for it with the SS. Check out an excerpt:

I held it up for my friend James and he was like, “That’s awesome!” and I was like, “Uh, I know.” Hello! Weirdo.

Sorry about the hiatus. Annie, nobody cares. This whole “working” thing really gets in the way of my sitting-around-and-playing-with-Photoshop schedule.

So since I have virtually nothing to offer anymore, how about a look back at some of the most telling Google searches that have brought people to Diminishing Returns in the past month:

celebrity pit stains - Obviously. DR is proud to be the World Wide Web’s one-stop source for all you need to know on celebrity pit stains.

shake shack - Huzzah! Jackpot!

wendy’s claim open late - I agree. I’ve serached something like this before, too. Wendy’s is NOT open late in all regions of America, particularly that big “middle” one. Come on, Dave. Rise up from the grave and get on that.

oriental chicken salad rollup - Yes. Because when I’m cravin’ an Oriental Chicken Salad Rollup, the first thing I do is look it up online.

“me in a skirt” - Not cool. So not cool.

bud light message in a bottle - Exsqueeze me? Baking powder? Bottles of Bud Light don’t contain messages, subliminal or otherwise. They leave that to their subway ad panels.

urban outfitters stress pillow - Oh god. This one’s just embarrassing. How could I willingly associate myself with Urban Outfitters?

jackson’s fruit stand new buffalo mi - Totally. Considering no one there has probably ever used a computer, I might as well be their default homepage.

you look like such a snob - Yeah? Well, so do you.

ipods should be outlawed - Yeah, man. You said it!

Sadly for me, I didn’t make any of these up. I’m pretty sure the gem here is “you look like such a snob,” because if someone was to click on my site from that search, they’d see the top photo of me looking bitchily [that’s a new word] at the text to the right and be like “Yes, she does.” Then they’d see the words “School Supplies” emblazoned on pens and be like “Huh? Loser.”

They just don’t get it. Annie, nobody does.

Speaking of unattractive thongs on unattractive women peeking out of unattractive jeans (UTOUWPOOUJ), DR presents:

DR is ashamed that it didn’t bother covering other unattractive ass trends, such as the exposed crack (EC). The question is, is the exposed crack nastier than the exposed thong? DR is going to vote Yes. If that area is going to present itself in public, even the slightest bit of lacy, or racy, material would really help. But not enough.

The guy on the left is carefully avoiding looking directly at the EC, but you can totally tell that he just did. Also, the woman in the strange green dress is laughing with her date about the EC. And the shiny-sneakered dude against the wall is pointing it out to his friend. I hope she likes all that attention!

Was I the only one who, for like the first few years of hearing the word “euthanasia,” thought people were saying “youth in Asia”?

I think I need to start putting fast food ads on my site. Not only will they be great to look at, but newcomers to the site will think I have major sponsors and therefore get tons of daily hits and must be actually important, not just self-important. Then the fast food companies will track their referring links and offer me money for the ads, and I’ll ask to be paid in gift certificates. Just an idea.

Tomorrow marks my first official full-time job that I’ll actually be interested in. Past employment gigs of mine (read: TEMPING) have included making sure visitors to a valve factory in Melrose Park, IL put on their safety goggles before entering “the plant.” I spent another summer “tweaking” foreign IT workers’ resumes into Tekmark Global Solutions’ official format (in other words, translating them into English). There was a Quizno’s across the street.

Worse than actually sitting at these jobs eight hours a day was having to answer the phone: “Good morning, Henry Valve” and “Good afternoon, Tekmark Global Solutions.” Believe it or not, I actually had to write that second one out for a few days. It probably wasn’t so much that the text was difficult. I was just in disbelief that that was the company’s name and that I was supposed to say it.

Sometimes the phone would ring and I’d literally have to stare at my post-it and practice the phrase before picking up. And sometimes I started laughing after the trial run. Seriously. I’d answer the phone saying “Tekmark Global Solutions” followed by a giggle.

I think that must have been somewhat on purpose. I might have figured that if I appeared to be lighthearted about having to say that name, maybe the callers would “be on my side” or something… and not make fun of me on the other end of the line for saying those three words together and in that order.

But that makes no sense. The people obviously knew who they were calling. Most of them were the job-seeking foreign IT workers themselves, and my giggling probably confused the hell out of them. The others were from Tekmark Global Solutions’ headquarters in Edison, NJ. What did I think, that one of those times, someone would notice my sarcastic twang and suddenly commiserate with me: “Oh, I know, I think it’s such a ridiculous name, too!”

No. Turns out my laughing benefitted no one. This is why I was ultimately not Tekmark Global Material. (Even though when I left, they gave me a forest green company polo.)

Although — one time, I came really close. I thought I had really clicked with one of those corporate schmucks because right after I answered, a concerned-sounding man said, “Yes, hello. I seem to have a major global problem.” Ha! He was being facetious! I rejoiced, and blurted out “Well, sir, we’ve got your global solution right here!” Turns out the caller was my dad, who phoned at least twice per morning to hear me say “Tekmark Global Solutions” and then make fun of me. Awesome.

In conclusion, don’t mock the company if you have to answer the phone. But if your dad calls to mock of the company, totally do it and talk loud enough for the guy down the hall to hear you and then have to send you out to retrieve him and his fat gut an Italian Beef sandwich “as punishment” but it won’t really be because you’ll get yourself a pizza puff!