I know I just wrote a whole expose on why LC is evil, but how fitting would it be for me to try to trash a swimming pool concession stand in a drunken rage? I’d get to be covered in chips and LC (which would taste relatively acceptable if I was hammered enough) and I’d also get to exact revenge on the concept of LC itself. It’s like a win-win for everyone except the LC.

What I don’t get is how they calculated that this guy spent $40 on chips and $7 on the LC. Did they have some sort of nachos expert on hand that night? I don’t live in Tennessee so it couldn’t have been me. Was someone called up to do a quick once-over of the chips-and-LC-covered guy and assess the monetary damages done simply based on the amount and thickness of the layers? What a great job!

If the cheese was actually the good, real, melted kind, I could see throwing in some chili, tomatoes, guac, etc. and just snacking off of the guy’s passed-out carcass until either things got too revealing or he woke up. Just watch: some concept artist is going to become famous by layering like 27 tiers of quality nacho fixings all over a naked body. (’Nude’ or ‘naked’? What’s the difference? Like, omigod, I don’t care!) It would be called “Guac This Way,” which is both an invitation to wander towards the exhibit and a compelling argument for the worthiness of guacamole. People would “guac by” in the museum and be intrigued, sexually aroused, and pretty much whacked in the face by a sudden incredible urge to eat nachos. But they couldn’t, because I would have been hired to sit inside the ropes and “work on the installation.” They’d have hired someone else to keep refilling my three perpetually frothy mugs of Sierra Nevada on tap, Dew, and ice water. After I’d have eaten my weight in nachos, I could become the model and whoever had written the best 300-word essay and dropped it into the “That hungry, tall, striking but getting kind of fat blonde beauty could be YOU!” contest box would get to resume the effort.