I have a confession to make.

In the past few weeks I have watched ENTIRE EPISODES of Dr. Phil. It’s after The Ellen Show on WLNY (TV-55!) on weekdays right before I have to shower for my “job.” I used to turn it off in sheer disgust - I hate Dr. Phil’s voice, his fucking shiny scalp, and the way his eyes bug out whether he’s surprised or not (considering his guests on the show he might legitimately be perma-surprised. Or maybe he’s had Botox.)

I’m pretty sure the reason I actually started staying tuned to this crap show is because the people are so royally, yet REALISTICALLY, fucked up. The trashy people on Springer or Montel, I don’t even really buy their problems. I assume they just want a free overnight stay in a hotel and the chance to be on television. But Dr. Phil’s “patients” are seriously pathetic. You almost feel for them.

Another reason for my unforgivable viewing of this show is that I have magical powers of convincing myself that any of these people’s situations could be my own someday. One mother lives in fear of her knife-wielding, hyper-violent four-year-old son. Another couple have “come to terms” with the fact that one of them is gay and now don’t know what to do. One part of me is thinking, “Shit. I’m very drawn to gay people, and I’m terrified of children. This is totally gonna be me.” The other part is all, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? MORONS! And yet they’re so normal-looking that you can’t blame them. How did that happen to such nice poeple? I don’t know so I better stay tuned and find out what Dr. Phil says so that I can avoid and possibly even prevent gay husbands and killer tots in the future! Shit.

The woman on the show right now (three-time adulterer, pregnant with another man’s baby) looks exactly like Linda Cardellini. It’s a little off-putting because I’m positive I hate this woman, but I really like Linda Cardellini. Dr. Phil, help me figure out what to think!