Thanks, sis! Meg and Dee went to Art Chicago last week and sent me some digital missives of the complex carbohydrates they thought would really REACH me.

“Heyyyy! Welcome to DR!”

Ugh. I miss Steak ‘n’ Shake.

Life’s eternal questions, embodied just as they should be in Wonka-bar form.

Here’s a still life featuring butter (a.k.a. my life).

These cupcakes actually do look dangerous. Did the icing factory run out of color OR WHAT?

Says Meg: “yes - those balloons are attached to that girls hair… hehe”

Dee Barrett, who was consulted for permission to post these photos merely as a courtesy (because I was going to post them anyway), gave the OK:

NO PROBLEMS HERE.

And in the spirit of indulgence….indulge me and watch these!

May 2, 2008 — ‘DWTS Talk’: Bye bye, Shannequin
May 5, 2008 — ‘Survivor Talk’ cameo! I’m a medic. Of course.

But boy oh boy can I talk or what? So OMG PLEASE CONTINUE TO WATCH THESE EW.COM VIDEOS. Lots of new ones are up on the most self-centered web page ever — DWTS Talk, Idolatry, and me interviewing cubicle stud Maksim Chmerkovskiy again. He keeps it real, unlike Snuffy.

But…Friend of DR Ben LaBolt has me beat because Katie Couric interviewed HIM. (at 03:25) [CBS.com]

The Chmerkovisionary awards my horrible freestyle rap about sequins and fringe A PERFECT 10. Of course he does!

[DWTS Talk, week 3]

And now for a rare glimpse at what I do all day at the office… EW.com’s ‘America’s Next Top Doll’ video series. WHO! Will be eliminated tonight?

Not an Onion headline today, but should be.
[‘DWTS Talk’ on EW.com]

Above, Dancing With the Stars badass Maksim Chmerkovskiy is informing me that my cubicle is a mess. His fingers are so lightning-fast that they’re blurry. YES.

Video 1: Why he’s not doing season 6
Video 2: Maks’ favorite season 5 dances with Mel B
Video 3: Why women have no chance of winning DWTS

I’ll be doing a weekly video (woefully sans Maksim) about Dancing With the Stars, on EW.com. Just me running my mouth. It’ll be a disaster! In other words, totally watch it! But Maksim will be back every so often.

Bangs on film! DIGITAL film. Here we go.

Idolatry on EW.com, part 1.

Part 2, featuring a “100% Pure Love” breakdown 

Official DR endorsement! (With his, comes mine.)

I also thought that this new and very much improved campaign poster would look great with DR’s illustrious color scheme. Was I right or was I right? Pound!

Two of the new American Gladiators, Crush and Wolf, dropped by my ever-festive cubicle to share powerful secrets of gladiating with me and Slezak. Here’s Part 1 of what’s sure to be a truly enlightening series. My fave part is when I blurt out “Gassy!” Awkward…

Update: Here’s Part 2. We talk “style,” and Wolf compliments the tropical fish spandex leggings from the ’80s (Dee Barrett Original Flavored) that I am obviously wearing in these videos.

Michael Slezak (google alert!) is not havin’ it with my awesome pants in this frame.

Okay, here’s the best one, Part 3. Ridiculous challenges include catching candy in our moths, fielding a publicist’s phone call, and flying paper airplanes.

Oh, and I totally have a crush on Crush.

Check out these “sizzling” behind-the-scenes videos of Conan O’Brien’s EW cover shoot.

Part 1: Conan’s Strike Tips
Part 2: Conan vs. Chimp
Part 3: Conan’s beard is so hot right now

I went to interview Conan O’Brien (and a chimp) two weeks ago on the set of his Entertainment Weekly photo shoot. It took place at what he called a “seedy warehouse” but was in reality a studio in Chelsea. I played with a chimp named Louie, watched Conan “show me fierce” (rest assured he is still in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Model), and interviewed him — mostly about his gorgeous strike facial hair. It was by far the most awesome thing I’ve done for work… no, actually, in general. It’s all downhill from here, Purple Shirt!

The chimp, honestly, I could give or take. I was astonished to see myself kiss the chimp on the mouth (ewwwww.com) in Part 2 because I don’t remember doing that. I must have blacked out due to my irrational fear of animals.

Bearded wonder Conan O’Brien, though, I absolutely loved. He was so friendly, laid-back, and just effortlessly funny the whole time. I didn’t even want to talk during the interview because I knew everything he said would be funny and was afraid of cutting him off.

Before the cameras rolled he was jokingly complaining that his parents consider his brother the successful one because his brother’s a lawyer, while Conan just has this joke job in “entertainment.” I was like “Yeah, look at what you do…despicable.”

Conan O’Brien! I’m sitting next to him! What the hay-ul?

It was a gift. It’s supposed to be a cursor, of the computer/mouse variety. Funny! But originally I thought it was, like, a comment on my self-centeredness. Like this person assumed I’d want to walk around with an arrow directing people to focus more of their attention than usual to my Self. (Which is kind of the point of walking around ANYWAY.) The fact that I “went there” right away only proves what an asshole I am. Hooray! A sampling from my coworkers’ reactions:

“I’m not feelin’ it.”

“Hahahaha! I think it totally suits you.”

“That looks like some crap trinket a publicist sent us.”

So?

‘Cause that happened last night, and I’ve been sneezing all day. That’s probably not how allergies work, huh.

More on this later. It involved Conan O’Brien.

If I believed in New Year’s Resolutions, mine would be to somehow look that awesome (see above) all year. That’s a relic from August ‘07. My friends — The Team — and I were in Michigan for New Buffalo’s illustrious Ship ‘n’ Shore Festival (holla!). A somewhat drunken but TOTALLY CHILL dance party to a playlist I’d created called “It Couldn’t Be Lamer: Dance Hits from the Mid-to-Late ’90s” ensued. We’d already eaten our weight in cheeseburgers, but dancing is tough, and being the motherly provider I am, I decided to root around in the laundry room fridge for something — anything — to replenish our calorie count. By some miraculous intervention a.k.a. “Dee Barrett being awesome,” there happened to be a spare cherry pie just sitting in there on a dish towel. Heavens!

Anyway, I could never do it on this blog because my name’s all the F over it and I would never want people to think I’m even slightly self-absorbed (ha!), but I kind of want someone to do a “Looking Great in ‘08″ series. It’d just be a pic of that person every day and then she’d scathingly critique her own appearance because half the time she’d be unshowered in a college hoodie. It’s only January 2nd and therefore still doable. She’d just have to fake a photo and say it happened yesterday. Maybe I should start an anonymous blog and just go for it. Hmm. Look for this anonymous blog around May when PopWatch mysteriously links to it. You think I’m kidding.

Could I look anymore obnoxious? (Probably!)

Watch the video.

I love this: Recently, people have found this website by googling “Liz Lemon Half Eaten Lunch.” Why wouldn’t they do that? This framed photograph hanging in Tina Fey’s office on 30 Rock is one of my favorite things about the show, which means it’s a very big deal. The giant eating utensils on a different (or maybe the same) wall are also awesome. So was this episode.

Anyway, I’m making it easier: You can buy Liz Lemon’s amazing office portrait featuring fried chicken, fries haphazardly glazed with ketchup, and some unidentified yellow sauce (yum) for the meager price of $600. It’s part of EW’s holiday gift guide for TV addicts, found here. Happy shopping — you have about an hour and a half left!

(Is everyone enjoying my horrible Photoshopping effort involving a yellow-to-red gradient intended to subliminally signify shitty fast food?)

Mandi Bierly and I covered a preview performance of The Little Mermaid on Broadway. It was my first Broadway show. How sad is that! Here’s our PopWatch post.

To mentally prepare for this spectacle, I went around the office all day singing “Under the Sea”. It’s pretty alarming that I could never imitate any sort of accent (like during my six years of French classes — I gave up trying after 7th grade) and yet I can perfectly mimic a vaguely Jamaican-sounding animated crab from 1989. Supersmart!

My Aunt Elly apparently saves everything, and this Thanksgiving she festively decorated her bathroom wall with this fictional menu I wrote as a child. (Who does that? And who is Golda?) No date on it, but I’m guessing I was around 7? I’m hoping? God, what if I was 17?

Allow me to count down a few highlights — sort of a Take 5 without those annoying audio/visual elements, if you will…

5. Jinjre Ale as a featured “Bevrage” Was this like a ganja-fied version of ginger ale? Sidenote: I’m completely impressed with my affiliation with Pepsi products instead of Coke at such a tender age.

4. Get the full slab! It’s cheaper! I love how it was important enough to me that my fictional customers might want to take advantage of a great deal on BBQ, should one be offered. Six bucks for a full slab, wow. It certainly was the ’80s! And Golda’s Cafe certainly must have been adjacent to a truck stop on a central Indiana highway, even though we lived in Illinois.

3. Pizza Plate (5 squares) Continuing with the low-class theme, it’s clear that I was tailoring this dream menu to be as close to my childlike tastes as possible. The insistence on “squares” suggests that the greatest type of pizza I knew of at the time came frozen and developed into its most gourmet state via a magical microwave. Sadly (although I’m pretty fine with it), these are still my tastes. I’d eat lunch every day at Golda’s Cafe if I could. Is there one in midtown?

2. “Five Hidden Cherries!” OMG so fun!!! But who exactly was doing the hiding? I’m almost certain it would have been me. Or maybe this “Golda,” but something tells me she wouldn’t have had very clean hands. Plus she never wore her hairnet. You just know it.

1. Becks Thanks to Barnacle Bill Barrett, probably the only name-brand beer I knew of besides Heineken. And there’s no way I was spelling that.

The guy with his arm on fire is my lifelong neighbor and new hero, Sean Gallagher! Apparently he was plucked from an audition line for some other job, by a Taco Bell rep who admired his significant ‘fro. Who wouldn’t?

I have to pause and just take it in. Sean is in a TACO BELL COMMERCIAL.

Remember last week when I was thrilled as all hell that the media covered my friend Ben’s walk-thru at McDonald’s? Well, I love Taco Bell even more than McDonald’s. I know, it’s crazy. This is an amazing day for me. My circle of aquaintances is a blooming cornucopia of professional-ish associations with fast food!

Speaking of which, I love how it says “Professional. Do not attempt,” as if Sean belongs to the pyromanics’ union and truly knows his way around fire.