That's What You Think: BC's StalkerNet

Published 09.11.01 in The Heights, Boston College


By Annie Barrett

The English language doesn’t recognize it. Neither does anyone outside the BC bubble. It’s a term. It’s a joke. It’s a way of life.

StalkerNet. Its mere mention causes a rush of both excitement and, more visibly, shame. We all do it and we all do it excessively. We are a student body already characterized by good looks, free time, and the technological capacity to conduct our entire lives from computers. It should come as no surprise that StalkerNet is becoming one of our most treasured pasttimes.

For those of you out of the loop – namely, freshmen – “StalkerNet” is the shameless euphemism applied to the process of logging on to Agora, racing your way to “Directory Search” and pulling up the picture of the PS (Person Stalked) of your choice.

The actual practice seems normal enough. BC offers the service, so we use it. But over time, as you “Agoracize” people more and more often, the whole process just becomes really shady, almost dirty.

But StalkerNet is too convenient – and entertaining – to not take advantage of at least 15 times per day. Sometimes, you just really need a face to put with a name. And a campus address. And a Web address. And a home phone number.

In fact, in a formal survey conducted by the TWYT Research Department, “instant access to StalkerNet” was among the three top things missed about being on campus. “Hot water” and “no mice” were the other leading responses.

When people are talking about other people and one party has never seen a mentioned party, the mentioned party instantly becomes the designated PS. All eyes in the room meet in one mischievous, knowing glance, and everyone states in perfect unison: “StalkerNet.”

Group stalks can be particularly intense, as everyone involved will add some derogatory comment about some facial feature that you never would have caught yourself.

Stalking solo can be much more useful. There is ample time for deep reflection, and, left alone, you are able to estimate the PS’ entire life situation just by peering at his or her face.

If someone walks in on you mid-stalk, he or she can totally tell. Your face becomes red, you look like a complete deviant and you quickly close the “Personal Presence” box glaring on your screen.

Wait, no. You’d just minimize the box. Closing it altogether would just be irrational.

“Ha, ha! StalkerNet! Who, who, who?” You creep!

“Uhhh … this kid in my class. I missed the assignment.” Come on, everyone does it. Get over yourself.

There is a multitude of reasons to Agoracize someone:

1.You think he/she is hot.
2.Your friend says he/she is hot.
3.You woke up in his/her bed.
4.He/she has a killer personality.

Yeah, right. Anyway.

Sometimes, the PS will have “no photo on file” or just no photo, ever. This practice should be immediately outlawed. Either the PS chooses to keep his or her dazzling appearance an enigma, or there’s no photo there for a reason. Disappointed stalkers will then resort to using the freshman face book and laughing at the PS because he or she, in true high school portrait fashion, is peeking out from behind apple trees.

Web administrators should just go ahead and change the misnomer “BC Directory Search” to “StalkerNet,” like, today. The latest breakdown of directory services tallied the following results: Legitimate searches: seven percent; stalks: 93 percent.

So, why not make “BC Directory Search” more conducive to us, the stalkers? The system should provide a full-length view of the PS, posing casually near a campus landmark. If this proves popular, a virtual slideshow in PowerPoint format of the PS throughout the day could work, too. Eventually we’ll all have Webcams in our rooms to fully maximize the StalkerNet experience.

Also mandatory for StalkerNet should be the PS’ class schedule (so you can “coincidentally” bump into them during the week) and weekend plans (ditto).

I realize I sound like the creepiest person on campus – and maybe I am – but probably not. You stalk, too.

Sometimes it’s a regular thing – you have someone you look up on StalkerNet all the time, so each time you do it, it’s just because it’s been a few days since the last stalk. Or hours.

Or you stalk because you have absolutely nothing better to do. This is fun, until it hits you that you don’t even have anyone to stalk. So you just type in your favorite last names. And when that gets boring, you make up your own last names.

Or maybe it’s just me. God, I hope not.

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