That's What You Think: Embrace the Mayo

Published 04.10.01 in The Heights, Boston College


By Annie Barrett

I’ve been itching to get this out for a while.

Mayonnaise is wonderful. It tastes great. It’s a major asset to any sandwich, or to fries, if you’re going for that pseudo-European or “Matthew Perry in The Whole Nine Yards” look. You probably aren’t, though. Good choice.

Does anyone else agree with me, or are you all too afraid to admit it?

It seems like mayo is taboo on campus – you know, almost ranking up there with consuming regular salad dressing or wearing crappy T-shirts and sneakers to go out on weekends (both of which appeal to me as much, if not more, than eating mayonnaise).

Sometimes, when I squirt the condemnable condiment onto a sub, some people actually act offended. Their mayonnaise disgust might even extend to an intense personal dislike. Even if someone has never met me, if he or she is a No-Mayo Advocate (NMA), I have a pretty decent chance of being held in NMA contempt.


NMA: Oh, nice to meet you.

Annie: (rips open a mayonnaise packet with teeth like animal, plasters contents inside sandwich and voraciously devours large chunk of food)

NMA: Oh. Too bad she did that. Later.


The NMA contempt won’t last forever, though. Pretty soon, they’ll forget what I look like. Then I can creep them out all over again with some more mayonnaise activities.

The above is a great example of my “live on the edge” life policy. I’ll show them.

Once, I even reached new levels of mayonnaise absurdity by attempting the one hand mayo application/other hand drinking process for the benefit of the NMAs.

I’m through with that. That was bogus. Next time I get a huge sandwich, which has probably already happened at least 22 times, depending on when you pick up the paper, I’m just going all out.

Upon extensive research, BC has proven to be a non-mayo-friendly campus. Obviously, the administration is choosing to ignore those clutch situations when you just gotta have some mayonnaise.

Once, the mayonnaise option was completely absent from McElroy, which might have marked the low point of TWYT’s thorough investigation.

But the absolute worst mayonnaise experience occurred at Lower (Live!) during the dinner hour. No handy, inconspicuous packets were available, so in order to facilitate the glorious mayonnaise experience, TWYT had to spoon the fat – with an oversized spatula – into an unnecessarily large bowl.

This was slightly traumatic. I didn’t even take a packet’s worth, let alone many packets’ worth that would necessitate an entire bowl.

So, when I finally sat down, the mayonnaise was just sitting there in the bowl, still jiggling some from the turbulent trek to the table. It looked so helpless and exposed, not to mention lonely. Friends who sat out of its viewing range looked over, asking, “What’d you get? Soup?” No. It’s not soup. I got an entire bowl of mayonnaise and now I’m going to eat it.

The following conversation ensued, with, ironically, a No-Mayo Advocate.


Annie: Mmmm, mayonnaise. Seriously, yum.

NMA: Ewww. Does she have any idea what constitutes mayonnaise?

Annie: Whatever, dude. I know exactly what constitutes mayonnaise. It’s just a bunch of fat. It’s also just damn good.

NMA: That’s such a waste of fat. I secretly really love mayonnaise.

Annie: Yeah! Yeah!

NMA: Well, all right then. What would happen if I just grabbed that big sub away from her and ate it myself?

Annie: That’s right. Don’t even think about it.


The thing is, I also absolutely hate mayonnaise. It’s disgusting. It’s a week’s worth of lard wrapped up into a seemingly benign, thin layer of off-whiteness. Its mere presence on the table can turn a potentially healthful meal into a full-fledged fat fest. I have trouble watching the stuff mid-smear; its somewhat foul smell also doesn’t help things.

But aren’t most “you/ anything else” associations equally as paradoxical? Love-hate relationships are inevitable – and often quite necessary. They occur with our classes, our acquaintances, Survivor and Newton Campus. I love and hate to run, for example.

But let’s not take my relationship with running to the same level as my affinity for mayonnaise. I wouldn’t go so far as to train for a marathon; whereas I’d do just about anything mayonnaise wanted me to, provided it asked nicely.

You just have to pick what really matters. That’s What You Think, as usual, is committed to highlighting only the most important things in life.
So go out there, grab some packets, and go nuts. You too can “show them” and “live on the edge.”

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