That's What You Think: The Door-Hold Episodes

Published 02.06.01 in The Heights, Boston College


By Annie Barrett

After a recent suggestion from a concerned Heights staff mate to ditch the Snood and “start interacting with humans again,” I will today focus on one of the most important aspects of Boston College life. In that serious spirit, TWYT presents The Door-Hold (DH) Episodes.

Now, in general, the BC community is very good at holding doors for each other. Sometimes, though, perfection goes awry. Exceptions to the “very good” rule are outlined below.


The Sweeping Flourish DH

This occurs when the whole male chivalry thing is taken a bit too far. A well-meaning lad will notice you approaching a closed door alone (imagine that), freak out and race in front of you to open it dramatically, in a smooth, fluid motion. He probably thinks you’re cute. Or maybe he thinks such of the girl behind you and just wants to get a head start, which is usually the case with me. This dude hopes you remember his face and would be happy to give you his number.

After such a grand production, you feel it’s your duty to react in the same excessive manner. You return his seductive smirk with an adoring gaze, hoping he doesn’t take you seriously.

“Ah, such a gentleman!” Help!

“My pleasure.” That’s it? She’s just going to keep walking?

Yep.


The Flailing Tap DH

Sometimes, as you are nearing a closing door, the party who has already had the privilege of passing through the doorway will glance back, notice you, and realize he or she should probably attempt some sort of save. This party then lurches backward in a flailing fashion and loses his or her balance to such a degree that only a small nudge, or “tap" of the door is executed.

So, even if the door slams in your face, this lucky inside-the-door party manages to look like the selfless hero. You end up saying “thank you” even though this joker’s flailing tap made your door situation even worse than if you (gasp!) had to open the door entirely by yourself.

In any DH situation, not saying thank you is almost worse than not holding doors at all. It’s like when Seinfeld cries out “Hey! Where’s my thank you wave?” while driving, only without the “wave” and while in a doorway, not a car. So it’s actually not like that at all.


The Repeat DH

One of the most common DHs on campus, this occurs when one is faced with two or more sets of doors. The person in front keeps opening doors, and thus becomes a bigger and better human being each time.

(Door held open) “Thank you.” Oh no, there’s another door.

“Sure.” All right, another door! I am a magnanimous individual.

(Door 2 held open) Wait, I can’t say, “thank you” again. I’ll be creative. “Thanks.”

I can’t say “sure” again. I’ll be cool. “No problem-o.” Doh!

Revelation: It would be really scary to have a nightmare in which there was an endless series of doors and you were the person in back. That’s probably what it’s like in the transition stages between the circles of hell.


The Joint Effort DH

Miscommunication often occurs during potentially successful DHs. This is one of the true shames of this world. Sometimes, you and another person will both reach for the same door, or perhaps you’ll be entering and another will be exiting the same door. The following interaction could signify either situation:

“You first.” Go.

“No, you.” Go.

“Seriously, it’s all you.” If you don’t move right now, I’m going to.

“No really, go for it.” Why won’t you MOVE?

That’s it. I’m going

Screw this. I’m going.

(crash)

The Elevator “I swear I can’t see you” DH

No one can deny having done this at least once, except me, as I am of purely angelic nature. You know the drill. You’re safely inside your elevator and, as the doors are narrowing, notice a struggler hustling to catch the ride. Waiting for him would take at least four valuable seconds out of your day, so you carefully avoid eye contact and pretend you can’t hear the struggler’s “Oh, can you hold that?” yelp.

That back wall just became very interesting. You might even pretend to lunge for the “Door Open” button, just for effect. As the doors clink together, you giggle to yourself, proud of your powers of deception.

Uh, for someone who’s “never done that,” she described it pretty well…

Right. Anyway.


So, after running through all these possible “wrong” ways to handle the door-holding situation, what’s the “right” way to go about the procedure?

That’s a pretty good question. I don’t know.

This column was so pointless. Why did I waste my time?

TWYT isn’t here to provide solutions. In fact, as is clearly shown here, its author gets a large kick out of life’s idiosyncrasies. We just tell it like it is.

Whatever. You know, you wouldn’t think the door-holding issue qualifies as “newsworthy”…

Oh, yeah? That’s what you think!

Next TWYT: Eating Awareness