That's What You Think: Swabbing is So Sweet

Published 10.29.02 in The Heights, Boston College


By Annie Barrett

It's time we openly admitted how much we love cleaning our ears.

I know, I know, "that's gross." But I don't want to hear it. You love it. You want to do it right now. You want to stick that innocent, pristine, white cotton into your raunchy ear and twist. Think about how amazing that would feel.

There's a certain euphoria involved in ear cleaning. You know you're not supposed to do it. Your first grade science teacher said, "You can put things into your ear but only if they're bigger than your fist" and that confused you because your parents did it all the time. In front of you.

But at college, it's suddenly not okay to walk around with a Q-Tip slowly churning your intense ear wax, your eyes half-closed in guilty ecstasy. Sometimes people catch you while you sneak a swab and act horrified, even though they're actually just jealous.


Innocent roommate: (knocks on door) Hey, you decent?

Q-Tip user: Uh … Oh, no. She's going to see my ear cleaning. But I can't stop!

IR: (looks away, ashamed) Oh my god, gross. Oh my god, I wonder if she has another one.


In a perfect society, ear cleaning wouldn't be such an issue. It'd become cool to carry around extra Q-Tips, in a special pouch in your bag or behind your ears like cigarettes. Everyone would "go out to the porch for a Q-Tip" during parties and compare the resulting swab colors.

That's another thing. Even though you love Q-Tipping so much, you can't do it too often because the truly enjoyable Q-Tip experiences only occur after the wax has had a chance to fester awhile. You can get away with doing it every morning, but it's just not as thrilling if the thing doesn't come out bright orange.

Some argue for post-shower Q-Tipping, as it heightens your sense of self-purification. But TWYT advocates Q-Tipping right after rolling out of bed. The stench and filth combination can really wake you up.

The best time to use a Q-Tip is on vacation, after at least five days, because you forgot to pack some. You curse yourself for your hygienic neglect but derive sick pleasure from anticipating how much nastier your next Q-Tip will be.

When you have a particularly pungent swab, you never just throw it away. You study it in bewildered disgust, sometimes disappointment. It's the same inexplicable habit as studying used tissues after nose blowing. The worse your cold is or the longer you've gone without Q-Tipping, the more you desperately need to examine exactly what has come out of you.

I have to confess. This brilliant ear-cleaning opus came not without inspiration. An ad for Audibel, a hearing care center, features the image to your right.

I don’t even know how to respond to this. Bascially, I just had to put it in The Heights while I still have the chance. What must people with real hearing problems think of this? Wow, Audibel is clearly willing to go to extreme measures to fix my ears, and look how small their doctors are! I’m sold.

Oh weird, I got off track.

Next TWYT: Happy Hour