That's What You Think:
Toilet paper rolls with the punches

Published 10.29.02 in The Heights, Boston College


By Annie Barrett

In keeping with this column's tradition of discussing only the most pressing issues on campus, this week's installment will focus on the silent yet turbulent Toilet Paper Tension (TPT) that goes on in every suite or apartment.

TPT arises whenever a TP roll expires – so, once a week for guys, three times a day for girls. Due to the basic human instinct to never, ever change the roll yourself and instead leave it for the next person, we all find ourselves high and not so dry on a fairly regular basis.

Girls think they can prevent TPT by stacking between one and 30 extra TP rolls in the vicinity of the toilet. Despite this noble gesture, no one can bring herself to change the empty roll on the roll holder. Someone starts a fresh roll from the toilet top, assuming that this is just as good and the next person will change it herself if she really wants to.

An extreme version of this practice is to leave only one or two "layers" of TP on the roll that's actually on the holder. By taking TP from the toilet-top supply and not the dwindling roll to your left, you are freed of roll-changing responsibilities. You think you're being generous by technically not using up the roll, but really you're upping the potential for TPT.

The tension eventually gets to the point where everyone in the suite is absolutely seething because no one has changed the near-empty roll for five days. You walk around speaking normally but with deadly undertones.

Guilty roommate: "Hey, what's up? I just baked you this chocolate cake from scratch because I thought you might be hungry." Now would you change the toilet paper?

Another guilty roommate: "Yeah, I'm not hungry." That wench. She thinks she can buy me with desserts and she's right. But I'm still not changing it.

Another guilty roommate sulking in bed: I hate you both. Why are you talking? Change the roll, now. I have to pee.

Guys probably don't do that. I just have a feeling.

Both guys and girls go that extra step of mild-generosity-without-major-effort and employ the "new roll on top of empty roll" trick. This phenomenon is innate and occurs in every household worldwide. There are a few weird people who might not have received the TP Laziness gene, but they represent 1 percent of society and are generally distrusted as heathens.

Plus, when you change the roll once, you'll be expected to do it all the time, much like the dishes, the trash, and the placing of newspaper over Diet Pepsi/Mac 'n' Cheese spills and leaving it there indefinitely. One person in each apartment or suite usually acquires all of these responsibilities due to an extremely weak personality and just an inkling of desire for cleanliness. He or she consequently hates all roommates within 6-8 weeks post-arrival to campus.

As usual, TWYT refuses to go the extra 1/100th of a mile and offer a solution to the problems presented. But TPT awareness can be the first step in improving its consequences. Once TPT is overcome, roommates can go back to resenting each other for more important issues, like who smelled up the bathroom and forgot to light the magic bathroom candle when finished.

Next TWYT: Q-tipping