That's What You Think:
The Art of the Away Message

Published 10.08.02 in The Heights, Boston College


By Annie Barrett

AOL Instant Messenger's away message (AM) is usually our greatest indication of what everyone else we know is doing at any second. Think about it. You probably have one up right now. It says something brilliant, like "At class" or "Tuesdays are my longest day EVER! Yuck!" And people have been checking it all day.

One of the best ways to waste time at college is to right-click on every single buddy's name, scoping out what they're doing … or at least what they want you to think they're doing.

This process usually takes about two hours because in order to feel better about yourself, you've amassed a buddy list of roughly 300. Most are losers from high school you haven't spoken to in years. Some are your mortal enemies whose names you just can't take off – you can read their AMs, so you feel like you're "winning." A few are BC students you don't know, but your friends do. When you finally meet them, you'll spout out a quote from their AM "by accident" and then fall madly in love with each other because you're just so similar.

Just as Plato thought of art as "thrice removed from reality," think of the AM as two steps away from what people really mean. Let's look at some sample AMs, what people want them to mean, and then what they really mean.

"Reading"– I'm a great student. Check me out. This is dull as hell. Please IM me right now.

"in the shower" – I've got places to be and people to see, no time for punctuation man, I gotta shower! I want everyone who reads this to imagine me naked and steaming.

"Out" – You know, partying hard, drinkin', getting my game on. Did I mention I was drinking? Because I am. A lot. Look, everyone! I'm out! Not at my computer! I'm not a loser like you thought! Please understand that I'm drinking!

"Celebrate we will, for life is short but sweet for certain." Yeah, life! Live it to its fullest, guys! I can't believe I just wrote that. But hey, it seems safe. Maybe some other people know that song, too.

"[Any other song quote]" – I listen to this weird band so I'm cool. I hope people think I listen to that band and think I'm cool, but not weird or anything.

"jus' chillin' in the Mod" – I live in a Mod so I can say 'jus' chillin.' Maybe no one will figure out that having a Mod doesn't make me cool.

"Monkeys flyin at my head swirl swirly yellow yeeeeowww" – I abuse substances and everyone should know about it. It would be a lot more accurate if I just wrote "bored."

"I am away from my computer right now" – I'm way too busy and cool to actually put effort into thinking of an away message. I hope everyone else thinks that's as cool as I do.

"I am playing a computer game that takes up the whole screen" – Ha! The other standard-issue AM! I'm so sarcastic and funny. As if I'd actually be playing computer games late on a Thursday night. Seriously. I'm about to beat Evil in Snood.

People who put up inside jokes or an hour-by-hour detail of their entire dull day, as well as those who choose not to ever have their names go gray (that's a whole different column) should all be banned from Instant Messenger, and probably from the Internet altogether.

So what should people put in their AMs? A simple "Stop it" might work, directed at the hundreds of buddies obsessively checking AMs, just like you do. You also could try writing an AM in white text, so that people have to highlight the space to see it. But even then it would probably just say something dumb, like "You have solved the puzzle," or something creepy, like "You have entered a new dimension." Huh?

You can be anyone you want on-line. But if you don't have a cool AM up, you might as well just sign off or – God forbid – remain idle with no AM. It doesn't occur to most people that if they actually were cool, they wouldn't spend all their time on-line, constantly switching the AM so that it's just right.

Check my away message. I dare you. Please, check it … and decide that I'm cool.

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