That's What You Think: The Door-Swipe Process

Published 09.24.02 in The Heights, Boston College


By Annie Barrett

According to TWYT’s Awkward Moments Team, 15 percent of the campus’ most awkward moments occur during the dreaded Door Swipe Process (DSP). That doesn’t seem like a high percentage, but factor in spilling drinks in the register line, entering parties hosted by people you don’t know, and passing your professors during morning walks of shame, and 15 percent solely on DSPs makes more sense.

When you’re by yourself, swiping in is really cool. You have your card (for once), you juggle the books (or plates of to-go food) in one hand and swipe furiously with the other. Click-click! You’ve won! The kingdom is yours.

Everyone who walks by is totally impressed. Wow, she must, like, live in that dorm. And she got in. That’s so cool. Something like that.

But add another person or few into the equation and the DSP becomes utterly painful. Who will swipe? Who will stand there dumbly until she finally gets to say thanks? It’s a wretched routine.

The following is a basic Boston College DSP, outlined in way too excessive detail.

The players: Any two residents of the same dorm. One doesn’t have his card and has been standing there alone, dejected, helpless against the forces of an evil world in which a legitimate cardholder might never come.

Someone else finally does arrive and she, too, doesn’t have her card but does have a lot of pizza. That’s the worst. The two idiots stand there gaping at anything but each other, with nothing to say. Finally he breaks the silence.

“So, forgot your card?” Like, obviously. Why would I ask?

“Uh, yeah.” Like, obviously. Why would you ask?

“I figured.” Shut up. Shut up! “So … do you lose your card a lot?”

“Yeah, I guess.” Why is he asking? How much does he need to know about me? He really could have stopped talking after the first card question.

“So, pizza, huh? That’s a pretty big piece.” Jesus, I can’t stop talking. Now she’ll think I'm calling her fat. Where the hell is my card?

“I think I can handle it.” He thinks I’m fat and shouldn’t eat pizza. Oh yeah? Well watch me, I’m gonna start right now. “Oh, wow. It’s really good, too.” Suckah.

Fortunately, a cardholder enters valiantly, smirking at his good fortune. I am now two peoples’ hero. Bow to me. I carry Eagle-One. He stares at the standers for awhile, torturing them for sport.

Standers: We know, we don’t have our cards. Just let us in.

Swiper: I don’t even like this guy. And she’s not that cute. Why should I swipe them in?

Then there’s the problem of who will actually open the door once it’s swiped: the swiper or the standers? Either way, the swiper will get pissed off. If the swiper opens door, he thinks, I get it – I’m your slave now? Do I have to do everything?

If the male stander opens the door, the swiper’s still pissed. Oh, great effort. You just saved my life, man! Like I couldn’t have done that by myself, too. Female stander is also annoyed: What’s my role here? I’m just the token ornamental female figure who gets the door held open for her, as usual. I hate society.

But if the female stander swoops in and opens the door, it’s even more disastrous. Male stander and swiper stand motionless, staring at each other.

Swiper: If I go through first, does that make me like “the girl?” or something?

Male stander: Dude, go through. You swiped us. You deserve it.

However the DSP turns out, there’s always even more awkwardness when it’s time for the ten obligatory thank-yous. Does the swiper need to thank the door-holder when really he’s the one who saved the day? If one holds the door but didn’t swipe, should he or she give thanks even though the swiping favor is currently being cancelled out by the door hold? Is anyone still reading? If the swiper ends up holding the door, can he ever see the standers as worthwhile humans again?

There’s no space to go into Drunken DSP, Fresh Out of the Plex DSP, the I Seriously Need to Pee DSP, or everyone’s favorite, the I Don’t Live Here, I Just Want to Hook Up Here DSP. That’s probably for the better. Oh, well. Swipe away!

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