12:30 am - I had a feeling this unused photo would come in handy

Congratulations Danielle!

4:30 am - "You have got some magic with that elephant!"

Jay Manuel is killing me, but that doesn't qualify as "news."

Is Jade a hired actress, or just a total idiot? If it's the former, who is writing her lines? And if it's the latter, how the hell did they find her?

 

 

 

 

You don't want to sit next to her. All I smell is just... bitch.
I'm sitting here like, I'm about to regurgitate on somebody's face right now.
"I'll always remember this. Shooting with an elephant. It reminds me of an ancient dinosaur. Cause they are in the dinosaur family.
IS JADE A HIRED ACTRESS OR JUST A TOTAL IDIOT?
I have a stomach condition and it's the worst thing in the world... but I just have to model... through it.

 

 

 

 

3:25 pm - "Do you see the potential?" No, Jade. Shut up.

The message of last night's Payless commercial/episode of America's Next Top Model was pretty simple: If you're black, you have to act extremely "black," and if you're not black, you suck. I don't think that's racist of me to say because in so many words, Jay Manuel said it for me about 30 times. Before Furonda, Danielle, and Nnenna took their turns at krumping for the photo shoot, he was relentless with each of them:

"Please do the black girls proud." --to Furonda
"Oh come on, you're like 'I got a little white girl in me.''' --to Danielle
"I wanna see some of that African stuff!" --to Nnnnnnnennnnna

I'm not offended, just a little confused. If the only goal is to exude blackness, what's he supposed to say to the white girls? "Good luck?" Actually, the funniest were "No, I want you to be in the club" and "Work those Payless shoes. They look cool, they look hip. You're krumpin'." The whiteys likely needed the reminder.

At judging, Tyra called krumping "the new type of dancing that's taking over by storm." Yes, that's exactly what it's doing. Krumping's so huge it doesn't even affect a specific area -- it attacks all air everywhere from a big cloud of precipiation shaped like Madonna's boom box (look left!). Twiggy was all "I've never seen anyone krump before in mi'life!" You could tell all she was thinking about was crumpets that whole time, especially after Tyra and Jay's completely ridiculous demonstration of how to krump. Poor Twiggy.

Tyra's insistence that everyone act black was reinforced by her new nickname for Brooke: La Brooke. See, you can just add a French modifier to any white girl's name and poof! Instant black, instant improvement. At left: Brooke complains that Nnnnennnna should go back to "Aaahhhfrica" (complete with excessive hand gestures) if she thinks it's so great. Somehow I don't think La Brooke's new moniker will amuse her.

Here we go! DR's Top Model Ten

10. This week's challenge, which was to impersonate the people to your right in a "church fashion show" held at a set that sort of resembled a church. The more you whip the extras sitting in the pews in the face with your long, ugly garments, the more points you get!

9. Miss J's reaction to Leslie's horrible spin during judging was to hang his head in disbelief (left). Mine was to gape at the screen in disbelief that Miss J had decided to wear a lilac scrunchie on television.

8. Nigel, regarding one of the girls: "She's just like 'Look at me, I'm pretty.'" Isn't that like... the point of modeling?

7. Glamazon/Volleyball Diva Sara's killer bitch face after Miss J told her to "own" her height during the runway lesson. I sympathize with Sara on this because when you're a female over six feet, the only thing you want to "own" is a pair of jeans long enough that short little twits won't question whether they're the latest capris to come out from the Gap.

6. Leslie hot-tubbing it while topless... and with America's Next Top Best Friend. Gross! I'm still at a loss for why they'd kick off someone who willingly walked around topless the day after she did it for the first time. But whatever.

5. Jay Manuel attempting to rev everyone up on the roof of some warehouse. "Wake up, ladies! We're in the middle of downtown LA!" As my friend TG remarked straightaway, "What's so great about that?" Ha!

4. Twiggy's delighted reaction to Tyra spinning around really slowly "as if I were on a turntable, you know?" Oh right, since that's really common. Twiggy actually uttered the word "Brilliant!" She is completely perfect for this show. I'd like to see Clockwork Orange-like footage of how exactly they brainwashed her.

3. Tyra saying the word "hindrance," finally getting it right on what was probably the tenth take.

2. Joanie sizing up the qualities of Leslie's ass, with La Brooke looking on, trying to figure out a method to become black so that she can win this competition. I just think it's funny that they look like they could be about six years old here, nonchalantly playing in a sandbox or something... except their hands are on their asses and they're judging each other. I guess everyone has to grow up.

1. The woman in the front row, right after Furonda took her turn in the fake-church fashion show, insisting "No! No!" to her friend next to her. I hope leaving this clip in was intentional, but it probably wasn't. I missed it the first time -- luckily my ANTM posse was there to force the rewind. Soooo worth it.

 

Higher than even #1:
DR's future roommate and occasional director of photography Leno appearing in Nicole's "My Life as a Cover Girl" spot. Yay!

8:30 am - Mollie Sue was way too good for this show

The poor little pixie from Florida (left, hearted) got sent home due to "lack of personality," which in Top Model speak means that Mollie Sue had the coolest, most understated personality in the house, and therefore had to leave. She never met her obnoxiousness quota or something. But eff that. This girl deserves better than posing disinterestedly with Molly Sims at Bally.

(If you're not an expert at squinting, Brooke really is saying to the girl next to her, "I don't know how to rhyme. I can't do it." The gratuitous subtitles are always a must for quotes as all-encompassing as this one, which tells you basically everything you need to know about Top Model if you've never seen it.

There's something else you'd need to know, above all else, and it's this. Tyra Banks is fucking evil. Roll your mouse over the image at right (of Tyra dressed as The Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe. Yes really) for a better visual, brought to you by Annie's mediocre Photoshop skills and someone else's graphic of a Pez dispenser. Don't you love it when this site becomes "interactive?" Me too. It's such a trip.

Anyway, I've had it. I'm no longer amused by any of Tyra's 50 unnecessary antics per show. Tonight's "zinger" was Tyra fake-passing out after sitting down to talk to the girls. She started fanning herself and complaining about "how tired" she's been. Oh my god, Tyra, don't you have a talk show? And you also have this show. You work incredibly hard. Take a load off!

And she did. First Tyra collapsed. DR's Director of Photography, Leno, and I cheered as soon as this happened. Too bad within a second of its occurrence, we knew she was being a total fame whore as usual and stringing innocent people along for no reason other than to wield power. That's it. This is Tyra Banks' only agenda, and it both breathes life into and sucks life out of every single scene on the show. I've lately taken to gaping at the screen, aghast. She's unbelievable.

Next, Tyra got up and screamed. AGGHHHH!!!!! It's funny! Because guess what? Tyra was acting. Not being a psychotic bitch and freaking everyone the F out for her own enjoyment. Acting. Because Tyra Banks can act. Of course.

Tyra went on to fake-comfort Furonda (again, acting), who had started sobbing after her hero fake-collapsed. Tyra appears to be under control in my photo, but in actuality she was having an orgasm right there on the floor. It's hard to tell becuase you can't see her face.

It's time once again for DR's Top Model Ten

10. This week's funniest Poorly Delivered Nicole Line: "Bally makes some great bags and shoes." Nicole has no idea what she's talking about and doesn't seem to care. I still think it's funny. There's Molly Sims, all "Am I supposed to know who this is?" And Debra Messing! What is she doing in this photo?

9. The awesomely jarring scene between Jade and Furonda in their bedroom. Left: Jade explains why she deserves to be America's Next Giant Hand Model. Right: Furonda certainly won't be reading Jade's life story if Jade ever gets around to writing it. (Do it, Jade! If you don't know what a "facade" is, you definitely deserve to publish a book more than I do.)

8. Brooke bit the dust on her commercial shoot and came backstage crying and insisting she didn't want to talk about it. Said Jade: "Brookie, man, she is so sentimental." This is proof that Jade has been going around using words she doesn't reeeeeally know the definitions of her whole life. Add this to reasons I hate Jade.

7. Shortly after Nicole's Cover Girl spot, this woman at right showed up on a promo to warn New York about EYE FUNGUS. It's just funny that whatever phrase is superimposed at the bottom of the screen gets automatically associated with the person above it.

 

6. As soon as America's Next Top Best Friend stepped into the hot tub, everyone else immediately got up and left. Where do they find people like Jade and last season's Lisa? I'm curious. I'd also like to see Jade hit the bottle pretty soon so she can have a very special episode and get eliminated.

 

5. When Tyra said the girls "octually" got to "wild it out" with Nick Cannon.

4. When the tool running the girls' improv workshop at The Groundlings directed them to switch directly from "Angry!" to "Janice Dickinson!" and Furonda promptly fell onto the floor.

A few seconds later, Leno helpfully pointed out how typical it was of Tyra to act like the pink tank tops the girls wore in this scene were "a gift," when really their only purpose was to inform the tool in charge of the workshop what each of their names were.

3.5 isn't a real number, but check out the fun graphic I made comparing Jade to the Grim Reaper. Jade had just convinced Nnenna to stick with her boyfriend so that Nnenna would continue to be an emotional wreck and give Jade more of an edge in the competition -- which, remember, "is not a competition for America's Next Top Best Friend." It's all too easy to forget this.

3. Danielle's improvised Cover Girl line: "Every woman is looking for a spot of perfection. So why not start with that perfection... on your face?" Her voice jumped an entire octave for the phrase "on your face." It was like she really didn't know why anyone wouldn't want to start with perfection there. She may has well have followed it up with "I mean, what the fuuuuck?"

2. The wink-wink editing job concerning Nnenna's love life:

...

 

1. My new favorite-to-win Joanie's performance during the Wild 'n' Out rap battle. Look at her with those glasses and finger-pointing. Joanie is a rock star. I also dug her followup line to Jade's insulting the other girls during Jade's wildly unsuccessful rap attempt: "Nobody else took it there. Nobody said 'Yo Jade, you look like an 85-year-old woman.'"

Is there any way we can vote off Jay Manuel?

I also made this. Right now it's called Insomnia but I might change it to Annie Barrett Disintegrates (or Diminishes!) Tyra Banks With Just Her Eyes And A Bitchy Face.

4:30 am - "I'm here to help you and make you beautiful."

--said guest photographer Thomas Klementsson. Thanks so much for doing what you do, Tommy. The world needs more of you.

I settled down with three buddies to watch Top Model last night, and the first thing we had to sit through was that incessant Veronica Mars commercial. "Veronica gets her first taste of college life. It's all fun and games... before somebody gets raped." WTF? Was that necessary? And was that promo successful, ratings-wise? Is rape a big crowd-pleaser these days? Bonus.

Onto what's really important: America's Next Top Model. I enjoy this weekly crap fest even more than I enjoy The O.C., which is saying both a lot and not much at the same time. I can be really cool and cryptic like that on my blog. I am a BLOGGER.

Note: Earlier in the season, Jade approached the huge letters "A N T M" attached to the wall, and informed the others that this contest was NOT "for America's Next Top Best Friend." So that's what I'll be calling Jade from now on. I'll probably also call Joannie "Working Girl," because she looks exactly like Melanie Griffith from that movie in all of her photos thus far. Don't even get me started on my theory that anything in the world can be explained and/or justified via the movie Working Girl. Just think about it.

 

Here we go... DR's Top Model Ten

10. The involvement of Cycle 5's Lisa. She did nothing, but the nothing was delicious. What was the point of her? She didn't get to defecate on anything, or even go out to dinner. Poor Liso. (<-- intentional placement of "o." Go with it.)

9. America's Next Top Best Friend and Janice Dickinson bonding together at the contestants' post-posing school dinner. "Janice is just awesome," gushed America's Next Top Best Friend, while spanking Janice. "Me and her kind of click, because we're on the same level." Jade is correct. The level is called "being psychotic."

8. Janice Dickinson repeatedly cracking up at herself when nothing was funny, most of all her. "Ha ha ha ha ha! Because getting a taxi is funny!" The only reason this was funny is because it was unintentional. Everything Janice did toinght that was intentional (such as ruin Gina's life) was pretty out of line.

7. All-time fave moment: when the girls get their Tyra Mail and it says "Ready for a change in scenery?" Like idiots, they assume yet again that it's time for the big trip overseas. Guess what, girls? You're not going to Europe. You're going to stand in a big warehouse with giant swatches of solid colors... and that guy. Lawrence Zarian, "professional model." The real reason I loved this moment was because as soon as LZ flashed on-screen, my friends James and Leno moaned "Oh noooooo" in unison. It's not that they knew him or anything -- it's just that this outburst was the most logical reaction to the general presence of such a creature. I almost died.

6. After Nnenna won the four-seasons challenge, Lawrence Zarian "awarded" her all the free outfits from the shoot... clothes from SEARS! What a crap reward. Congratulations! You win... bad taste!

5. Nicole's CoverGirl commercial, wherein she looks straight into the camera and reads from a cue card, "I've been really busy." This is classic for two reasons. 1) It's the biggest lie ever. 2) She sounds almost dead. There is so little effort here. In conclusion, I still kind of love her even though she is generally useless. It's the eyes.

4. America's Next Top Best Friend's "future goal"-inspired photo shoot. ANTBF decided on a whim (a whim based on what Tyra Banks said about loving kids three seconds earlier) that she wanted to be a kindergarten teacher when she grew up. This was also a lie. What ANTBF really wants is to go out every night dressed like "a model going to a club," said Tyra, who usually shows up to the panel channeling some sort of barnyard animal or abstract theme with her oft-atrocious garb. It's a little ironic, don't you think, that Tyra's giving pointers on how to be classy?

Jade's pic (right) is just so wrong on all levels. The 35-year-old "kindergartener" randomly sitting there with his eyes glued to her ass was a particularly nice touch. Is he wearing boxers? Plaid shorts? Whatever the outfit, he's about to get sexually tortured by his dominatrix/teacher's incredibly nasty hair extensions. I'm with Danielle: "If need be, I would home-school my child before they went to Jade's class." I just love that she called it "Jade's class," as if teaching a class is something Jade could feasibly do. It isn't.

3. Brooke wanting to be something she couldn't pronounce when she grows up. That should work out great.

2. Mollie Sue playing with a deck of cards in bed. It's like that key she wears as a necklace -- seeing these things doesn't make much sense, but you somehow find them oddly endearing. I want her to win. So quit giving her fake mullets to wear during shoots. This isn't The L Word. There are rules.

1. Tyra saying "My whole family calls me Light Bulb Head." No, Tyra. They don't do that. This outburst came right after the judges agreed that Furonda's head was shaped like a light bulb. I will forever be amazed at Tyra's ability to relate things back to her solely via the power of making shit up.

What did you think? Are we really supposed to waste precious brain power on Nnenna's boyfriend? Why does Jade want to molest children? And who's meeting me at Sears this weekend for a shopping spree?