|
|
|
This is Annie Barrett's O.C. commentary page. Annie used to write The O.C. TV Watch column at EW.com. Annie Barrett blog websiteWhat happened?
|
Annie Barrett wrote weekly TV Watch columns at EW.com for all of The O.C.'s season 2 and half of season 3 before the column was cancelled in favor of a TV Watch for Dancing With the Stars. If enough people manage to find this page, she will continue to update every week with commentary on The O.C. Isn't she so cool and indie now? No. You
know you want to
Season 3 recaps On DR... "The
College Try" "The
Dawn Patrol" "The
Day After Tomorrow" "The
Secrets and Lies" "The
Undertow" "The
Journey" "The
Road Warrior" "The
Heavy Lifting" On EW.com... "The
Pot Stirrer" "The
Sister Act" "The
Safe Harbor" "The
Chrismukkah Bar Mitz-vahkkah" "The
Disconnect" "The
Game Plan" "The
Anger Management" "The
Swells" "The
Perfect Storm" "The
Last Waltz" "The
End of Innocence" "The
Shape of Things to Come" "The
Aftermath" 51.
"The Dearly Beloved" 50.
"The O. Sea 48
& 49. "The Return of the Nana" / "The Showdown" 47.
"The O.C. Confidential" 46.
"The Rager" 45.
"The Risky Business" 44.
"The Brothers Grim" 43.
"The Blaze of Glory" 41.
"The Rainy Day Women" 40.
"The Test" 39.
"The Lonely Hearts Club" 38.
"The Second Chance" 37.
"The Accomplice" 36.
"The Ex-Factor" 35.
"The Power of Love" 34.
"The Family Ties" 33.
"The Chrismukkah That Almost Wasn't" 32.
"The SnO.C." 31.
"The New Era" 30.
"The New Kids on the Block" 29.
"The Way We Were" 28.
"The Distance" |
Annie Barrett is a writer living in New York City. Annie Barrett. Annie Barrett is probably insane. Annie Barrett doesn't care. TH |
My O.C. writeups will be posted on PopWatch every Friday afternoon: 4.12
"The Groundhog Day" --
Check out this EW.com interview I did with series creator Josh Schwartz. I especially like my really lame but fitting caption. It contains the term "forest for the trees-- an idiom I really only started "getting" last year, despite having owned and read a book called "The Forest for the Trees" in 2002. I'm smart. I'm still not sure if I'm expected/wanted to do O.C. recaps for the EW blog or not, so I guess check back here on Friday for the scoop? Question mark? I would like to take a nap?
Seriously. All those "goodbye, Marissa" scenes were cute and touching, but only because we all knew she was about to go splat any minute. I resent whoever told Mischa Barton to "accidentally" leak the spoiler on Access Hollywood in order to generate press for the finale. Because when I sprout tears during sappy scenes of The O.C., I want them to be real, unprompted, extra-salty, I-don't-know-this-character's-about-to-die tears. Right? Like when the Coop parted ways with Julie and then Summer. You just wanted to shake them: She's going to die! Let's make that hug a better one! Do-over! But then you realize the actors are well aware (to the point where they might as well just be saying "Later, bitch" to Mischa on set), and that they're trying to make it extra sappy on purpose. And then the whole thing feels dirty, and you stuff your face with even more leftover pizza to numb the pain. Just me? Wait,
what was I thinking? Dead people need obituatries. Good thing loyal
reader-cum-guest blogger RayT already provided one in the comments section
last week. Such foresight, Mr. T! That was just lovely. Props to RayT, and to me for finding the only ugly picture of Marissa on the Interwebs. Of course it's the outfit's fault, not hers. Which brings up a great concern of mine: I will really miss gazing at Mischa Barton. Don't get me wrong -- I thought Marissa was vile. But I still appreciated her face, frame, and hair. Who wouldn't? She's a dream. The O.C. made it so easy for people like me to get to stare at Mischa for an hour (the show was usually all about her -- agonizing, but easy on the eyes) while exerting the least possible amount of effort. Now what are we supposed to do? Google image search that bitch? Rent The Sixth Sense? See whatever awful movie she makes next in all her emancipated glory? Fat chance, Mischa. Yeah, that's right: Fat. Eat a pancake. Anyway, some more stuff happened, but does anyone remember it? I should consult my notes: --Why did Ryan have to get Seth's iPod out of the car he had parked on the street? This made no sense whatsoever, and "it lead to an obligatory Ryan-Volchok scene" is no excuse! We've all seen the Cohens' driveway: at least eight cars could fit on it, and until tonight (actually, after tonight as well!), it was only a two-car household. Horrible! [Update:some of you have set me straight: his car was on another street. Gracias.] --Taylor reminded everyone (in case it didn't sink in last episode) about her Korean barbeque threesome. Ugh. Hilarious then, contrived tonight. The banter was basically just a setup for Summer to make a joke about kimchee. Enough. --Even though it utlimately didn't matter which throwaway plot they used for "Mariss'as future," how and why would Marissa ever ditch college for something like MANUAL LABOR?! Aggghhh! Couldn't they come up with some sort of last-minute overseas modeling competition, and then she could maybe fall off the boat? Or a talent scout for MTV running into her at the mall and offering her her own reality show? They could have made fun of Laguna Beach and everything! Alas. --That shot of "Father" and "Son" from behind while Sandy and Seth sat very close together on that expansive couch was all sorts of cute. But I refuse to believe Sethie has never said "I love you" to his dad. I can hear it fluttering out of his mouth like a beautiful butterfly sometime in season 1. Not to mention, it's Sandy. What's not to love? Gimme a break. --I loved how, when Seth and Summer were playing that lame and senseless hand-clapping game and Taylor came over to say goodbye, Seth made the "one sec" gesture, as if they really needed to finish their important routine. Or was the finger-point part of the routine? I am 100% confident no one has a clue what I'm talking about. --Kaitlin, you are so not gonna rule Harbor. In fact, please don't. Oh, and nice "poster." You seem to like abdominal muscles. You are interesting and awesome! Okay, enough of you. Please stop talking. --The O.C. is being paid big bucks to let you know again and again that Ryan's new car is a TOYOTA!!! Related: Why does Dawn have to take a cab to the airport if she just gave Ryan a car? --The Core Four decided to ditch the school party after admitting they'd only talk to each other anyway. Finally! Thus increasing Marissa's chances killed! Perfect all around. --Model Home. YES. Best scene. In N Out burger, just like episode 2, and instead of Seth "skating" on the halfpipe, we got chicken fights and Ryan stuffing Seth underwater so that he was at eye level with roughly... Ryan's crotch. Excellent. Beeyotch. The ensuing Ryan/Marissa scene had me similarly captivated. I think it had a lot to do with the dim lighting and how they were still really wet from the pool, and I'm not saying that to be gross. It really heightened my awareness of all of their tension and issues. Go ahead, make fun. I'm not kidding. I do wish they'd kissed here. Like I said, with the key lighting and droplets... it just would have made sense. Do-over! --Where on earth did Seth get that enormous box?
Ha. Look at Ryan in that photo. He's so determined. He looks like a reluctant magician's assistant, like he's about to deadpan "I am now going to carry my dead girlfriend down the road" to a rapt audience, even though he's not really feelin' it himself. How could he? He's in shock, because his body is continuously being spliced up into three different shots of him carrying the same corpse... into the poolhouse, out of the Death Alley in Tijuana. Aggghhh! But eventually he was complete again, and got to watch her die while the season 2 finale singer sang the season 1 finale song. WOW. I get it. Wasn't really buyin' it, but hey, it was a nice effort. At least the song's title was fitting. People must be flipping out about whether the show will get better or worse now that Stretch is gone. I say relax! Think about something else for a few months, and then just watch the show again in the fall. It'll be easy. Why must everyone get so hyper?!?!?!?! That said, feel free to speculate about season 4 in my oft-meager comments section. Maybe we'll all engage in cute summer-long, Summer-esque banter. Anything can happen on DR ("Don't Read.") Or, post a season 3 Top Ten (or Five... things are pretty lazy here) list of your choice. Starter topics: --Abandoned
hair/clothing trends At this point I'm just doing this to hear myself type. Enough! Farewell.
9:01
This montage with Ryan slowly coming to terms with the fact that he just
beat the life out of "Kevin" is just a touch ridiculous. Sometimes
when I'm watching The O.C. I realize that I'm not even watching
a show. It's just a commercial for the song that's playing, which will
become popular by midnight thanks to the power of the Internet. Who am
I kidding right now? I'm obsessed with the Internet.
Hey kids: Don't smoke! So next week. What goes down? Is Theresa involved? If so, maybe she can send her nanny instead. And does someone really die? I was woozy when I saw that. He wasn't pictured as a possibility of death, but I hope it's Neil.
It's safe to say that Summer "brought the party" to the prom. "Brought the party" is only in quotes because it's something I can see myself making air quotes while saying -- you know, as a sort of consolation prize to the other person in the conversation for having said it at all. But why? There's no need. Just say "Summer was fun." Annie, remember to delte this paragraph later!
The Bait Shop after-party wasn't terribly better. Seth and Summer semi-made up, Anna left uneventfully (at least it kept in character with her arrival), Marissa switched to hard liquor, and Mother Theresa kised Ryan on the cheek. OMG! Blood-curdling scream! I really wish I hadn't seen the promo for this episode, which included Taylor's excellent scream. All the suspense was gone at that point. We'd seen Volchok eye the fat wad of money all the way back at the Cohens'. Can you believe he just went ahead and took it? Why yes. Yes I can. Oh,
and Taylor leaving five grand inside an easily snatchable purse is about
as likely as Ryan picking up the stolen cash from one of the drug tables
in Volchok's dungeon and calmly slipping it into his jacket. Come on,
challenge them! Make it like an Easter egg hunt or something. Winner gets
5,000 Cadbury products and the chance to mess up Mischa Barton's hair. 1000 DR points go to anyone who can identify the yellowish object with which Ryan pounded Volchok's skull into the floor in a way similar to how he *almost* smashed a phone into his brother Trey. My favorite moments: "Hey Kevin, I think there's like a snake in the shower" (Marissa) and "Hey... rigatoni. Nice." (Seth, to vomiting Summer) Yours? I bet a lot of people will say the thing about the towlettes. I would, but I hate those things. I even hate the word for them. Towlettes. I'm shuddering!
Actually, they're ivy. But sing the next few lines in your head... wait for it... California Dreamin'! I need to get a life.
Fun fact: 4/20 is also Hitler's birthday. The O.C.'s staff apparently loves Hitler so much that they decided to make Marissa's dream guy (Liesl's boyfriend from The Sound of Music) a freakin' Nazi. I had no idea where they were going with that one. It turns out the only point of that story was for Volchok to wise up and rent the movie himself, thus producing the key "Awww" moment that will guarantee him another episode. He definitely didn't watch it. He probably used it as a drug tray. As soon as I heard Marissa describe, in her painful Marissa way, the gazebo scene from The Sound of Music, I got somewhat hopeful that a similar scene would ensue between her and Ryan when they suddenly saw each other across the Berkeley quad. Not that I want them to be together -- just that it would be characteristically cheesy and therefore kind of cute. Instead, we had to listen to a pre-law jerkoff cram the idea that BERKELEY CONTAINS DIVERSITY down our throats. Shout-out to Miguel! Holla.
I'm sorry for what I'm about to say, but I have never, ever been able to stand this girl. Shiii-e. Ca-ayahh-n. No-aura-t. Speak. Every time she talks, she sounds like she's 25% invested in the conversation at hand and 75% focused on gnawing at the inside of her cheek. Every syllable is this grand production for her, and while I'm not about to slam someone for having a slight lisp, I really think the Samarie Armstrong (who was good, and less lispy, on Entourage) is speaking this way on purpose. Even if she isn't, the fact that we're already expected to think that whatever Anna says will be entirely witty and sly (just because she's Anna, and because Seth is Seth) only worsens the effect of the speech. There was so much word-performing going on that I couldn't concentrate on what was likely supposed to be signature Seth-Anna witty banter. When she said the word "honestly," it took just under four seconds. I counted on my watch. I felt like screaming. I started saying the word really fast. "Honestly! Honestly!" It wasn't that hard. Again, I apologize, because I get the impression everyone loves this girl. To me, she's way too contrived. Oh, but "Confidence, Cohen. Remember?" was cute. My heart briefly swelled, and then resumed its chilling descent into blackness and despair. Oh, and Mother Theresa came back, prompting a great big mystery:
They may as well have outfitted the baby in a hoodie and wristband. T-Boz swore that it was Eddie's. We want to believe her, but we also want to believe that she's an 18-year-old single mother who got promoted three times at an ambiguous "hotel job" and has a full-time nanny. But we can't. It's too hard. Just like Marissa's life. That Ryan/kid scene was pretty good. All the gazing into each other's eyes reminded me of Forrest Gump. What if the kid's name was Ryan? Agggghhh! Or Forrest. I wonder if both boys would have tilted their heads to the same side while watching a Russell Crowe movie on TV (for that three-generation effect). It's hard to tell where they're going with this. Why bother casting a Ryan clone if it's not really his? HMMMMM. I guess it would have been too cute to name this episode "The Orange County" (after the film Orange County, which was rumored to be the reason this show was called The O.C. instead), but that's exactly what the Seth-begging-to-get-into-Brown plot was. He and Colin Hanks (OMG that's Tom Hanks' son--maybe Ryan IS the father! What?) even look alike.
My only AL (audibly laughing) moment tonight came when Summer asked two stereotypical Ivy Leaguers, "You guys.... what is a jihad?" and they responded, "Exactly! Way to reframe the question, Summer." This was so on-target. I'd like to personally congratulate whoever came up with that line. Seth's proclamation of his "Hinjew" heritage was a close second. That walking tour and its sophomore guide were actually pretty realistic, which was refreshing. That tour guide was just like, okay, I can't be racist, so I'll just hear that your name is Kumar Zimmerman and go with it. Ha.
Next week looks waaaaay better. Now go buy a Verizon phone so you can get "never before seen" installments of Atomic County V-casted your way. I don't get it. They're making it sound like Seth's comic is something we should have been all over already. Does anyone care?
This will sound really harsh, but I just don't like Ryan's mom. I want to go bye-bye when she comes on-screen. As in, literally leave the room. Not wave at the screen in an attempt to implore the mom to go bye-bye out of the shot. That'd be weird.... and something I've definitely done before. It never works. I did enjoy Dawn's blatant obliviousness to Newport fashion and her insistence on calling Kirsten "Curr-sten," but that was it. I think the reason I get so bothered by Mom #2 is because it's simpler and nicer and more expensive-looking (which signifies quality!) to imagine just Kirsten being Ryan's mom. That way, everything always fits. Bring in Dawn and nothing fits anymore, least of all her rhinestone-encrusted blue cocktail dress from Marshall's. This episode was pretty mom-centric, actually. Julie had a big night, with her swift Cardiobar-induced smackdown of Volchok (I died when she called him Tommy Lee) and sudden free reign over the mansion. Maybe Dr. Roberts could tell it would be a female-y episode and deliberately sat this one out. Still, I didn't really miss him. Marissa and her mom got to have a pilot-episode My So-Called Life "I don't know what the problem is or how to fix it but come to Mama, sweetie" moment when they shared that teary hug. Maybe Neil was outside, down the street, apologizing to some dark-haired mystery woman. No one knows what I'm talking about.
That photo is really bugging me. A locker room in a restaurant? Is that customary? I really don't know the answer. It's probably "Yes." After Chloe introduced herself, I decided to count the number of back-and-forth exchanges she and Ryan made before they totally did it on a table. That number was 10, excluding grunts. With grunts it'd be like 13.5. Then the next thing out of Chloe's mouth was "Thanks for the company." Well, that was easy.
Obviously, Taylor went way overboard with the giant Kisses and big lip balloons. Seth's hardly a dude, but I don't think any male would react well to that sort of display. Even I would probably be creeped out. (That's a lie. I'd be really easily distracted and you'd find me sitting in the hall, unwrapping like a maniac to see if any of the Kisses were real chocolate.) But despite the extra cheese, the S/S moment was believable enough for me to cry at. And having them attend the same detention, alone together, directly after the coffee cart fiasco was a great idea. I'd forgotten about that part of the plan. Awww. Their sitting in the classroom represented how they can't ever get away from each other, no matter how hard either of them tries!
Did anyone else question Summer's questioning of her and Seth's relationship based on her having "gotten hotter" since they started dating? There's something wrong with this being the impetus for her knowing Seth was hiding something, yes... but also, the technical part: Is Summer really hotter now? When I think of season-3 Summer, I imagine a prarie frock draped over a bobby pin. Something's not matching up. I had an uncle who went to DeVry...
What the hell kind of school has college sweatshirt parties a day after people start getting their letters? I beg to differ. And couldn't someone have found a sweatshirt of the hoodie variety for Ryan? He looked maybe 12 in Sandy's old crewneck, plus he's always been associated with the hoodie lifestyle. Along with wristbands and white tanks, hoodies are integral to Ryan's identity. (I must think very highly of The O.C.'s character development, huh?) Then again, the fact that Ryan is carrying on Sandy's *family* tradition of going to Berkeley more than makes up for the wardrobe disappointment.
Maybe it was the hyper-sentimental nature of the show (college, growing up, leaving each other, etc.) but these two rocked their scenes tonight. It helps that Summer can actually act. Seth's tool-like behavior, though frustrating, actually helped make the girls' attempts to work through their own tension resonate more. When Summer ripped up her really cute pre-college collage (which looked just like the crap I used to make at that age, only prettier) and sank into bed, it was impossible not to cry as Marrissa and her skinny jeans lumbered over for the cuddle. No really, admit it. You were crying along with Summer. There's an extra helping of virtual Taylor-made kimchee for each person who owns up to it. I know my recent Marissa love is disarming and needs to end, but how about that one hilarious line they gave her: After Summer asked if she remembered a movie Ryan and Seth made them watch about "gay guys on a mountain," Marissa chirped back, "The Lord of the Rings." I won't hold my breath for Mischa's next triumph in comedic timing, but this one earns her a pat on the lower back tattoo.
Remainders:
Yay! The O.C. made me cry again. This has to be like the seventh or eighth time, and I think the majority of times have involved Kirsten. She's so... actressy. Way to go! (I'm being serious. Despite the caption.) This episode was heavy on the unlikely matchups. I don't think we've ever had a Kirsten/Seth bonding hour quite like tonight's. Their adventures were like the Version 2.0 of Arrested Development's Motherboy. It must be an Orange County thing. The most glaring difference is that on The O.C., the booze-loving mom wasn't drinking the whole time. But it's okay. They still kept things light with all the bongs and crack. The interplay between Julie and Summer -- two people usually in charge of the episode's humor and bitchiness -- actually made them seem like sensitive people. This matchup was weird, but welcome. And finally, Marissa and Summer had their first fight. It was just catty enough to make up for 70 episodes of them communicating on a mostly superfiical level. Summer told Marissa to get over herself (yay), and Marissa took a dig at Veronica Mars (hella yay) before taking the easy road and going with a quip about how Summer's boyfriend was "emo." Ha! Marissa, you're so right! I never noticed. Marissa? Funny? Get this: I also thought something else she did was funny. Stop the presses! (You can't.) When Marissa chugged her champagne after the most anticlimactic engagement announcement in history and then clinked Julie's glass while saying "Congrats," I about died. Yes, it was totally bratty, but it's also so true to Marissa's annoying character. They're just making her as obnoxious as possible, and I find myself appreciating this. Marissa still managed to ruin most of the plot, especially with Ryan and Sadie. They had a bunch of makeout dates that flopped, which became repetitive and somewhat unrealistic. Did Seth really need to tell Ryan about Marissa hooking up with the ugly yellow bear when Ryan was mid-tonguebath with Sadie? Why would he do that? Who cares about Marissa? Couldn't Seth have watched a movie, smoked a j, or maybe just... not gotten involved? Lame. Speaking of lame, I loved the hoodlums' round-table discussion about Volchok's new private school "chick," Marissa. Hoodlum 1: "She seems kind of lame." H2: "Lame, and hot." That's the most perfect description of Marissa to date. Oh, and did anyone notice how unnecessarily close Ryan got to one of the hoodlums when he demanded that he give Volchok a message for him? It was like Brokeback Diner in there. I'm pretty sure Hoodlum 7 could have heard Ryan just fine without the dramatic lean-in. Lame and Hot did save the day in the end, by approaching Sadie in the bus station and begging her to stay because she made Ryan happy. Awww. She then promptly returned to the beach, where Volchok asked her the question every girl longs to hear: "Want a bump?" Yes! She does. Do it, Marissa. Lose some weight!
I would write about Matt's annoying shattered-glass predicament, but I don't want to. Julie's back, which meant this episode was good. I enjoyed her victory twirls a la Love Actually near the staircase, right when her decidedly un-Hispanic new housekeeper was descending. "Vamanos,
por favor!" I had been doubting Julie ever since a few minutes earlier, when she claimed to Kirsten to have ditched her manipulative, double-crossing nature, but maybe Julie can get back into the swing of things with a new worthy adversary such as this poor immigrant maid. Oh, and Julie's completely oblivious "Sisters...." sigh was my favorite moment tonight. A close runner-up was when Summer watched Marissa and Volchok slowwwwly ride his uber-cool motorcycle around her circular driveway. It was like the O.C. version of a killer wheelie. I chuckled. Summer sighed. Discussion questions: What was wrong with what Marissa was (supposedly) wearing to the family dinner? Wasn't that just... a long-sleeved shirt, or did it not meet one of Summer's Olsen/hobo/homeless person dress codes I'm not just aware of? Who goes into a marriage engagement thinking it's "a trial"? I'm hating Dr. Neil right now. Want a bump?
As entertaining as this show can be, it also offers the occasional life lesson. This week's is for sketchy guys: If you keep stalking someone like a complete maniac, she will eventually sleep with you! Try it for yourself. Follow her around. If she seems skittish at first, start showing up at her trailer. If she tells you to stop, give up all the following (it's too exerting) and just start sitting outside her door during all of your free time. Smoke, if possible, and exhale it off to the side like you're mad at something. It's so sexy. Presto! She'll fling that trailer door wide open with a totally hot "screw me, I don't give a shit" smirk in no time. All the "raunchy sex" (quoth Taylor) at the end of the episode explained the parental-discretion warning at the beginning. I thought something was fishy besides Sadie hanging out with the cool kids (and bringing gefilte fish). Actually, I would have put the warning on just for the scene between Marissa and Matt. What was that. This went beyond making no sense. She would never go to his house, and he would never leave her alone (as in not molest her) and randomly let her borrow some PJs even if she did. Sandy giving the once-over to Marissa in that football jersey was one of the most awkward moments to date. Oh, Sandy. As promised, Skankalicious returned. She wasn't as skanky, which suprirsingly (to me) made her a lot less likeable. I didn't want to hear all her dramatic bullshit -- she was way more fun as shameless eye candy with no signs of excess baggage. (Yeah, Annie. Go feminism!) The baggage came out of nowhere, full force, but not enough for anyone watching to care. Someone like her needs to work her skankaliciousness to her advantage. She should include that word in her resume or something, possibly under Skills. between "light Photoshop" and "some HTML." A job application seems unlikely, though, given her luscious mansion. That thing was emitting misty seasoned beef-flavored memories of Marissa's former Taco Bell kingdom the whole time. It even had a poolhouse. Just like Ryan's! Come to think of it, what good has ever happened in a poolhouse? No, I'm interested. Comment if you can remember something. We'll compile a list. I'll start. --All
the coffee Seth brings Ryan Ouch. Poor list. Was Summer dressed as Wonder Woman in the poolhouse? That would help matters. Anyway, the Trey-Jess-Ryan thing was a little forced. I'm guessing it was just to cause problems with Ry's new hobby, Sadie (and to provide an excuse for Pugilist Ryan to take things out on the punching bag again). I still somewhat like Sadie. As do the Cohens, because she's "smart and grounded." So tell me again why she's demolishing a house by herself? At this point, the home improvement thing is such a gimmick. Ryan walks in, and Sadie's like, "grab a brush, we're in the home stretch." Because people talk like that. Seth actually called out the gimmicky nature of the S-R relationship himself when he told Ryan she was probably sitting there, "cradling a hunk of plaster, waiting for you to make a move." Ha. Two favorite moments. 1) Summer, to Taylor, regarding Seth: "I am like five levels hotter than him." 2) Seth's response to his parents canoodling in the kitchen: "Get a room... No, I mean get in a room. My room. Do it in front of me." I'm guessing that line was improvised, based on Ryan's decidedly un-Ryan giddiness that followed. He actually tossed his head back and let out noise! Play it back, if you can. It was beautiful. Oh, and breaking news: Ryan has his own childhood-inspired fetish object now. It's a little car, and maybe I'm obsessed with Lost, but I couldn't stop thinking of Kate's little toy plane. (Ryan's story was slightly more touching than Kate's, which I still don't really get.) So now all four of the mainies have childhood fetish objects. What should Taylor's be? Sparkly binder clip? Wheelbarrow trinket? Kids-size vibrator? Discuss.
We've reached a milestone! Ryan has turned eighteen, just as real-life Ryan has turned twenty-seven-and-a-half. "Eighteen" just has a better ring to it. I'm glad they went with that. Cue obligatory over-the-top O.C. event! Quick, book the Bait Shop! It's all going to be so typical. BUT WAIT...
Finally. I knew they had it in them. Next ep, they should do something equally as obvious, like not show Marissa anywhere other than her thinking shack. She could even live there. I'm sure there are plenty of shelves for her bananas and peanuts. Ha! Apparently Marissa had only eaten "like, four peanuts and a banana in the past four days." (Does this make her a monkey? An elephant? Survey says: just an idiot.) When Summer called Marissa out on her recent ingestions, I was like whoaaaa, Marissa totally binged! It's a good thing she held out for the rest of the episode (pancakes, my ass) and allowed herself the sole nourishment of Volchok's disgusting STD-riddled flask. Yummers! I take back anything bad I ever said about Sexy Sadie because she and Ryan really sold me tonight. Did Sadie get a spray tan or something? Push-up bra? Better hair? She looked amazing. And I think she's the first girl who's actually had believable chemistry with the now-legal adult. They're like the home-improvement version of Ryan and Lindsbree, who shared what we were supposed to believe was a spark last season as boring lab partners. I don't remember if Lindsbree ever gave Ryan a gift as cheesy as a hammer. She probably did. Test tube? Freudian slippers? A used reed from her oboe? No idea. It certainly wouldn't have had something as overtly sexual as "Think of me every time you pound something" engraved on it. Lindsbree would write something lame like "I licked this reed, and... I also really enjoy reading. Happy birthday." Despite some good strides forward for Ryan and SS, the entire should-he-or-shouldn't-he quandary about Ryan inviting Marissa to his party was not terribly believable. Why would it look like Ryan wanted to get back together if he invited her? She's one of his three friends. And why shouldn't Marissa be allowed to make her friend a CD for his birthday? A repeat gift, no less. I wasn't buying any of this, and I absolutely wasn't buying Marissa's tumble down the stairs due to emotional stress. (Those flashbacks were cool, though, especially the split-second one of Seth's makeshift halfpipe right when Marissa entered the house. Really got the ball rolling!) But seriously? Fainting? They should have just blamed that on the eating disorder. While on the topic of the loathsome, I hated that Kirsten and Sandy brought Ryan's mom into all of the birthday brouhaha. All we learned from this plot line is that Ryan's mom still sucks (and will continue sucking next week, according to IMDB). We also learned that the writers must either think we're really stupid or need more excuses to give Kirsten lines. Sandy: "She's in Albuquerque." Kirsten, in a booming voice: "New Mexico?" The same! She was so incredulous there. It was obnoxious. I'll tell you what never gets obnoxious: touching inter-Cohen moments that serve to reinforce the idea of Ryan being part of the family! These make me turn to goo, every single time. Tonight's involved Sadie meeting Sandy and Kirsten and saying (rather oddly, if you think about it) "So this is your family?" Ryan replied -- get this -- "Yeah, this is them." Ensue embarrassed/self-satisfied glances between Ryan and his fake parents! Tonight's family moment wasn't as tear-jerking as the one in the season 2 finale, when Ryan eye-darted his way into letting Kirsten know he loved her (sixth paragraph) but it was still cute and quite rewind-worthy. This week's O.C. viewing partner, Larry, rolled his eyes and audibly sighed when I grabbed his clicker for a second run-through. I believe he also asked, rhetorically, if I was kidding by wanting to view the family moment a third time. Pretty sure I wasn't. My favorite scene of the night should be obvious: Julie Cooper and Summer! Duh. I hadn't even thought of the potential interaction between these two that would come with Julie and Neil's relationship. Ah, the perks! Julie can get some free surg, and we can get Julie/Summer time. I'll take it. I loved the idea of setting the two gals up in the same otherwise empty house, unbeknownst to each other. The best line (besides "Awkward...") had to be when Summer told Julie, "I have nothing against you, in theory." The "in theory" part she literally growled. It was awesome. So was Seth's reaction to the brochure for Neil and Julie's romantic Cabo cruise: "Well, it's got a good buffet." Dr. Roberts sure knows how to pick 'em. No one can succeed like Dr. Roberts. (Sadie... Dr. Roberts... I'm lovin' all the unintentional Beatles references lately. Yes, I'm aware that in the song it's "Dr. Robert." It's still fun.)
--Loved
when the girls crossed legs at the same time.
I actually don't agree with either of those rules. Just thought I'd throw the one about Marissa and Ryan (who in my humble opinion constitute one of the worst couples in TV history) in there to keep the kids reading. In DR's School of Inconsequential Television Commentary, we call that a "hook." Sadie would call it a "conveniently placed crowbar." If
last night's show had ended right after the opening credits, I'd have
loved it way more. Everything until then had been brilliant, and everything
after "Californeeyahhhhhh" made little to no sense. I'm pretty
sure the "not making sense" theme culminated with Marissa's
dramatic domino-effect kicking of the crime scene barriers that are apparently
still up from dead Johnny's fall towards death. The theme also could have
peaked at any scene involving Slutty Sadie. Why take a shower right after
arriving at a motel? How did she flip through that entire phone book and
miraculously come across a tiny ad featuring the letter H? Why must she
exist in the first place?
The hot tub scene was perfect though, because at the same time no one was buying that Seth was "man enough" to get into it with two girls, no one was buying that Summer and Marissa would actually do that. Ha, ha! The O.C. is being self-aware. It's so cute. Not as cute: Slutty Sadie and Ryan ripping apart the pipes under dead Johnny's sink for the sole purpose of giving Slutty Saidie and Ryan a reason to get water all over their sexy teenaged bodies. Does everyone get it? All the kids are wet! At the same time! Cue the song.
Hmmm. Maybe Ryan's face could get tougher and more determined as it floated across the map all the way to towns called Brea and Indio. I know they are spelled that way because I google-mapped the cities. I did that because I'm a loser. And because I secretly do wish The O.C. had provided a map for me. I feel this way a lot: like I'm at a significant disadvantage as an O.C. viewer because I've never been to Southern California. These feelings of east coast inadequacy make me want to understand the area and its mysterious "inlands" and "valleys" and "South Coast Plazas" more than ever and watch The O.C. every day for the rest of my life. Josh Schwartz you have succeeded! All this talk about Cali just got me thinking... this is a stretch, but I'm betting that the lines when Marissa and Summer were insisting to Seth that "What happens in the hot tub... stays in the hot tub" were put in there specifically to make fun of when the Laguna Beach girls said the same thing about Cabo. (Yes! Loser!) There is such a thing as too much editorial freedom, and I think I've reached that point. Good thing I am my own editor for this story, huh? [Ed.'s note: Annie, please go ahead and continue to ramble incoherently with no agenda whatsoever. It's really fun and quirky and definitely what we're looking for here at Diminishing Returns. You are rocking this story.] My editor is so great. Anyway, a lot of other things happened in the show. Sandy had a big night, but I'm kind of disappointed at the predictable storyline of him turning into a filthy money-grubbing mastermind, so I won't dwell. Here's an example of why: One of Sandy's scenes involved new character Maya's unfortunate line, "Nobody respects company time like a company girl." GROSS! The idea, the line, the actress, the character, everything. Get that glob of corporate bullshit off my screen. Now hypothetically send her to New York so she can hypothetically torture me via hypothetical brainwaves. Yay! As usual, Julie provided a large chunk of the comic relief. I loved her feisty victory dance in Kirsten's kitchen right after she hung up with Neil, and her imitation of Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct was priceless. "Buona sera, doctor," the crossword, the leg-crossing, the lit cigarette indoors -- the only thing that made this scene more perfect was Taylor "T-bag" Townsend speaking Korean to the cashier at the restaurant! My friend Rebecca had a great point: "Taylor should go for that dude." I agreed with her but was quick to point out that this could potentially violate the show's strict no-Asian policy. (I would now like to quickly point out to myself the existence of Dr. Kim. Oops.) What else? Summer was funny, don't get me wrong -- but her sudden obsession with her dad and his love life was a little too convenient and weird. It did provide this great line, though: "He's either at work, which is so lame, or at the gym, which is so weird!" Summer, I feel the same way about this. Regarding ANYONE. Especially the part about the gym. Slutty Sadie and Ryan... blah. I get why he's not into sketchy Marissa so much right now, but why this girl? Sure, she's good at poker and delights at the prospect of people stripping, but she's no Mischa Barton. Speaking of whom, who the hell does that Volchok kid think he is, trying to mack on Marissa like it's his duty and she's his territory now that Ryan had left town? This was their conversation at the beach next to dead Johnny's fake crime scene: Volchok:
If you ever want to kick it, or hang out.... Marissa:
I'm not interested. Volchok:
You sure about that? I can keep a secret too. Then, GET THIS: Marissa and Ryan broke up. Over the phone. She was at her favorite thinking shack and he was in the poolhouse getting ready to strip again for SS. They both sighed a lot and then Volchok showed up at the beach, smoking. How does everyone know about Mischa's thinking shack? Is nothing sacred anymore? This dude is clearly a rapist. He should NOT know about the shack. He also showed up to freak her out at the Bait Shop, the cool place for teens to hang out by themselves and Do the Dew in neon plastic cups. Volchok is obviously a complete stalker. Ugh! I'd rather he just be a low-grade moron as was initially suggested. Rebecca helpfully pointed out during the teary breakup that the song in the background, "Forever Young" by Youth Group, played earlier in the season in "The End of Innocence" when Ryan and Marissa decided that the next song on the radio would be "their song" and then slow-danced to it outside the poolhouse. I obviously knew this already, partly becau |
...Aggghhhh! Fox just cancelled The O.C.!
"Maybe
there's a God above".... because Marissa Cooper died tonight. Who
saw it coming? Everyone who lives in the world. This, and not her death,
was sad. 
Marissa
Cooper, daughter of the elusive Jimmy Cooper and the ubiquitous Julie-Cooper-Nichol-Cooper-Roberts
died today when area thug Volcheck (whose birth certificate lists no
first name although he was nicknamed "Kevin") picked her up
before her graduation ceremony and, in a cocaine-fueled rage, drove
them both through the Cohen house and crashed the stolen car into the
Cohen’s pool. Amazingly, this incident occurred in the middle
of a Cohen party making this officially the 1,547th time a party at
their residence has been interrupted by foul play. Also injured in the
incident were visiting friends Anna Stern (who was saved when her heinous
hair-extensions cushioned the blow of the car's fender) and Taylor Townsend
(who was saved by throwing her Korean boyfriend in the way of the car).
Marissa, the former social chair at Harbor High School, was known locally
for shooting the brother of her on again/off again/on again/off again/on
again/off again boyfriend Ryan Atwood resulting in her brief expulsion
from the school. She has had a long history of becoming involved with
dim-witted men with six-pack abs such as water polo player Luke Ward
(now doing gay porn in L.A.), and DJ the Gardener (now still DJ the
Gardener). Marissa is survived by her younger sister Kaitlin who has
become famous in the medical world for her uncanny ability to go from
age 9 in 2003 to age 15 in 2006. Memorial services for Marissa will
be held at The Bait Shop, but in keeping with Marissa's life philosophies,
no one will actually be allowed to eat at the restaurant—you may
only engage in referential, pop-culturally infused banter peppered with
trendy modern slang. After that, Ryan Atwood will ceremoniously look
at all the attendees out of the corner of his eyes and then punch them
in the face. R.I.P. Mariss!
Then
there was a car accident. It was kind of major, and yet oddly uneventful,
because ever since the TOYOTA drove past the "You're Now Leaving
Orange County" (ha!) sign, we were all just like DIE ALREADY.
First we had to sit through a Grease-inspired game of
sideways bumper cars. (That's what Ryan's TOYOTA was missing:
hidden metal spikes to kill the car of the warring gang from a different
high school. Come to think of it, Volchok and Heather look and act a
lot like Kenickie and that nasty chick who thought she could dance with
Danny Zuko.) Then the TOYOTA tumbled down a hill and popped -- conveniently
-- right onto a deserted road, full of wide open space for Ryan to dramatically
carry the bag of bones down the street and wait for his graduation gift
to explode. 
Desperate
times call for emergency live-blogging. I'm sorry in advance. (Who knows,
maybe you'll like it.)
9:23
My mom, Dee, is always making this weird reference to skinny people's
arm muscles looking like "mice." I don't really get it, but
by this point I just play along. Well, right now, looking at Kirsten's
shoulder blade about to pop out of her skin, I'm imagining my mom's mice
analogy. But with Kirsten, it's more like a really narrow yet rock-solid
worm lodged on top of her shoulder, trying to wriggle its way out at all
costs. Look closely, and there are even two little shadows that look like
they could be antennae. Or the wriggler could be something mechanical,
like a ticking bomb or an in-body computer.... like something out of Alias
or the movie Species. What if this show suddenly got all sci-fi
on us and Kirsten stood up clutching her vodka bottle... and was a
robot? I'd flip out.
...Just Our Luck: It's Luke!
9:42
Aww, Ryan and his bad-boy sidekick and a car alarm. This seems familiar.
9:54
Seth. A fire? Are you kidding me? And check out the imagery right now:
It's like someone's holding a giant torch to a bunch of marijuana cigarettes!
And also like the entire concept of the Newport Group is going up in flames.
Wait,
Volchok's name is Kevin?
All
these strange match-ups made for a rather entertaining photo shoot, which
I thought was taking place in the Cohens' foyer (bad, non-sun lighting)
until I saw a tree behind someone and realized they were supposed to be
outside. Nearly everyone was compelled to do wacky things in honor of
the atypical prom night. Summer stuck her tongue out. Marissa posed alone!
Julie Cooper bowed.
And
the Cohens took a seriously cute family portrait.... of themselves. Who
can blame them? You know how these picture parties go. All those parents,
with all those expensive cameras and plenty of "I wish I knew what
to do with myself except just stand here and be uncomfortable" free
time. Finding a fifth-party photographer really would have been too much
work.
Without
Summer's drunken gyrating, public speaking, and fake-falling, the prom
might actaully have seemed boring. At one point the camera followed Ryan
around what seemed like the entire campus before he finally found Volchok
and Public Skank #2747272392 making out in what I think vaguely
resembled the gazebo from Marissa's favorite movie/fetish object, The
Sound of Music. Is anyone else with me? So when Marissa slapped him,
she was primarily upset that her boy toy had taken another 16-going-on-17
year-old to her fantasy kissing location. "Not the gazebo!"
she should have screamed as accompaniment.
Speaking of the latter prize, Volchok must have done everything in the
book (actually for him it was probably a book on tape) to piss Ryan off
enough to want to fight him. Here's my question: Why must they skirt around
the real issue here? VOLCHOK LOVES RYAN. Check it out (left)! He always
finds reasons to whisper things to him up close, or to touch his shoulder,
a sort of "just letting you know I'm here if you want me... I mean,
want to fight me" graze. "Kevin" [air quotes] seemed to
want to roll around with Ryan on the floor much more than he wanted the
cash -- otherwise, wouldn't he have hidden Taylor's little red pouch?
Hmmmm.
The
"painful Marssa way" of speaking was absolutely no match for
the indecipherable and possibly drugged-up slur of returning character
Anna, who decided to splurge for hair extensions from a dead and mangy
poodle for her big return to The O.C. (You can't really see her
long, blonde mullet in the photo to your left, which is why I used that
one. You're welcome.) Obviously, Anna's going to Brown. Where else would
she go? Any other college? No! Brown. 
Instead
of talking about how devastating the Seth-Summer situation is right now,
I'd like to take a moment to point out the perfect casting on the Brown
Dean of Admissions. This man is nerdy, unlikeable, unpleasing to the eye
-- everything you could want out of someone hired to dash Seth Cohen's
hopes. The dean was even grosser on-screen than in this photo (right),
which isn't doing the mind-boggling contours of his misshapen face (or
whiny voice) any justice. 
Chug,
chug, chug! Kiki had a big night, falling right off that wagon and into
a barrel of pinot grig. I loved how after the first line of her toast
(about how Sandy had reminded her again and again how important the new
hospital was to him), Julie said "Ouch!" out loud to Neil. Not
that we coudln't grasp the message on our own, but I think J's interjection
actually helped the flow and made the rest of K's speech more powerful.
Of course, all this strife kind of came out of nowhere, since I don't
think any viewers had realized they were suddenly supposed to start caring
about the Cohen parents again. Newslfash! Actually, you still don't really
have to.
...Does
everyone get it? Ryan's mom's name is Dawn. And Marissa has become a cop!
It all makes sense.
So
Sergeant Marissa finally realized who loves her more: her mom or the big
yellow bear with great abs -- both of whom couldn't care less about mistaking
the Asian maid for a Mexican. All it took was Marissa noticing some quasi-dude
with a pageboy haircut, nail polish, and hand accessories pouring date
rape drugs into not-an-extra-anymore Heather's drink. And then a few more
minutes passed.... and then finally Marissa decided to go for
the after-school special moment just in time for the gang bang taking
place in the van o' sketch. Still, I'm proud of her. So is Julie, even
though she'll never find out.
In
addition to dealing with Dawn, Ryan had his own little fantasy plot that
didn't even really require Dawn at all. Meet Chloe, a waitress in an Albuquerque
diner. She's the prototypical Mary Sue, except they updated her name and
outfitted her in awesome 2006-style jean skirts. 
But
the ep was really all about Taylor and Summer, the greatest pair of unsuccessful
schemers ever. Don't they look so young and guilty to your left? They
remind me of Kelly and Jessie Spano sitting in Kelly's bedroom while pranking
Zach and the other guys on Saved by the Bell. Lisa Turtle was
probably also around, but I wouldn't have missed her, just like I didn't
miss Marissa tonight. Things have a way of working themselves out.
If
they broke up for good, Seth could switch-hit and start another breakout
role: the leading gay (right). Adam Brody's guest appearance on The
Loop was oh so subtle, especially mere minutes before The O.C.
came on! Hmmm.... what should we watch after this great show The Loop?
HELP US!
You
see what happens when you live on a TV show and only get to apply to one
dream school? YOU LOSE. Tonight, everyone in The O.C.'s Core
Four got into college except Seth, who logically proceeded to lie about
it to everyone in his life and just hope for the best, and without a single
toke to take the edge off. Look at him, hyperventilating while posing
for a photo. He's such a multitasker. 
.I
feel
like Seth should be wearing a "Clown U" sweatshirt like DJ Tanner
had to in Full House, when she had that nightmare about Kimmy
Gibbler getting into Stanford instead of her. Seth's now stuck in a similar
(and entirely self-imposed, the idiot) waking nightmare, and there will
be no five-year-old Olsen twin standing by his bed to snap him out of
his and make sure he's on time for his SATs. I'm guessing no one has a
clue what I'm talking about.
Tonight's
college-acceptance episode moved me to tears basically any time any sort
of college paraphernalia was displayed, a parent beamed with pleasure
regarding a supposed acceptance, or someone said the word "college."
Seriously. I was a wreck. When Summer whipped out the perfectly folded
pink sweatshirt she had bought for Marissa months ago becuase she
believed in her, I completely lost it. I was pretty embarrassed about
this (but not embarrassed enough to deny myself the multiple-rewind) until
I spoke to my mom after the show and her first sentence was a booming
"Annie! That sweatshirt Summer gave Marissa!"
How did she know? Something in my genetic makeup was responsible
for making me freak out about this scene, so I'm just passing full blame
onto Dee Barrett. We've both been outed. But it's her fault.
Summer
and Marissa's scenes were the only ones that really pulled me in tonight.
Sadie and Ryan - eh. I don't care about them. Why doesn't Sadie just move
into that co-op in Berkeley anyway? That sounds like fun. As for Matt
and Sandy's business shenanigans, I don't understand them enough to care
and/or don't care enough about them to actually pay attention in the hopes
of understanding. But the formerly feuding best friends.... ahhhhh. 
Summer
was definitely the episode's MVP, considering all of her one liners ("'don't
be so skanky' and 'pass the milk'") and her convincing imitation
of a New England college student (right). I love this show's contradictory
stereotypes of the East and West Coasts, even if a sub-zero sleeping bag
and thermal face mask might be pushing it. And if Summer was the MVP,
Ryan scored the winning left-handed layup with the unlikely swooping bear
hug he gave Summer after finding out she got into Brown. Check it out.
Ryan has teeth here! His excitement knows no bounds.
--Cohen
in long underwear = disgusting
And
finally, even though I didn't buy into the sweatshirt party (or Volchok's
assessment of it as "the gayest thing" ever -- come on writers,
you can do better than that), I did appreciate the inclusion of my alma
mater (and origin of 
That's
always been my motto. 
I'd
like to take a moment to call attention to the psychedelic qualities of
The Newport Group's building. WTF? I don't know either. How do the employees
(whom we've never seen) decide who gets the curviest offices? There must
be a ranking system, based on kookiness. In any case, the building is
appropriate because it must remind Sandy of his true loves (ocean waves
and the reefer) every day. Lucky guy. 
Ooh,
cryptic episode title. What undertow? It's either the steady pull that
keeps yanking Ryan back to his past shiz with Trey, or the nicotine-saturated
current of lust that swept Marissa from her thinking shack to her sex
trailer. Check it out: The O.C. has found a strain of human skinnier
than Mischa Barton for Mischa Barton to violently hook up with (right)!
How'd that happen? And how does he have a tattoo on every other rip in
his body? Look at the one above his pelvis. I'm not exactly complaining,
but WTF? Finally, please note his alarming flexibility. No way
was the noodle-like Johnny Harper better at surfing than this powerful
man. I feel like he's getting ready to do a pommel horse routine on Marissa.
The backwards lean is like his salute to the judges. He's ready! 
"The
Foreigner" would be a much cooler ep title than "The Journey,"
in my opinion. I'm guessing Seth would agree. 
The
party ended up being amazing in terms of O.C. self-awareness,
right down to the postcard-sized fliers Seth created for the occasion.
I love, love love that they finally stopped pretending that the Fab Four
have other friends. (Speaking of which, quasi-friend Taylor would have
come in handy for the party...) The writers fully embraced the unlikelihood
of anyone outside the core two families showing up for Ryan Atwood's birthday,
and instead threw in a bunch of blatant extras and called themeselves
on it! Did you catch all the hilarious annoyed looks on the partygoers'
faces when Seth interrupted the flow to make a speech? "Attention
all extras: you're supposed to look pissed!" That was great.
Random
tidbits/food for thought:
The
rules clearly state that Ryan and Marissa should always be together and
that cars should not be smashed. Shame on Sadie! 
I can't do that until I discuss the highly entertaining threesome hot
tub scene. This was only hilarious because Seth is such a dork that he
couldn't handle the girls even joking about seducing him into
a three-way. He's non-threatening to the point of not even existing. Did
anyone catch Summer's dad throwing him a wink and something resembling
a thumbs-up after he saw Seth making out with his daughter? I love it!
He was like "It's okay, little boy, keep on playing with my daughter.
Remember to share your toys. Also no biting." When Seth mauled Summer
a few seconds after the wink and complained "I have sooo many hormones,"
it almost seemed sarcastic. Which I liked. I like sarcasm! I am not being
sarcastic!
Like
I said, things went downhill from there. Or eastward, I guess. They made
such a BFD about the symbolism involved in Ryan heading "inland"
towards his hooded-sweatshirt roots that I almost expected to see a map
of California in between scenes, with a giant Ryan bobblehead superimposed
on the map so we could note his progress. (The map I'm picturing looks
exactly like the one that showed Big Bird traveling cross-country in 1985's
Follow That Bird. I loved that movie. I suddenly feel kind of
old. At least by O.C.-viewer standards.)