About Annie

Annie Barrett wrote weekly TV Watch columns at EW.com for all of The O.C.'s season 2 and half of season 3 before the column was cancelled in favor of TV Watches for American Idol and Dancing With the Stars. If enough people manage to find this page, she will continue to update every week with commentary on The O.C.

Isn't she so cool and indie now?

No.

Annie's Top Model page

Season 3 recaps

On DR...

"The Undertow"
March 23, 2006

"The Journey"
March 16, 2006

"The Road Warrior"
March 9, 2006

"The Heavy Lifting"
Feburary 10, 2006

On EW.com...

"The Pot Stirrer"
January 26, 2006

"The Sister Act"
January 19, 2006

"The Safe Harbor"
January 12, 2006

"The Chrismukkah Bar Mitz-vahkkah"
December 15, 2005

"The Disconnect"
December 8, 2005

"The Game Plan"
December 1, 2005

"The Anger Management"
November 17, 2005

"The Swells"
November 10, 2005

"The Perfect Storm"
November 3, 2005

"The Last Waltz"
September 29, 2005

"The End of Innocence"
September 22, 2005

"The Shape of Things to Come"
September 15, 2005

"The Aftermath"
September 8, 2005

Season 2 recaps on EW.com

51. "The Dearly Beloved"
May 20, 2005

50. "The O. Sea
May 13, 2005

48 & 49. "The Return of the Nana" / "The Showdown"
May 6, 2005

47. "The O.C. Confidential"
April 22, 2005

46. "The Rager"
April 15, 2005

45. "The Risky Business"
April 8, 2005

44. "The Brothers Grim"
March 25, 2005

43. "The Blaze of Glory"
March 18, 2005

41. "The Rainy Day Women"
February 25, 2005

40. "The Test"
February 18, 2005

39. "The Lonely Hearts Club"
February 11, 2005

38. "The Second Chance"
February 4, 2005

37. "The Accomplice"
January 28, 2005

36. "The Ex-Factor"
January 21, 2005

35. "The Power of Love"
January 14, 2005

34. "The Family Ties"
January 7, 2005

33. "The Chrismukkah That Almost Wasn't"
December 17, 2004

32. "The SnO.C."
December 10, 2004

31. "The New Era"
December 3, 2004

30. "The New Kids on the Block"
November 19, 2004

29. "The Way We Were"
November 12, 2004

28. "The Distance"
November 5, 2005

  Annie Barrett is a writer living in New York City. Annie Barrett. Annie Barrett is probably insane. Annie Barrett doesn't care. TH

That's always been my motto.

Yay! The O.C. made me cry again. This has to be like the seventh or eighth time, and I think the majority of times have involved Kirsten. She's so... actressy. Way to go! (I'm being serious. Despite the caption.)

This episode was heavy on the unlikely matchups. I don't think we've ever had a Kirsten/Seth bonding hour quite like tonight's. Their adventures were like the Version 2.0 of Arrested Development's Motherboy. It must be an Orange County thing. The most glaring difference is that on The O.C., the booze-loving mom wasn't drinking the whole time. But it's okay. They still kept things light with all the bongs and crack.

The interplay between Julie and Summer -- two people usually in charge of the episode's humor and bitchiness -- actually made them seem like sensitive people. This matchup was weird, but welcome. And finally, Marissa and Summer had their first fight. It was just catty enough to make up for 70 episodes of them communicating on a mostly superfiical level. Summer told Marissa to get over herself (yay), and Marissa took a dig at Veronica Mars (hella yay) before taking the easy road and going with a quip about how Summer's boyfriend was "emo." Ha! Marissa, you're so right! I never noticed.

Marissa? Funny? Get this: I also thought something else she did was funny. Stop the presses! (You can't.) When Marissa chugged her champagne after the most anticlimactic engagement announcement in history and then clinked Julie's glass while saying "Congrats," I about died. Yes, it was totally bratty, but it's also so true to Marissa's annoying character. They're just making her as obnoxious as possible, and I find myself appreciating this.

Marissa still managed to ruin most of the plot, especially with Ryan and Sadie. They had a bunch of makeout dates that flopped, which became repetitive and somewhat unrealistic. Did Seth really need to tell Ryan about Marissa hooking up with the ugly yellow bear when Ryan was mid-tonguebath with Sadie? Why would he do that? Who cares about Marissa? Couldn't Seth have watched a movie, smoked a j, or maybe just... not gotten involved? Lame.

Speaking of lame, I loved the hoodlums' round-table discussion about Volchok's new private school "chick," Marissa. Hoodlum 1: "She seems kind of lame." H2: "Lame, and hot." That's the most perfect description of Marissa to date. Oh, and did anyone notice how unnecessarily close Ryan got to one of the hoodlums when he demanded that he give Volchok a message for him? It was like Brokeback Diner in there. I'm pretty sure Hoodlum 7 could have heard Ryan just fine without the dramatic lean-in.

Lame and Hot did save the day in the end, by approaching Sadie in the bus station and begging her to stay because she made Ryan happy. Awww. She then promptly returned to the beach, where Volchok asked her the question every girl longs to hear: "Want a bump?" Yes! She does. Do it, Marissa. Lose some weight!

I'd like to take a moment to call attention to the psychedelic qualities of The Newport Group's building. WTF? I don't know either. How do the employees (whom we've never seen) decide who gets the curviest offices? There must be a ranking system, based on kookiness. In any case, the building is appropriate because it must remind Sandy of his true loves (ocean waves and the reefer) every day. Lucky guy.

I would write about Matt's annoying shattered-glass predicament, but I don't want to.

Julie's back, which meant this episode was good. I enjoyed her victory twirls a la Love Actually near the staircase, right when her decidedly un-Hispanic new housekeeper was descending.

"Vamanos, por favor!"
"I'm from the Philippines."

I had been doubting Julie ever since a few minutes earlier, when she claimed to Kirsten to have ditched her manipulative, double-crossing nature, but maybe Julie can get back into the swing of things with a new worthy adversary such as this poor immigrant maid.

Oh, and Julie's completely oblivious "Sisters...." sigh was my favorite moment tonight. A close runner-up was when Summer watched Marissa and Volchok slowwwwly ride his uber-cool motorcycle around her circular driveway. It was like the O.C. version of a killer wheelie. I chuckled. Summer sighed.

Discussion questions:

What was wrong with what Marissa was (supposedly) wearing to the family dinner? Wasn't that just... a long-sleeved shirt, or did it not meet one of Summer's Olsen/hobo/homeless person dress codes I'm not just aware of?

Who goes into a marriage engagement thinking it's "a trial"? I'm hating Dr. Neil right now.

Want a bump?

Ooh, cryptic episode title. What undertow? It's either the steady pull that keeps yanking Ryan back to his past shiz with Trey, or the nicotine-saturated current of lust that swept Marissa from her thinking shack to her sex trailer. Check it out: The O.C. has found a strain of human skinnier than Mischa Barton for Mischa Barton to violently hook up with (right)! How'd that happen? And how does he have a tattoo on every other rip in his body? Look at the one above his pelvis. I'm not exactly complaining, but WTF? Finally, please note his alarming flexibility. No way was the noodle-like Johnny Harper better at surfing than this powerful man. I feel like he's getting ready to do a pommel horse routine on Marissa. The backwards lean is like his salute to the judges. He's ready!

As entertaining as this show can be, it also offers the occasional life lesson. This week's is for sketchy guys: If you keep stalking someone like a complete maniac, she will eventually sleep with you! Try it for yourself. Follow her around. If she seems skittish at first, start showing up at her trailer. If she tells you to stop, give up all the following (it's too exerting) and just start sitting outside her door during all of your free time. Smoke, if possible, and exhale it off to the side like you're mad at something. It's so sexy. Presto! She'll fling that trailer door wide open with a totally hot "screw me, I don't give a shit" smirk in no time.

All the "raunchy sex" (quoth Taylor) at the end of the episode explained the parental-discretion warning at the beginning. I thought something was fishy besides Sadie hanging out with the cool kids (and bringing gefilte fish). Actually, I would have put the warning on just for the scene between Marissa and Matt. What was that. This went beyond making no sense. She would never go to his house, and he would never leave her alone (as in not molest her) and randomly let her borrow some PJs even if she did. Sandy giving the once-over to Marissa in that football jersey was one of the most awkward moments to date. Oh, Sandy.

As promised, Skankalicious returned. She wasn't as skanky, which suprirsingly (to me) made her a lot less likeable. I didn't want to hear all her dramatic bullshit -- she was way more fun as shameless eye candy with no signs of excess baggage. (Yeah, Annie. Go feminism!) The baggage came out of nowhere, full force, but not enough for anyone watching to care. Someone like her needs to work her skankaliciousness to her advantage. She should include that word in her resume or something, possibly under Skills. between "light Photoshop" and "some HTML." A job application seems unlikely, though, given her luscious mansion. That thing was emitting misty seasoned beef-flavored memories of Marissa's former Taco Bell kingdom the whole time. It even had a poolhouse. Just like Ryan's! Come to think of it, what good has ever happened in a poolhouse? No, I'm interested. Comment if you can remember something. We'll compile a list. I'll start.

--All the coffee Seth brings Ryan
--Summer coming out of the bathroom expecting Seth, but seeing Sandy instead: "Ew! No, I mean, you're very attractive. For a dad." (season 1)
--Video games

Ouch. Poor list. Was Summer dressed as Wonder Woman in the poolhouse? That would help matters.

Anyway, the Trey-Jess-Ryan thing was a little forced. I'm guessing it was just to cause problems with Ry's new hobby, Sadie (and to provide an excuse for Pugilist Ryan to take things out on the punching bag again). I still somewhat like Sadie. As do the Cohens, because she's "smart and grounded." So tell me again why she's demolishing a house by herself? At this point, the home improvement thing is such a gimmick. Ryan walks in, and Sadie's like, "grab a brush, we're in the home stretch." Because people talk like that. Seth actually called out the gimmicky nature of the S-R relationship himself when he told Ryan she was probably sitting there, "cradling a hunk of plaster, waiting for you to make a move." Ha.

Two favorite moments. 1) Summer, to Taylor, regarding Seth: "I am like five levels hotter than him." 2) Seth's response to his parents canoodling in the kitchen: "Get a room... No, I mean get in a room. My room. Do it in front of me." I'm guessing that line was improvised, based on Ryan's decidedly un-Ryan giddiness that followed. He actually tossed his head back and let out noise! Play it back, if you can. It was beautiful.

Oh, and breaking news: Ryan has his own childhood-inspired fetish object now. It's a little car, and maybe I'm obsessed with Lost, but I couldn't stop thinking of Kate's little toy plane. (Ryan's story was slightly more touching than Kate's, which I still don't really get.) So now all four of the mainies have childhood fetish objects. What should Taylor's be? Sparkly binder clip? Wheelbarrow trinket? Kids-size vibrator? Discuss.

Hello lovers. Does everyone get sexy episode 69's cute title reference? "The Foreigner" would sound ten times cooler than "The Journey," in my opinion. I'm guessing Seth would agree.

We've reached a milestone! Ryan has turned eighteen, just as real-life Ryan has turned twenty-seven-and-a-half. "Eighteen" just has a better ring to it. I'm glad they went with that. Cue obligatory over-the-top O.C. event! Quick, book the Bait Shop! It's all going to be so typical. BUT WAIT...

The party ended up being amazing in terms of O.C. self-awareness, right down to the postcard-sized fliers Seth created for the occasion. I love, love love that they finally stopped pretending that the Fab Four have other friends. (Speaking of which, quasi-friend Taylor would have come in handy for the party...) The writers fully embraced the unlikelihood of anyone outside the core two families showing up for Ryan Atwood's birthday, and instead threw in a bunch of blatant extras and called themeselves on it! Did you catch all the hilarious annoyed looks on the partygoers' faces when Seth interrupted the flow to make a speech? "Attention all extras: you're supposed to look pissed!" That was great.

Finally. I knew they had it in them. Next ep, they should do something equally as obvious, like not show Marissa anywhere other than her thinking shack. She could even live there. I'm sure there are plenty of shelves for her bananas and peanuts. Ha! Apparently Marissa had only eaten "like, four peanuts and a banana in the past four days." (Does this make her a monkey? An elephant? Survey says: just an idiot.) When Summer called Marissa out on her recent ingestions, I was like whoaaaa, Marissa totally binged! It's a good thing she held out for the rest of the episode (pancakes, my ass) and allowed herself the sole nourishment of Volchok's disgusting STD-riddled flask. Yummers!

I take back anything bad I ever said about Sexy Sadie because she and Ryan really sold me tonight. Did Sadie get a spray tan or something? Push-up bra? Better hair? She looked amazing. And I think she's the first girl who's actually had believable chemistry with the now-legal adult. They're like the home-improvement version of Ryan and Lindsbree, who shared what we were supposed to believe was a spark last season as boring lab partners. I don't remember if Lindsbree ever gave Ryan a gift as cheesy as a hammer. She probably did. Test tube? Freudian slippers? A used reed from her oboe? No idea. It certainly wouldn't have had something as overtly sexual as "Think of me every time you pound something" engraved on it. Lindsbree would write something lame like "I licked this reed, and... I also really enjoy reading. Happy birthday."

Despite some good strides forward for Ryan and SS, the entire should-he-or-shouldn't-he quandary about Ryan inviting Marissa to his party was not terribly believable. Why would it look like Ryan wanted to get back together if he invited her? She's one of his three friends. And why shouldn't Marissa be allowed to make her friend a CD for his birthday? A repeat gift, no less. I wasn't buying any of this, and I absolutely wasn't buying Marissa's tumble down the stairs due to emotional stress. (Those flashbacks were cool, though, especially the split-second one of Seth's makeshift halfpipe right when Marissa entered the house. Really got the ball rolling!) But seriously? Fainting? They should have just blamed that on the eating disorder.

While on the topic of the loathsome, I hated that Kirsten and Sandy brought Ryan's mom into all of the birthday brouhaha. All we learned from this plot line is that Ryan's mom still sucks (and will continue sucking next week, according to IMDB). We also learned that the writers must either think we're really stupid or need more excuses to give Kirsten lines. Sandy: "She's in Albuquerque." Kirsten, in a booming voice: "New Mexico?" The same! She was so incredulous there. It was obnoxious.

I'll tell you what never gets obnoxious: touching inter-Cohen moments that serve to reinforce the idea of Ryan being part of the family! These make me turn to goo, every single time. Tonight's involved Sadie meeting Sandy and Kirsten and saying (rather oddly, if you think about it) "So this is your family?" Ryan replied -- get this -- "Yeah, this is them." Ensue embarrassed/self-satisfied glances between Ryan and his fake parents! Tonight's family moment wasn't as tear-jerking as the one in the season 2 finale, when Ryan eye-darted his way into letting Kirsten know he loved her (sixth paragraph) but it was still cute and quite rewind-worthy. This week's O.C. viewing partner, Larry, rolled his eyes and audibly sighed when I grabbed his clicker for a second run-through. I believe he also asked, rhetorically, if I was kidding by wanting to view the family moment a third time. Pretty sure I wasn't.

My favorite scene of the night should be obvious: Julie Cooper and Summer! Duh. I hadn't even thought of the potential interaction between these two that would come with Julie and Neil's relationship. Ah, the perks! Julie can get some free surg, and we can get Julie/Summer time. I'll take it. I loved the idea of setting the two gals up in the same otherwise empty house, unbeknownst to each other. The best line (besides "Awkward...") had to be when Summer told Julie, "I have nothing against you, in theory." The "in theory" part she literally growled. It was awesome. So was Seth's reaction to the brochure for Neil and Julie's romantic Cabo cruise: "Well, it's got a good buffet." Dr. Roberts sure knows how to pick 'em. No one can succeed like Dr. Roberts. (Sadie... Dr. Roberts... I'm lovin' all the unintentional Beatles references lately. Yes, I'm aware that in the song it's "Dr. Robert." It's still fun.)

Random tidbits/food for thought:

--Loved when the girls crossed legs at the same time.
--Julie's hair looked amazing post-sex.
--Doesn't Ryan ever close his blinds?
--That funny BISTRO sign in the Cohens' kitchen. Always there? Never noticed it. Ironic, don't you think?
--As if Marissa would mark her calendar!
--I wish we'd seen Scientist Ryan.
--Skankalicious next week? Noooo!

The rules clearly state that Ryan and Marissa should always be together and that cars should not be smashed. Shame on Sadie!

I actually don't agree with either of those rules. Just thought I'd throw the one about Marissa and Ryan (who in my humble opinion constitute one of the worst couples in TV history) in there to keep the kids reading. In DR's School of Inconsequential Television Commentary, we call that a "hook." Sadie would call it a "conveniently placed crowbar."

If last night's show had ended right after the opening credits, I'd have loved it way more. Everything until then had been brilliant, and everything after "Californeeyahhhhhh" made little to no sense. I'm pretty sure the "not making sense" theme culminated with Marissa's dramatic domino-effect kicking of the crime scene barriers that are apparently still up from dead Johnny's fall towards death. The theme also could have peaked at any scene involving Slutty Sadie. Why take a shower right after arriving at a motel? How did she flip through that entire phone book and miraculously come across a tiny ad featuring the letter H? Why must she exist in the first place?

All of these are valid questions… which nobody cares about because Sadie kind of sucks. Anyway, the opening scene. Summer's voiceover. AMAZING. My O.C. buddy Rebecca and I were absolutely perplexed. Why wasn't Summer's mouth moving? We were having bad flashbacks of Meredith Grey and Mary Alice Something, the dead one from that other show. Why would The O.C. submit to such a lame TV trend?

Whew! It hadn't…. exactly. Summer's voice track about the difficulty of making choices was just superficial enough to be the perfect parody, and yet still something she would say. "No one said choosing would be easy. But not choosing is even less easy…. Or something." I enjoyed this lapse in reason, and Summer's "that was stupid, Summer" look that followed. One thing I absolutely hated about Sex and the City was that Carrie Bradshaw's voiceovers were 100% of the time hyper-generic and completely vague. They never made any sense, and yet SJP tried so hard to look tremendously thoughtful during the voiceovers. She even had props like cigarettes, a laptop, and jerky head tilts to help her through her innermost thoughts. Summer's was cuter. I hope these continue.

Please tell me I didn't just write for half an hour about the first 30 seconds of the show. The Tim Gunn in my head is screaming at me to carry on.

I can't do that until I discuss the highly entertaining threesome hot tub scene. This was only hilarious because Seth is such a dork that he couldn't handle the girls even joking about seducing him into a three-way. He's non-threatening to the point of not even existing. Did anyone catch Summer's dad throwing him a wink and something resembling a thumbs-up after he saw Seth making out with his daughter? I love it! He was like "It's okay, little boy, keep on playing with my daughter. Remember to share your toys. Also no biting." When Seth mauled Summer a few seconds after the wink and complained "I have sooo many hormones," it almost seemed sarcastic. Which I liked. I like sarcasm! I am not being sarcastic!

The hot tub scene was perfect though, because at the same time no one was buying that Seth was "man enough" to get into it with two girls, no one was buying that Summer and Marissa would actually do that. Ha, ha! The O.C. is being self-aware. It's so cute.

Not as cute: Slutty Sadie and Ryan ripping apart the pipes under dead Johnny's sink for the sole purpose of giving Slutty Saidie and Ryan a reason to get water all over their sexy teenaged bodies. Does everyone get it? All the kids are wet! At the same time! Cue the song.

Like I said, things went downhill from there. Or eastward, I guess. They made such a BFD about the symbolism involved in Ryan heading "inland" towards his hooded-sweatshirt roots that I almost expected to see a map of California in between scenes, with a giant Ryan bobblehead superimposed on the map so we could note his progress. (The map I'm picturing looks exactly like the one that showed Big Bird traveling cross-country in 1985's Follow That Bird. I loved that movie. I suddenly feel kind of old. At least by O.C.-viewer standards.)

Hmmm. Maybe Ryan's face could get tougher and more determined as it floated across the map all the way to towns called Brea and Indio. I know they are spelled that way because I google-mapped the cities. I did that because I'm a loser. And because I secretly do wish The O.C. had provided a map for me. I feel this way a lot: like I'm at a significant disadvantage as an O.C. viewer because I've never been to Southern California. These feelings of east coast inadequacy make me want to understand the area and its mysterious "inlands" and "valleys" and "South Coast Plazas" more than ever and watch The O.C. every day for the rest of my life. Josh Schwartz you have succeeded!

All this talk about Cali just got me thinking... this is a stretch, but I'm betting that the lines when Marissa and Summer were insisting to Seth that "What happens in the hot tub... stays in the hot tub" were put in there specifically to make fun of when the Laguna Beach girls said the same thing about Cabo. (Yes! Loser!)

There is such a thing as too much editorial freedom, and I think I've reached that point. Good thing I am my own editor for this story, huh? [Ed.'s note: Annie, please go ahead and continue to ramble incoherently with no agenda whatsoever. It's really fun and quirky and definitely what we're looking for here at Diminishing Returns. You are rocking this story.]

My editor is so great. Anyway, a lot of other things happened in the show. Sandy had a big night, but I'm kind of disappointed at the predictable storyline of him turning into a filthy money-grubbing mastermind, so I won't dwell. Here's an example of why: One of Sandy's scenes involved new character Maya's unfortunate line, "Nobody respects company time like a company girl." GROSS! The idea, the line, the actress, the character, everything. Get that glob of corporate bullshit off my screen. Now hypothetically send her to New York so she can hypothetically torture me via hypothetical brainwaves. Yay!

As usual, Julie provided a large chunk of the comic relief. I loved her feisty victory dance in Kirsten's kitchen right after she hung up with Neil, and her imitation of Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct was priceless. "Buona sera, doctor," the crossword, the leg-crossing, the lit cigarette indoors -- the only thing that made this scene more perfect was Taylor "T-bag" Townsend speaking Korean to the cashier at the restaurant! My friend Rebecca had a great point: "Taylor should go for that dude." I agreed with her but was quick to point out that this could potentially violate the show's strict no-Asian policy. (I would now like to quickly point out to myself the existence of Dr. Kim. Oops.)

What else? Summer was funny, don't get me wrong -- but her sudden obsession with her dad and his love life was a little too convenient and weird. It did provide this great line, though: "He's either at work, which is so lame, or at the gym, which is so weird!" Summer, I feel the same way about this. Regarding ANYONE. Especially the part about the gym.

Slutty Sadie and Ryan... blah. I get why he's not into sketchy Marissa so much right now, but why this girl? Sure, she's good at poker and delights at the prospect of people stripping, but she's no Mischa Barton. Speaking of whom, who the hell does that Volchok kid think he is, trying to mack on Marissa like it's his duty and she's his territory now that Ryan had left town? This was their conversation at the beach next to dead Johnny's fake crime scene:

Volchok: If you ever want to kick it, or hang out....
Annie: Are those two different activities? Also, you totally said "kick it" because she just kicked those cones and you're trying to get through to her.

Marissa: I'm not interested.
Annie: Yes! Great answer.

Volchok: You sure about that? I can keep a secret too.
Annie: This is seriously your selling point? You can keep a secret? You are disgusting and still remind me of an ugly yellow bear.

Then, GET THIS: Marissa and Ryan broke up. Over the phone. She was at her favorite thinking shack and he was in the poolhouse getting ready to strip again for SS. They both sighed a lot and then Volchok showed up at the beach, smoking. How does everyone know about Mischa's thinking shack? Is nothing sacred anymore? This dude is clearly a rapist. He should NOT know about the shack. He also showed up to freak her out at the Bait Shop, the cool place for teens to hang out by themselves and Do the Dew in neon plastic cups. Volchok is obviously a complete stalker. Ugh! I'd rather he just be a low-grade moron as was initially suggested.

Rebecca helpfully pointed out during the teary breakup that the song in the background, "Forever Young" by Youth Group, played earlier in the season in "The End of Innocence" when Ryan and Marissa decided that the next song on the radio would be "their song" and then slow-danced to it outside the poolhouse. I obviously knew this already, partly because I know everything and partly because Rebecca had this song on her MySpace profile for about a month. She's cool. (OMG r u on MySpace 2? Add me!)

So... thoughts? Was anyone else's favorite moment when Summer yelled "DO IT!" to Marissa? Why can't dead Johnny's aftermath just go away? And please, just one person, tell me you've seen and loved Follow That Bird... I can't get it out of my head.

Ohhhhh, Johnny Harper. He so died tonight, man, and I so was worried they wouldn't follow through on it.

To everyone at The O.C.: Way to go! Thanks for listening. Collectively, your fans hated this moron more than you'll ever know.

People often think they "get" something, and I'm sure the writers generally gathered that all their fans thought Johnny sucked. But they probably have no idea the amount, and with what profound passion, we hated that little surfer shit. Just look at him up there in all his pre-pseudo-suicide glory, chugging away in my cool story-accompanying image. I whipped up that graphic all by myself. Can you tell?

The boy who somehow managed to turn teenage girls everywhere off to shaggy hair wouldn't leave for good without a nice old-fashioned shoreside funeral to remind us yet again of his unfortunate existence. "No shoes," was Chili's rule for the service, and "No black" was Marissa's. They didn't ask me to come, but I would have said "No thanks." Or I would have gone, but stood under the pier with Seth, gotten baked as all hell, and eventually decided to attempt ripping on some primo swells myself. (Ripping on, or just ripping? Don't care.) Out loud, I'd call said ripping a tribute to Johnny's memory, but in my head I'd be thinking "Dude. Hey Johnny! Check out what I can do because I'm alive!"

Along the lines of reefer... last night's best line: Summer telling Seth she couldn't really get mad at him about smoking pot, because "while Marissa and I were hotboxing Luke's car, you were at home making a manger over Captain Oats out of Lincoln Logs." Ohhhh so good. Luke. Manger! Lincoln Logs. Delicious.

I'm really liking this new girl, Sadie. She seemed a little like goody-two-shoes Lindsbree to me at first with the lame birthstone/angel necklace she made for Marissa, but once I realized I could attribute 90% of that necklace's lameness to Johnny instead of Sadie (she maintains 10% lameness based on having both supplies and skills available for Johnny's ill-conceived whimsy), I felt much better about her. She seems to have a history with that nasty kid Volchok, Johnny's surfer-dude nemesis. A lot of people on the EW.com message board used to say Volchok was hot, but I respectfully disagree and submit that he instead looks like an ugly yellow bear.

Sadie's great, though. She's all rustic and wavy-haired and skinny -- it's almost like she's another... Marissa! But with a sense of humor and fondness for tea and strip poker. And Ryan already seems to act really open around her. When I say that, I mean that when she asked him "What are you thinking?" he actually gave an answer right away. It doesn't even matter what the answer was (something about Johnny; I couldn't be bothered.) I consider 0-1 seconds of mind-racing brooding to be "extremely open" on the Ryan Atwood scale of emotional availability.

Speaking of Marissa, I actually liked her for a second last night. After Johnny's service, she and Ryan flopped down onto his couch/bed. He said "What do you wanna do?" and she repled with a gruff "I'm doin' it." Very funny, and a little out of character. Okay. Second's over.

I'm still not a fan of Matt "I practically majored in paperwork" Ramsey. What a tagline, and what a guy! He obviously wants to bone Marissa.

So, Kaitlin's really gone? That was quick. I'd mourn about it, but I'm still too focused on the devastating loss of Johnny. That awful, awful kid who came to bring Kaitlin back to school was just all kinds of raunch. Please never let him come back. At one point I blurted out something like "He looks like he's freaking 14!" and then realized that's how old Kaitlin's supposed to be. Except this kid could drive -- something we had to painfully sit through. It literally hurt my eyes to look at him in his car. I don't know if it was the harsh lighting on his eerily chiseled, prepubescent face or just the general prick-in-training quality of his character, but that kid could not gett off my screen fast enough.

There were two really precious Valentine's Day moments this week. One was with Julie and Neil, when he stammered around trying to find the words during their conversation at the New Match ball. (How does New Match make any money, or does it even matter if they do or not? I can't see Kiki or Juju genuinely caring about helping other people find love either way.)

Neil said he'd wanted to ask Julie something for awhile, and I was sitting there racking my brain for what it could be except maybe "More shrimp puffs?" or something Newpsie like that. For two people who barely know each other, the writers sure do have us believing that at this point they have a long and storied background. Anyway, you'll never believe his question: "Will you... be my valentine?" Oh no! That was soooooo cliche! So why did I ADORE it?

The other precious moment belonged to Seth. Since I was focused on picking apart layers of a gigantic club sandwich at the time, I couldn't really focus on what Seth was doing when he and Sandy had their completely cute father-son heart-to-heart. I could see him drawing something orange (in hindsight, it was probably red) and something in the back of my head kept whining "But Seth doesn't use colors!" The significance of said orange surfaced later when, after he gave Sum some hot undies originally intended for his mother, the card left behind was homemade, and yes -- colorful. It was a Pinocchio Seth!

Everyone got that? It's because he's such a horrible liar! Brilliant, brilliant stuff. The cheese factor was once again through the roof. Homemade card... Reference to Disney... Seth Cohen... as with Neil's little V-Day outburst, all signs pointed to cliche, and yet as I looked across to my sister who was visiting from Chicago, I realized I couldn't even see her because there were tears. In my eyes. (She was also lovin' it in her own way, which mainly involved laughing at me because I was crying.)

I have this theory, though, that people genuinely enjoy crying at the TV. It's for this sole reason that I ever watch Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. I'll notice it's on some night, think either "I could use a cry" or "Nah, don't really feel like crying tonight" and decide based on that instinct whether or not to record it. I don't care about any of the construction projects and I care even less about the relentless Ty Pennington and his construction crew. Some people probably convince themselves they watch this show because they care about the families involved, but that's not it either. I propose that people watch Home Edition because they themselves enjoy the process of crying. It's therapeutic, ridiculous, and so obviously pathetic that engaging in it alone is actually kind of fun. Because it's never about the people on the TV. It's always about you.

Fine, sometimes it's about Mischa Barton.