One of the more depressing things to do while riding the subway is to stare at ads for the same product, plastered again and again throughout the car. There are the ever-popular Absolut or Dewar’s ads, the ubiquitous “LEARN ENGLISH!” ad featuring that command in 70 different languages (doesn’t that defeat the purpose?) and the more boring ads about health care or life insurance. But the least (and therefore most) intriguing subway ad campaign has to be the Bud Light spread, currently on its sixth month infesting the underbelly of Manhattan.

Ask anyone if they’ve noticed the ads and you’ll get an “are you kidding?” eye roll. The dreamy blue backgrounds, airbrushed facial features, and colorful (lack of) clothing clearly affect Bud Light’s audience far beyond the realm of the 6 train.

It recently occurred to me while staring alternatively at the ads and at people staring at the ads that although these ads obviously inspire deep contemplation, no one has bothered to rank them officially. Enter Diminishing Returns, your number-one source for quality anti-information.


The Staples

These panels are in every Bud Light-sponsored car, regardless of time, location, and how sick of them you are.

The All-Americans. Easily the most recognizable duo. She looks like a more glamorous version of a Panama Beach spring break package deal brochure; he could guest star on any WB network drama. Unfortunately, in fitting the American ideal to a T, they also look alarmingly similar. Thicken her eyebrows and cut of the ‘tails, and she’s him.

This panel is positively riddled with errors. Her faux-flower power necklace and bikini are SO early nineties it’s unbearable, and it’s heavily probable that his "classic" red shirt is actually a pocket-tee.

More importantly, her breasts, when carefully examined, are not realistic by human or gravitational standards. They look great upon a cursory glance, but move closer and you’ll notice they are too heavily condensed into the center. This allows for some impressive cleavage but necessitates a flat, almost one-dimensional aspect to the rest of the breast. Note that her right boob is only bulbous when outside the confines of the bathing suit; scan further towards her side and there’s nothing there. Airbrushing is fun, but at least be consistent.

Meanwhile, the guy is pushing the world record for greasy hair. He looks like he might have just jumped out of the shower or even the Bud Light Hot Young People Lake®, but that makes no sense because then his shirt would be off. No, the appearance of his hair is somehow intentional. For scientific purposes, it might help to compare his hair with the neck of his Bud Light bottle. Is this a close-up of frothy brown glass, or a cross-section of the guy’s hair follicles? It’s hard to tell, but at least the hair is right next to the bottle, facilitating and almost suggesting the comparison.

Rating: C

Almost Naked. This panel earns its high rating mostly due to its aesthetically pleasing use of oil. The models seem to use the same amount I usually do when prepping my toned legs and chiseled abs for photo shoots. But, as I’ve learned, oil can be very forgiving. In fact, a few of those “packs” on that guy’s stomach might not be any more than globbed-on oil, molded just so to look that spectacular. It’s just a theory, of course.

There is no need for the upper halves of their heads, because the way people’s bodies look is more important than their faces or “what’s inside.” This is especially true for models. I should be offended, but that doesn’t last very long when the bodies in question are this hard and hot! At this point, whatever their faces actually look like is going to be a disappointment anyway.

It is fitting that the guy is leaning gently, casually, in the direction of the girl’s crotch. He's keepin' his cool, keepin' it real. We are to assume that her underwear is either nonexistent or visible only to him. His face is politely turned away, but more likely this is because he is motioning for his friends to come and look. She nods to the camera, knowingly.

Rating: A-

The Occasionals

These two panels appear less often, perhaps because of their multi-racial nature, but probably becuase the outfits are a lot more horrible.


Party people. This one is not so great. The guy’s outfit is rather unrealistic, as no dude who would wear a hat like that would ever consider donning a brightly-colored pinstripe shirt. As for the girl, we get it, your fun, totally daring highlights match the intricate, whimsical tones of the Bud Light bottle. But how does Bud Light taste?

This panel does retain some credibility for prominent placement of Bud Light bottles. The bottle in the forefront rivals the size of the entire guy. The girl displays it provocatively as if to say, “Come join our party. Bud Light’s the key!"

Rating: B-

Sullen and Sober. Aside from the slightly glazed-over look of these two, there is absolutely no indication of the advertised product in this panel.

The guy is of a decidedly ambiguous race, but that could be the Bud Light talking. I have a guess, but the facial hair is totally throwing me off. The demographics committee at Budweiser must not have believed their good fortune when a face this ethnically variegated showed up for auditions!

Both models' barely-parted lips seem on the verge of crying out, "Help! I'm lost in a strange, bubbly solar system" or at the very least, “We could really use a Bud Light.” As a subway rider who could have Bud Light in your backpack, you almost feel sorry for them.

But then you examine their outfits. There’s another screechingly bright pinstripe shirt. Why? And what is she wearing? The light purple sunburst pattern on her inexplicably cropped blazer resembles a final project in a children's graphic design class. And though the purpose of this panel – her cleavage – is presented effectively, her upper half seems to end right under the chest. She has no midsection, just big boobs, a belt, and disproportionately large earrings and hair. Maybe that’s all women really need! Awesome, so I just need a belt.

Rating: D

The Squares

Placed strategically next to each set of doors, the three square-pairs serve to really stick it to the subway rider that he or she is in fact riding in a Bud Light car.

The first two earn near-failing grades for thier shameless interchangeability. They feature the same exact token zoned-out black guy in the same exact position. He does appear to be leaning at a slightly different angle in one of them, but again, that could just be the Bud Light talking.

Note that rocker-chic guy is not holding a beer bottle. An inanimate but somehow necessary fixture in the scene, he compels girls to get drunk by simply squatting in the back corner and staring in a different direction. Drinking Bud Light is the only way these vapid girls could have a shot with the ultra-independent dude who doesn’t need beer to have fun, or at least to stare into space.

Rating: D-

In the third square-pair, though, both models get to enjoy a beverage. Here, the guy’s beer is a huge, gleaming tool capable of anything. Much like Raphael’s renowned painting The School of Athens, in which the painting structurally and symbolically centers on Plato and Aristotle, in this ad the beer bottle is the focal point for spiritual and physical enlightenment.The guy’s expression is devious, as if he’s done something naughty – and judging by the girl’s frightfully tousled hairstyle and questionable presence of pants, he probably has. The Bud Light is like a celebratory post-coitus cigarette for these two. The message from Bud Light is clear: Smoking is bad for you, but beer can always potentially lead to sex.

Rating: B+

While gazing extensively at the ads, which you're pretty much forced to do unless you brought an oversized scroll to read on the train, you find yourself pondering two things. 1) Are those people real, or computer-generated? You stand up, peer closer. And then think 2) This is pathetic. Why aren't I drinking right now?

On that note, why are you still reading this? Go make it a Bud Light.