After three consistently stellar showings, I think it’s safe to say that Diminishing Returns is not your standard-issue twenty-something, soul-searching-disguised-as-something-else Web site.

Okay, fine. It totally is. But I’ll tell you what it isn’t: a blog. Loyal DR readers will tell you two things. One, I’m not as bitchy as I seem in print. Two, this site is nothing if not a peaceful, stress-free haven from the frenetic and ever-growing blog culture. It features no unedited journal entries, no shout-outs to my “peeps,” and very few self-adulating/self-deprecating remarks thrown in for no reason. Yeah, right.

I wish I had peeps.

So, I hereby declare Diminishing Returns the ultimate “anti-blog” of the World Wide Web (WWW). People don't need a whiny, first-person account of every lonely soul on the planet who takes himself a little too seriously. They need powerful paragraphs from people who don't take themselves seriously enough.

[Sidebar: Can I just say, this column is taking forever to get going? I wrote the above drivel yesterday, and today I’m just like, huh? Where is this, like, going?]

Anyway, the main reason I hate blogs so much is that there’s no middleman to actually approve of, then edit the crap that ends up getting published. Bloggers are lowly writer-wannabes who think all they need to do is secure some creatively titled cyberspace and BAM, they’ll conquer the world, one bored reader with a paying job at a time! How pathetic. I'm so glad I'm so far above them.

---

I took the night to think about it, and today (Wednesday, March 3), I’ve concluded that if I wanted to, I could have a kick-ass blog. For real. But I took the high road. I have my own online column. It comes out whenever I feel like it, after a particularly severe dessert binge, or on the heels of an intense self-loathing session. That is different. Better-different.

Bloggers rant and rave about insignificant things in their lives that don’t relate to anyone else. Whereas my Web contributions apply to humanity at large. Everyone wins with Diminishing Returns. Ask anyone who knows me really well and is forced to read it.

Thursday, March 4

Didn’t really get much done on the why-I-hate-blogs column today, but did change my Internet Explorer color theme from “lime” to “key lime.” I’m really liking it!

Friday, March 5

I seriously hate bloggers. Some of them can't even keep the same tense while telling stories. How remedial can you get? This is the Internet, not your little scrap of paper on the bus or something. Be serious.

Actually, speaking of public transportation, I had a few good ideas for this anti-blog column on the subway today. I'm sitting there, and this guy came up to me and asks for some paper. I'm like, couldn't you see I'm using my iPod? He was like, no. Then and now, I am and was like, really annoyed.

What? Sorry to get so off the topic! Let's get back to the column.

Maybe the column will start coming together if I list a few more things I dislike about blogs. First, what is with the constant links? Bloggers can't come up with something original, so they insert other people's Web accomplishments as filler. Lame. And when they do have something to say (or complain about), the text is grammatically incorrect and takes unauthorized advantage of the caps lock. We get it. You're pissed. Take it easy.

Ooh, delivery guy's here - BRB.

Hey. I'm back. Secondly, I hate how people use their blogs as a substitute for Instant Messenger. It's like the blog is a form of punishment for buddies who don't sign on enough, so that they still get to read all of the blogger's horrible hourly details. Um, hello ... WE DONt CARE IF YOUR LEAVING FOR A MINUTE!!!!/!

I know all ten of DR's readers are wondering when the new column's going to be posted. I'm trying really hard right now to write it. Thing is, I have a raging case of gas and it's just really distracting.

Click here to be kept posted of my gas situation.

Tuesday, March 9

I feel like if I just keep typing, the column will sort of write itself. I have to be patient. Maybe I'll surf the Net awhile.

Okay, so much for Google Image Searching my own name. Check it out.

---Wednesday, March 10---.............................................17:24.06

While attempting to write the anti-blog column, I happened to receive an unsolicited Urban Outfitters e-mail.

...

This store has officially gone too far with the vintage t-shirt thing. The shirt on the left makes me want to cry. Even if I did want a gray Beatles shirt with (ugh!) black tubing, its 2004 production date is simply unacceptable. Not to mention, it's from Urban Outfitters.

I don't really know what to say about the second one. See, that's the difference between me and bloggers. Bloggers would go on and on spouting off some revelation about what this t-shirt means for American culture. I just admit that I won't be trying any such thing. I embrace the fact that I have nothing original to offer my readers, whereas bloggers just keep on writing.

I have to say though, why three times? Would twice be considered child's play? Would four finally be considered slutty? It's as if the power of the shirt's message isn't so much the accomplishment as it is the accomplishment's repitition. Hmmm.

Plus, the pink shirt might become obsolete in a few years. In that case, the girl could still wear the shirt to captivate other guys (or girls) in jealous bewilderment of her pencil-like mystique. Or, to really piss off her boyfriend. "Who the fuck is Justin?" he'd demand. He could then purchase an iron-on stamp of his own name to fix the glitch. And another iron-on to place at navel-level: "IN ONE HOUR."

 ---Thursday, March 11---................................................03:26.56

I COMPLETELY LOVE PIZZA!!!!!!

::posted by annie barrett:: link comment (0)

 ---Friday, March 12---.............................................. .....01:33.46

I don't think revenge is ever sweet enough. Think about it. I mean, even if the other person followed your ultimate revenge plan and either died naturally, was murdered, or otherwise vanished, you'd just end up feeling guilty. Right? Hello? Anyone out there? Are you telling me there's no legitimate presence on the other end? Hello? Pizza? Blog?

::posted by annie barrett:: link comment (0)

 ---Saturday, March 12---................................................22:26.26

I want to write this column and get it over with. My notes for it are becoming so self-centered!

But what do I REALLY want? Why don't I ask myself rhetorically, then answer? What do I want? I want to live comfortably. I want to live in a house in a wooded or otherwise nature-infused area. I don’t really want to clean the house. I guess if I had to I would. I figure maybe by the time I get my own house, there’ll be some sort of futuristic techie way to clean it without having to do it myself and without subjecting some human to it either. I kind of want that robot from The Jetsons. If I had enough money, I’d buy a robot to do my housework. I wouldn’t feel bad ordering it around. But I could never do that to a person.

Actually, I’d probably feel sorry for the robot. I’d end up tucking it into my own bed with an attractive pillow arrangement and scrubbing the floors myself. I don’t think humans were ever meant to scrub floors, or do anything like that in a physical space. But what does that even mean, "meant to"? Who's intending all of this anyway? Why does stuff get dirty? It’s like nature’s big joke on everyone. You’re allowed to do nothing all day if you want. But the dust piles up, and the spaghetti sauce overflow sticks to the oven and the grilled cheese crusts get attacked by mice. Because people have to eat. Another one of nature’s tricks.

::posted by annie barrett:: link comment (0)

 ---Sunday, March 13---............................................. .....05:31.01

I'm definitely coming close to starting the anti-blog column, so please post a comment telling me what your least favorite blog feature is.

a. Cyber-acronyms (CAs)
b. First-person run-on narrative
c. Lack of discretion re: content
d. Unoriginality
e. Unoriginality revealed in lettered list form

BTW, I think mirrors are the scariest thing in the world. Do you ever try to see within your eyes, getting closer and closer until you end up freaking yourself out?

::comments::

--Yes! I know what you mean! Sometimes I flick the light on and off and watch my own pupils dilate. I could do that for hours. Might right now.

--What does that really mean, "within" your eyes? Aren't eyes, like, entities unto themselves? Holy shit, what if they aren't? What if inside eyes are entire alternate univeres that are so much more interesting than this one? Oh wow. I'm hungry.

--WTF? When are you updating your site?

::posted by annie barrett:: link comment (3)

---Monday, March 15---................................................03:26.56

I just want to get one thing straight. The MOST annoying thing about bloggers is that they're always commenting on someone else's ideas. They think commenting on media/political/cultural trends instead of doing something different is enough. Well, it's not!

Oh, also--bloggers always have really abrupt endings to their posts. It's kind of inconsiderate to readers who've actually held out to the dismal end hoping that their attention is worth at least some shred of actual wisdom from the blogger. But instead, they just cut off

::posted by annie barrett:: link comment (0)